Festive Admin Note

Waitrose

Supermarket of Sedition

Way-Trows

Effete purveyor of goods and services, Waitrose is the consumer choice of pointy-headed liberal relativists and ivory tower elitists.

Its aisles jammed with expensive beverages and hilariously ethnic foodstuffs, it is here that the chattering classes that constitute the Academic/Media Complex gather to bray their contempt for the working man, before engaging in sordid bottom-based activities and mass golden showers.

Sample shopping list

Brie
Bruschetta
Latte
Anti-Semitic Pizza
Non-Israeli organic olives

Muscular Liberals disdain the fare available at the effeminate retailers, preferring to shop at Aldi with proletarian credibility while shunning all those branded with The Mark of Waitrose.

See also Liberal Dinner Party, What's Left?

Muscular Taxonomy

Know Your Decency

A Regular Series

#1 The Working Class Superhero

A titan of authenticity, the Working Class Superhero speaks for his entire social stratum with invincible moral authority, his every pronouncement a testament to the hard-learned wisdom of generations of ordinary Britons.

Appearing in public, onlookers gasp in astonishment at his amazing feats of humbleness, as he holds forth on who is and is not Tory filth, liberal scum, middle class vermin or fascist bastards.

Using the boundless power of his proletarian bona fides, the Superhero defends New Labour, the beloved blue-collar tribunes of the people, from relentless attacks by an unstoppable tide of chardonnay-swilling liberal elitists and ivory tower intellectuals. Armed with only five cursewords and a hideously repellent personality, the Superhero lays waste to the Waitrose-shopping moral relativists who seek to crush the plebians beneath their perfumed heel.

For intellectual sustenance, the Superhero turns to those rough-handed sons of toil Christopher Hitchens and Martin Amis, hanging rapt upon their every word. No matter where they go, they can be sure that the faithful Superhero will be on hand to protect them from hordes of bruschetta-munching hatemongers.

Even when Hitchens finds himself in darkened basements calling for torture and perpetual war, the Superhero will be huffing close behind, all clattering pots and pans, crying "I don't know where you're goin', Mister 'Itchens, but I'm comin' with you!" like some kind of mentally impaired, modern day Sam Gamgee.

For the Working Class Superhero, all considerations are secondary to the need to kill fascists, a term he defines so broadly that it encompasses roughly 60% of the planet's population. Naturally, the Superhero is content to delegate the actual fascist-killing to others, preferring to direct operations from the rear.

In the wider movement of Muscular Liberalism, the Superhero is the lone wolf, the loose cannon, even moved to deny his own Decency on occasion. The deception fools no-one, however, for the Superhero's perpetual hissy-fits and generalised condemnations prove that you can take the man out of Decency, but you can't take the Decency out of the man.

Nobody Could've Predicted

Rhetorical Ploy

Noh-Baw-Day Coo-Duv Preh-Dick-Ted

Risky yet potentially fruitful rhetorical gambit, whereby one asserts that the failures of certain foreign policy clusterfucks have been caused by astonishing, unforseeable acts of barbarity and random chance.

Amazing, utterly unprecedented occurrences that can be cited include -

Who would've thought that a modern military force could be stalemated by a committed insurgency? I mean, has this ever happened before?

Nobody could've predicted that demolishing a nation's civil structure would lead to lawlessness and looting...

I'm dumbfounded that an invasion and occupation of a country by a superpower would be met with foreign interference. It's totally unprecedented.

Jesus, if you'd told me five years ago that the Republicans would pack the CPA with clueless partisans and use the war as an excuse to loot the Federal Treasury, I would've called you a fascist and a twat... It's just unbelievable.

I could never have guessed that the US would respond to an invisible insurgency with brutal, overwhelming acts of demonstrative violence - I don't want to think about it too hard now, in case my wife has to wipe my exploded brains off my monitor.

These rhetorical gambits are useful when adressing the slow-witted, but may founder if accidentally presented to a pro-fascist familiar with the history of Vietnam or Afghanistan.

If caught out, immediately switch topic to the plight of Iranian Bus Drivers.

If pressed, it may be necessary to concede ground - see Mea Culpa Sed Tu Quoque Ad Maximum.

Moderate

Rhetoric

Maw-Deh-Rut

1. Person prepared to throw him or herself to the floor, abjectly begging forgiveness for his or her personal failings, religious and political beliefs, habits, friends and acquaintances.

Someone who accepts that he or she is entirely wrong and is willing to apologise for the manifest crimes of his or her entire political, religious or ethnic group, to whom one can thus reach out.

"What can we do when there are so few moderates with whom to engage?"

Case Law

Proceedings of the Court of Decency

Session 2007/08 CoD 33

Professor Geras vs. Your Intelligence

An interesting case just placed before the court, in which the plaintiff, Professor Geras, attacks the defendant, Your Intelligence, by extrapolating from an anecdotal account.

The facts of the case are clear -

1) That some guy with a website had that Kenneth Roth, director of Human Rights Watch (HRW), in the back of his Decent Taxi, wherein he did single out the Americans for special treatment, to whit -

2) That, in the back of some guy's Decent Taxi, Roth did categorically and maliciously state that American human rights violations will encourage nasty regimes to violate international law.

3) Hence, that in the back of some guy's Decent Taxi, Roth did state that America should be held to a higher standard than other nations. Thus -

C) Kenneth Roth is guilty of the crime of moral equivalence by effectively stating that it is more acceptable for tyrannical regimes to violate human rights.

Your Intelligence contends that it has been grievously insulted by Professor Geras's argument.

Analysis

The case is yet to come to court, and may prove to be a landmark in the evolution of Decent case law.

Firstly, the court will likely accept hearsay evidence obtained in the back of a Decent Taxi without independent corroboration.

Secondly, and controversially, a brief Google search reveals that HRW has repeatedly made some form of the following argument -

"It is highly damaging to the cause of international human rights when the nations that conceived, drafted, signed and have pushed for the enforcement of human rights laws are caught in flagrant violation of them. It is doubly damaging when those nations actively seek to exempt themselves from such laws with mendacious claims of exceptionalism and point-blank refusals to improve their behaviour.

This encourages people all over the world to believe that human rights are merely a stick for beating international pariahs, rather than strict laws which should be adhered to by all nations. The damage this causes may well be irreparable.

In short, the leader of the free world must possess the moral authority to castigate China's human rights record without facing an outbreak of sniggering."

Your Intelligence refuses to accept that a Professor Emeritus of politics is incapable of grasping this simple idea. Further, by implying that this argument means "it is to some extent all right for nasty regimes to violate human rights," Professor Geras has clearly insulted Your Intelligence.

Since Professor Geras has grievously insulted Your Intelligence on numerous occasions in the past, this may seem an open-and-shut-case. Readers are reminded, however, that the Court of Decency has a history of bizarre rulings against Humanitarian NGOs generally and Human Rights Watch in particular.

Full text of Professor Geras's musings here.

Mainstream Liberal Culture

Rhetoric

Mane-Streem Lih-Beh-Rall Kult-Yer

Odious hosepipe of hateful propaganda, urinating a thick stream of relativist bile into the eyes and ears of the hard-working, honest people of Britain.

Commonly associated with Hollywood, but in reality championed by the brie-eating liberal intelligentsia and ivory-tower elitists of the BBC.

"...so consistent was the pro-Islamist party line in the BBC's drama it seemed as if a politburo had taken control of the arts department."- Nick Cohen

Sample schedule - BBC1

6.00 Robin Hood

Pro-Jihadist re-imagining of the traditional legend, in which Osama and his Merry Islamists fight bravely against a thinly-veiled Tony Blair, as played by a short, fat, bald Keith Allen. This foul slice of terrorist-promoting light-entertainment repeatedly penetrates the eyes of innocent British children nationwide, spurting great wads of disease-ridden filth into their fragile little minds. With Minnie Driver. Producer Nigel Gurning-Twitte

7.00 Spooks

Racist drama chronicling the struggle of the intelligence services to expose the megalomaniacal schemes of a secret clan of demonic Jewish space-lizards from Saturn. German subtitles available in some areas, press red for extra Protocols. Producer Lavrenty O'Toole

8.00 Movie Premiere

Honey, I Wilfully Blinded Myself To The Urgent Threat Of Islamist Fascism (2005)

Fantastical action movie, starring Bruce Willis as a hard-bitten New York cop who must battle a thousand-strong band of fanatical terrorists from England, Germany, America, Russia, Australia, Mexico, Israel, Italy and Spain. Not a Muslim amongst them, of course, which is typical of the mealy-mouthed appeasers of Hollywood. Honestly, do you remember Delta Force? Proper bad guys, then, all swarthy and filled with genocidal bloodlust... That scene where Chuck Norris blasts that Palestinian with his motorbike's built-in grenade launchers, I was stiff as a rolling pin, I can tell you. But you don't get proper films like that these days, do you? No, it's all bending-over-backwards-to-avoid-offending-the-Muslim-fascists, isn't it? Bastards.

Also starring Jean Reno and Antonio Banderas as non-Islamic terrorists 1 and 2.

10.00 News

Daily litany of false accusations about the legitimate security operations of western nations. With Fiona Bruce.

10.30 Question Time

Hillary Benn and the American ambassador face hate-filled tirades from a jeering mob of liberal scum, while John Humphries and George Galloway fight to be first to lick the hot, salty tears of sorrow from their honest, trusting faces. Producer Tarquin Pierrepont

11.00 Fahrenheit 9/11

12.30 24

04:00 - With the clock ticking on an ebola-stuffed nuclear bomb, Jack is forced to take radical measures against an injured prisoner by shoving his arm down the suspect's throat and pulling his arsehole out of his nose. President Palmer faces a dilemma as he decides whether to accede to the terrorists' demands or to push a corkscrew into Mahmoud's eye really slowly. Meanwhile, Kim is menaced by a slightly annoyed cougar while sporting a truly sensational cleavage. Contains scenes of masturbatory violence, torture and sadism, although curiously, no strong language. Those crazy Americans, eh?

Now, that's more like it.

------------------------------------------------

See also ...

Screens that flicker and fail to challenge

Post-script to the new edition of What's Left?

The Bien-Pensant Robin Hood

...and many, many others.

Administrative Notes 2

Venezuela - An Apology

It has come to my attention that some consumers of Decent journalism and bloggery may have formed the impression that we believe President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is a megalomaniacal tyrant, drunk on power and intent upon launching a thousand-year reich of fascist horror.


Readers may also have misinterpreted our principled stand against Britons who write positively of Chavez as somehow indicating that they have "brought shame upon the Left".


In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.


Nonetheless, having re-examined articles and posts entitled Bloodthirsty Dictator Chavez Crushes All Human Freedom; Fascist British Chavistas - The Shame Of The Left and Nationalisation of Corporate Interests - Who Will Be First Into The Gas Chamber?, I can see why some confusion might have arisen.


As the official scribe of Muscular Liberalismtm, I can categorically state that we have always believed that Chavez is merely a very silly person, if not an outright figure of fun. His recent electoral defeat merely confirms that he is rather weak, ineffectual and something of a comical loser.


Nor have we ever intended to imply that leftists said nice things about him because of their inward yearning for the crushing of all democracy beneath the Latin jackboot. It was not our intention to imply that modern socialists are generally a feeble-minded mob of genocidal cretins whose brains are ripe to be washed with the most hateful and violent ideologies imaginable.


No, these leftists have instead "brought shame upon the Left" by believing the words of this empty-headed charlatan and his sub-Chomskyan jeremiads.


I hope this clarifies our principled position against this terrifying, cartoonish stuffed-shirt and his pathetic, hilarious attempt to overthrow democracy and create a totalitarian communist empire.


P.S. I have recently discovered that certain unserious writers have implied that our honest stance against Hugo Chavez is motivated solely by our desire to crush anyone who says nasty things about George W. Bush. Others have claimed that our position is motivated by our maniacal urge to discredit and destroy any political movement to the left of Blairism.


I can confirm that these accusations have no basis in fact, and are being circulated by a small, dishonest group of irrelevant, Stalinist throwbacks whose hatred of the American President has warped their tiny minds.

Intervention

Rhetorical Ploy

In-Terr-Ven-Shun

Turd-polishing linguistic quibble, designed to emphasise the good intentions motivating certain foreign policy disasters.

A term first coined by Alcoholics Anonymous, an intervention begins when several hundred thousand heavily-armed friends drop by, before relieving ones psychotic ruler of his non-existent nuclear weapons programs and settling down to sell ones natural resources to their friends at super-bonanza knock-down prices.

Used explicitly to disambiguate an intervention - a righteous moral crusade for freedom, truth and justice - from a deliberate war of aggression. The difference is vital in law, since one is awarded Nobel prizes for the first, and hung like a common cutthroat for the second.

"Professor Taylor's inability to distinguish an "invasion of Iraq" - as if a state's legitimate sovereignty had been violated by the removal of a bestial and kleptocratic regime - from an intervention in Iraq is merely the least of the many components in the evidence of his stupidity." - Oliver Kamm

See also Failures In The Reconstruction Process, Confronting Fascism, Kamm's Gimlet

Case Law

Proceedings of the Court of Decency

Session 2006/07 CoD 14

European Thuggery vs. European Fascism

A noteworthy test case for all students of Decent law, Thuggery vs. Fascism is the benchmark for assigning culpability following acts of mob racism and violence.

The court considered two instances of football-related civil disorder. In the first, French football fans racially abused then physically attacked an Israeli supporter - in the second, Israeli football fans disrupted a "minute's silence" for an assassinated former Prime Minister with racist chants.

Justice Zitver, presiding, overruled previous legal precedents requiring all acts of racist hatred to be judged by the same standard, creating a new two-tier hierarchy of prejudice. This new legal test, Israelum Accuso Non Potest, allows for the precise allocation of culpability.

In the first case, Justice Zitver held the nation of France responsible for the racist behaviour of a small group of French football supporters.

In the second, he held the continent of Europe responsible for the racist behaviour of over ten thousand Israeli football supporters.

Case closed, all costs to be paid by France.

Analysis - The judgement is notable for its refusal to adhere to the principle that "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander". In effect, Justice Zitver's ruling deliberately exempted the inhabitants of one nation from culpability for their actions.

While this proved controversial, it is entirely consistent with his previous rulings on the use of indiscriminate violence, collective punishment and human rights abuses, thus conforming with the principles of Decent law.

Full text of the judgements can be read here and here.

Reach Out

Rhetoric

Reetch Owt

Also, engage with, befriend, seek alliance with, and build good relations with.

The act of seeking out a person or group with whom one wishes to make common cause, then hectoring them at very great length over their personal and collective failings, religious and political beliefs, habits, friends and acquaintances etc.

To browbeat, to lecture. Also, to chide, sermonise, rebuke, tell off, dress down, hassle, harangue, preach to, scold, admonish, and shout at. The more belligerently one engages with a potential ally, the more likely that person is to grasp the firmness of ones opinions and the urgency of the situation.

"There's no doubt that the radicalisation of young Muslim men in Britain is a major problem. I say that we should reach out to moderate Muslims."

"Right! I've been making common cause with them for years -now's my chance to really befriend some sense into them on a one-to-one basis. I'll engage with those fuckers like they've never been engaged with before."

Legitimacy

Adjective

Leh-Jit-Tih-Mass-Say

The state of acting in accordance with the law, particularly in holding public office. A politician or head of state is ruled to hold his power legitimately providing he or she can secure the majority support of commenters at the internet blog Harry's Place.

Having secured a democratic mandate from the gatekeepers of Decency, a national leader is largely free to act in any way he or she sees fit. Penalty points are applied for failing to maintain at least an indifferent human rights record, indulging in blatant larceny or clamping down on free speech. Major credits can be gained by occasionally voicing weak support for surgical strikes upon whichever nation the West is bombing democracy into at that particular moment.

Any leader attempting to enact legislation to empower the mass of the people, redistribute wealth or curtail the excesses of the free market will be regarded as suspicious.

Any leader mentioning The Rubble can expect instant disqualification.

"Of course Hugo Chavez is a dictator - he has no legitimacy whatsoever."

"But he's won election after election. He may be mad as a box of weasels, but surely he's earned his office."

"Are you deaf or something? The people have spoken - he's a dictator."

Complicit

Rhetorical Ploy

Komm-Pliss-Sit

Conjugation of support.

"I support Israeli self-defence against Hezbollah.

You are in agreement with Hezbollah.

They are Complicit in Hezbollah's aggression."

WWGD?

Sporting Pursuit

Acronym for What Will Galloway Do? Amusing internet pastime, prompted by any mildly political or military occurance.

Properly executed, the WWGD gambit can result in days of entertainment and ribaldry as hundreds of humourists speculate wildly over the perfidy of the football-faced, shouty political Munchkin.

"I see that the people of Burma are protesting against their tyrannical rulers. Analysts fear that the regime will react violently... this situation has the potential for appalling loss of life, but also extends the hope that the people of that nation will overthrow their corrupt rulers... All of which leaves us with only one vital, burning question... WWGD?"

"Galloway will definitely issue a statement in support of the regime, decrying the imperialist United Nations Committee on Human rights..."

"Ho ho, he'll set up a charity - I can see it now, DictatorAid! Please give generously..."

"I reckon GG will be on the first plane out to fellate these dictators and tickle their balls."

"LOL!!!!!1!!!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! ! My face hurts from laughing!!!!"

":)!!!!" (Cont. ad infinitum)

Chucklesome version of "Yo Mamma So Fat" for middle-class university graduates.

Racism

Noun

Ray-Sizz-Zum

Anti-Semitism.

Good Intentions

Rhetorical Ploy

Good In-Ten-Shuns

1. Naive ideals about anti-racism held by latte-swilling Islington liberals, which have inevitably led to the ghettoisation and fragmentation of modern Britain into a collection of mutually hostile ethnic and religious clan fiefdoms.

Stupid and deluded beliefs resulting in unmitigated disaster, thoroughly discrediting the effete Ivory Tower simpletons who hold them.

2. Righteous ideals about anti-fascism held by Muscular Liberals, which have accidentally led to the ghettoisation and fragmentation of modern Iraq into a collection of mutually hostile ethnic and religious clan fiefdoms.

Timeless and compelling beliefs resulting in qualified success, thoroughly vindicating the sensible and serious commentators who hold them.

See also Failures Of The Reconstruction, Stable Democracy, Confronting Fascism.

Responsibility

Noun

Reh-Sponce-Sib-Bill-Lit-Tay

Rhetorical ploy and moral blank cheque excusing any and all fatalities incurred during surgical strikes upon military targets - full and final culpability for any casualties resulting from the actions of Democrats.

"Let me see if I can pin down your point here. Surely the occupation of Iraq has been an abject disaster -"

"Yes, and one for which terrorists bear ultimate responsibility."

"Oh, come on, you're not suggesting that all those wedding parties that have been obliterated-"

"... Are unfortunate horrors, arising from the depravity of fascists."

"... Right. So when the Metropolitan Police mistakenly shoot a member of the public at point blank range, then pump exculpatory propaganda into the media, that would be-"

"That would be a disgraceful failure in operational procedures, compounded by a grotesque and deliberate strategy of misinformation."

"My goodness, really?"

"No, not really, you total retread - it's the fucking terrorists' fault again, isn't it?"

"I see. David Aaronovitch, thank you."

"No problem Jeremy, it's always a pleasure appearing on Newsnight."

The Moral High Ground

Rhetorical Ploy

Tha Maw-Rull Hy Grownd

1. Righteous position claimed during acts of Terrorism-By-Proxy - a comfortable, satisfying aura of regretful determination.

2. The only place left to stand after cheering surgical strikes on the Low Ground and the cluster bombing of the Middle Ground.

In Agreement With

Rhetorical Ploy

In Ah-Gree-Mint With

Faux-innocent argumentative manoeuvre, handy for pretending not to understand the difference between the concept of an American Israel lobby comprising right-wing cranks, and the idea of an all-powerful secret cabal of eldritch Zionist Cthulu-Monsters who can command the United Nations with the merest flick of a gelatinous tentacle.

Generally employed when confronted with inconvenient opinions, this simple technique sets a metaphorical army of miniature clockwork Nazis goose-stepping all over the argument, thus bringing it to a swift conclusion.

"Well, I think it's pretty obvious that American policy in the Middle East is heavily influenced by a small group of hardcore Republican partisans, religious fundamentalists and general right wing monomaniacs."

"Why, isn't that interesting - you are in agreement with neo-nazis, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, David Irving, Mussolini, David Duke, Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler and Darth Vader! I find that rather suspicious."

Objectively

Adverb

Ob-Jekt-Tiv-Lay

Crafty euphemism for Not Really.

Word used to indicate that the speaker possesses no evidence whatsoever to back up his assertion and prefers instead to exhume the corpse of George Orwell, then force the 1984 author's grinning, clattering bones to dance mechanically to the speaker's tune.

"Those who demonstrated in support of the Ba'athist regime were not marching in support of peace - they were objectively pro-Saddam."

"Whoah, dude, cool skeleton! Hey, make him do the hula!"

Silence

Noun

Sy-Lense

1. Complete absence of sound in Britain when democrats are attacked by fascists.

2. Complete absence of sound in Britain when one foreign nation attacks another in a flagrant act of aggression.

Often ironically contrasted to previous vocal and strident Anti-War Protests at which thousands of bruschetta-munching trendy lefties congregated to cheer on Saddam Hussein's reign of terror.

"So when Britain prepares to liberate Iraq, British liberals Go Berserk! But when terrorist suicide bombers slaughter thousands of civilians, there's nothing but the sound of silence."

"Well, that's probably because terrorist suicide bombers couldn't give a flying shit about the opinions of British demonstrators-"

"Nonsense - it's rank, anti-Western, Occidentalist hypocrisy."

Self Defence

Noun

Selph Dee-Fense

1. The righteous act of protecting one's country from small bands of foreign-based terrorists by bombing the infrastructure of the host nation to smithereens.

Regretably necessary surgical strikes against fascists, resulting in hundreds of cases of Al-Qaedification and Terrorism-By-Proxy.

Causes the Far Left and the Academic/Media Complex to Go Berserk!

2. A despicable act of unwarranted aggression undertaken against democrats.

Opportunistic military rampage launched by known genocidaires, launched under the pretense of attacking foreign-based freedom fighters, resulting in silence from the Far Left and the Academic/Media Complex.

Case Law

Proceedings Of The Court Of Decency

Session 2006-07 - CoD 43

The Liberal Intelligentsia vs. Manning

The plaintiff held that the defendant, Bernard Manning (deceased) was guilty of the crime of racism. Supporting its case, the plaintiff presented documentary evidence showing the defendant engaged in racist behaviours, video evidence of same and anecdotal evidence from numerous eye-witnesses.

The defendant offered no rebuttal, having recently died.

Justice Brown, presiding, found against the plaintiff and declared the defendant not racist based upon mitigation.

Firstly, Justice Brown held that the defendant's extensive charity work should be counted in his favour.

Secondly, he held that Mr. Manning's alleged racism was mitigated by his British origin. Justice Brown clarified that he would not have applied such leniency had Mr. Manning lived in the American deep South during the 1950's.

He also exempted the defendant from blame on grounds of his profession, holding that comedians should benefit from a wide margin of appreciation not afforded to politicians.

Finally, in summing up, Justice Brown found Mr. Manning prima facie working class, and admonished the Liberal Intelligentsia for it's braying, snobbish condescension of an honest, hard working man.

Case dismissed, all costs to be paid by the plaintiff.

Analysis - The judgement is unusual for it's stark departure from established practice - several aspects of the decision seemed contradictory to previously accepted case law, in particular Justice Brown's advice that the plaintiff should "...turn off (its) racist antennae".

Experts were nonplussed by the verdict of not racist, since the court saw video evidence in which the defendant answered the question "Are you racist?" with the word "Yes."

Additionally, the notion that defendants can claim protection from charges of racism on the grounds of "not being a politician" is highly inconsistent with previous rulings.

It remains to be seen whether this judgement has established the precedent of Homo Laborum Intactum, which could grant immunity from prosecution to any person capable of carrying off a convincingly proletarian accent.

Full transcript of the judgement.

Well-Funded

Rhetorical Ploy

Wehll Funn-Ded

Hilarious euphemism for Jewish, used to imply that one's opponent is a closet Nazi who believes that the world is controlled by seven-foot tall Zionist lizardmen.

Particularly useful when pretending not to understand the difference between the concept of an American Israel lobby comprising right-wing cranks, Republicans and religious fundamentalists, and the idea of an omnipotent Zionist Shadow-Government of megalomaniacal, telepathic reptilian space-monsters.

Anti-War Protest

Noun

Mooz-Limz And Cruss-Tayz And Trotz, O My!

Pro-War protest, mounted by those who are On The Other Side.

A gathering of a few hundred cowardly demonstrators, tinfoil-hatted cranks and straw-men, marching together in support of fascist totalitarianism, motivated by suspicious, obsessive self-hatred and a longing to be crushed under the Islamofascist jackboot.

A rollicking good party of apologism where useful idiots cavort indecently, celebrating their childish rebellion against the father figures of authority, while furiously laughing and wanking mucky splurts of pro-Jihadi ichor into the trusting, pleading faces of the victims of tyranny.

The main Anti-War Protest of 2003 was the Bastille Day of Decency, at which several hundred Decents experienced epiphanies when faced with a broad coalition of fascists, trendy lefties and Ivory Tower elitists, thereafter penning atrociously dull books describing their brown-trousered horror.

"When I awoke on the morning of 15th February, I discovered that one million Britons had chosen to march in support of a fascist regime - the largest such rally since the marches against the overthrow of General Franco in 1975...

When I asked one young marcher why she was marching in solidarity with fascists, she resorted to a glib witticism, braying "Mister, yer fly's open and yer balls are hanging out!"

Looking down, I was horrified to discover that she was correct - it was at that moment that I espied Lady Fotheringhame, who was staring open-mouthed at my exposed clackersack in shock and undisguised revulsion...

"I can explain everything!" I blurted, stepping forward, but unbeknown to me a police horse had just that moment laid a fresh deposit of steaming manure, and I slipped and stumbled forwards into the ample bosom of a heavyset lady in a floral dress. My protestations of innocence went unheeded as she began to thrash me with her handbag..."

Extract from What's Left? by Nick Cohen

"I was deeply and passionately anti-war, determined to demonstrate my implacable hatred of the Nazi imperialist George Bush. I marched to show my steadfast commitment, my moral certitude and my genocidal hatred of western democracy...

...Then I clapped eyes on a crusty juggler talking to a bloke with a beard, and the scales fell from my eyes... I immediately threw my lot in with the pro-war crowd, who were far cooler kids, had better parties and free beer."

Extract from The Joy of Sectarianism by Andrew Anthony

Working Class

Noun

Wurr-King Klass

Social group of people employed for wages, especially in industrial or manual work, noted for their level-headed sensibilities, sense of humour and grim, steadfast hostility to the chicanery of Ivory Tower elitists and effete Hampstead liberals.

Represented in government by the humble, plain-spoken proletarians of New Labour, who wage a brave and unrelenting struggle against the megalomaniacal power-lust of chardonnay-swilling trendy lefties and the Academic/Media Complex's totalitarian grip on the reins of power.

With their natural ability to detect bullshit, they are instinctively distrustful of morally superior useful idiots and Saddam-fellating apologists for tyranny, preferring to place their faith in the callussed hands of modest, labouring sons of toil such as Martin Amis and Christopher Hitchens.

Frequently mocked by bruschetta-munching appeasers, who spend up to 75% of their waking hours urinating verbal filth into the upturned faces of the honest, upstanding people of Britain, leaving rough-hewn, Working Class Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

See also Liberal Dinner Party, Decent Dole, Saint Anthony of Good Faith.

Catalogue of Contempt

Rhetorical Ploy

Kat-Ah-Log Ov Kon-Temt

Interminable liturgy of contemporary and historical atrocities and injustices that must be condemned before one is permitted to criticise any Departures From Universal Principles committed by Democrats.

The Catalogue of Contempt must be recited sequentially without any omissions - errors invariably result in an extended Will-You-Condemn-A-Thon.

"...Thus leading to the Highland Clearances, a disgusting abuse of power in which thousands of families were forced from their land and made derelict - an act which I condemn utterly, without reservation...

...Turning to the 417th item of our list, the Israeli "Security Barrier", which is really nothing more than a disguised attempt to-"

"Hey, why single out Israel for criticism? What's this obsession with the Jews, eh?"

See also Moral Equivalence, Suspicious.

Decent Taxi

Rhetorical Ploy

Dee-Sint Tack-Say

Apochryphal, unverifiable mode of transport in which anonymous Ivory Tower elitists and chardonnay-swilling trendy lefties lower their guard, thus revealing their true opinions to Nick Cohen.

A mobile Liberal Dinner Party, in which unidentified latte-sipping Hampstead liberals spill their pampered, bruschetta-stuffed guts.

Once ensconced within the Decent Taxi, no relativist can resist braying out his contempt for the working class, America, Britain, Freedom, Jews, the Enlightenment, Morality and Decency, causing Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

"I'll tell you what, Andy, I 'ad this couple in the back of my cab the other day - right posh, like, 'oity-toity Islington liberal types. Sniggering, they were, sniggering at working class voters for worrying about gun crime... 'Who cares if these bovine oafs are gunned down by the fousand?', she says, all laughing and snorting chardonnay out of 'er nose."

"Get out of here, Nick my old son - she really said that?"

"God's 'onest troof, mate, right in the back of my own Decent Taxi. Then he starts pumpin' 'er up the Aristotle while she reads Noam Chomsky aloud."

See also What's Left?, Decent Dole, Decent TARDIS.

Fascism

Noun

Fah-Shizz-Zum

1. Extremely nationalistic, often right wing, authoritarian ideology or system of government, commonly characterised by:

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- Strict adherence to the whims and diktats of a central authority figure, who is held to embody the virtue and power of the nation;

- Belief in one's own nation and system of government as the pinnacle of human endeavour, and the desire to impose it upon others;

- Officially endorsed scaremongering and dehumanisation of selected minority ethnic groups, who are held to be a threat to the very existence of the nation - declarations of hatred and contempt for foreigners, who are commonly regarded as weak, effeminate and in need of strong leadership.

- Domestically - extreme militarism and glorification of the armed forces and the use of violence. Extra-territorially - aggressive actions against those declared to threaten the interests of the state;

- Demands for slavish obedience to illogical and repugnant political ideologies, as espoused by central authority figures;

- Murder, torture, extra-judicial imprisonment and detention camps, enacted by a central authority that is unbound and unchecked by laws, processes or opposing political forces;

- Attempts to delete inconvenient facts from the historical record;

- The dissemination of officially endorsed propaganda glorifying the strength of central authority figures who are vital to the defense of the nation, while denigrating and dehumanising all opposition.
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2. Any person or action offending the sensibilities of Muscular Liberals.

Disambiguation - Not to be confused with objectively Pro-Fascist, which is used to describe any person or action not furthering the use of violence against Fascists.

Solidarity With Decent Iraqis

Rhetorical Ploy

Declaration of support for the good guys in Iraqi Political Football proclaimed by persons located no closer than 2000 miles from Iraq itself.

Exculpatory, post-liberation justification for the pre-emptive invasion of resource-rich Middle Eastern nations.

Obfuscatory gambit, useful for explaining vastly complex bloodbaths involving an incomprehensible patchwork of militias, death squads, private armies, criminal gangs and terrorist groups, all of whom split their loyalties between a bewildering array of political, religious, national and tribal interests.

Best expressed through the use of Decent Logic -

a) The justified invasion of Iraq has unleashed murderous tribal and ethnic violence, for which democrats bear no responsibility whatsoever.

b) No democrat should support murderous tribal and ethnic violence.
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C) The invasion of Iraq was therefore a good idea, and all democrats should support the Coalition's continued efforts to create a stable democracy.

See also Terrorists Are Bad, Failures in the Reconstruction Process, Moral Determinism, If-It-Hadn't-Been-For-You-Darn-Meddling-Kids, Victory.

Minimise

Verb

Mih-Nih-Myse

1. Despicable technique used by the far Left to play down the savagery and murderousness of fascists for propaganda purposes.

Disambiguation: Not to be confused with the act of placing the accidental bombing of civilians by democrats In Context or Putting them Into Perspective.

2. Civilised military tactic whereby surgical strikes upon military targets are designed to keep civilian casualties in the low teens.

See also Al-Qaedification, Terrorism-By-Proxy.

George Orwell

Historical Figure (1903-1950)

Novelist, political commentator and Patron Saint of Decency, George Orwell's ideas form the basis of modern Muscular Liberalism.

While he garners much respect for having physically confronted fascism by enlisting to fight in the Spanish Civil War, he is particularly lionised by Muscular Liberals for his political writings.

His most important and relevant works heap derision upon elitist Hampstead liberals and the Ivory Tower intelligentsia, rigorously refuting and ridiculing their moral relativism and liberal guilt.

Orwell was also the celebrated author of works on linguistic accuracy in political speech, inspiring Decents to eschew all forms of propaganda and weasel words when arguing.

From Nick Cohen to Comrade Hitchens, all respect the absolute prohibition upon the use of deceitful language to conceal unpalatable arguments.

Problematically, however, historians tend to gloss over Orwell's psychotic hatred of elephants, which he hunted and executed by the thousand, gunning them down without mercy while laughing in celebration.

External sources: Politics and the English Language by George Orwell, British Writer Sought After Elephant-Shooting Spree, Guardian Online

Updated - Boycott

Noun/Verb

Boi-Kott

1. Noble, voluntarily accepted prohibition upon purchasing consumer goods or indulging in professional transactions that profit regimes with poor human rights records. Allows Democrats to ethically register their objection to injustice.

2. Suspicious act of racist aggression proposed by the grievance-mongering Far Left to single out Democrats. Allows fascists to unethically register their obsessive hatred.

A proposed boycott of a civilised nation raises all manner of serious ethical and philosophical questions, e.g.: if a useful idiot proposes a boycott when there is nobody around to hear it, is it still anti-semitic?

Further reading - Fallout: The Joy of Sectarianism, by Andrew Anthony.

Administrative Notes 1

Praise for The Encyclopedia of Decency.

"(like) ...an Edinburgh Fringe publicity site... Only not as funny... you are dickhead of epic proportions who is to satire what Titus Bramble is to defending" - Brownie, Harry's Place Poster

"... deceitful and mendacious... you're an opportunistic, self-righteous knob." Alec MacPherson, Harry's Place

"Idiocy." - Josh Scholar, Harry's Place

"...peculiar and obsessive... deluded imbecile... talentless wastril... about as funny as Bob Hope... ridiculous." - Commenters at Drink-Soaked Trotskyite Popinjays For War.

"It's broos-KET-uh you thick cunt." - Anonymous commenter, EoD

In Context

Rhetorical Ploy

Inn Kon-Teckst

Circumstances forming the setting for an event, statement, or massive bombing campaign launched by Democrats.

Argumentative technique and moral blank cheque by which one justifies surgical strikes on military targets that lead to unfortunate instances of Al-Qaedafication and Terrorism-By-Proxy.

"I don't really see how the bombardment of Lebanon can be justified as an anti-terror operation - how can it be called "counter-terrorism" if a nation kills twenty times more civilians than their terrorist foes?"

"Well, the cluster-bombing of Beirut has to be seen in context - after all, Terrorists Are Bad and civilised nations have the right to legitimate self-defence."

Disambiguation: Should not be confused with understanding, by which the Far Left excuses, minimises and supports acts of terrorist violence.

Nor should it be confused with Mbunderstand, an argumentative device utilised by Madeleine Bunting to condone the tipping of buckets of shit over the heads of innocent bystanders.

External source: Norm Geras on Mbunderstanding.

Far Left

Pitiful Laughing Stock/Existential Threat

Hilariously ineffectual and disorganised gang of Students Waving Placards supporting the opposition in Iraqi Political Football.

A fringe groupuscle of suspicious, unserious ideologues whose influence upon the public consciousness is precisely nil, the Far Left is a rabid, ravening wolf begnawing the soft underbelly of British democracy.

Led by George Galloway, Brian Haw-Haw and the Academic/Media Complex this ludicrous gaggle of clueless no-hopers and bumbling intellectual pygmies threaten to undermine the very foundations of law and liberty.

Perpetually colluding with fascists to destroy all human freedom or spewing racist propaganda in preparation for a new Holocaust, these insignificant non-entities can be found prattling their snakebite-fuelled drivel to three men and a dog on any given night.

Their risible attempt to prevent the liberation of Iraq having been met with public derision, these feeble political assassins have pressed the curved scimitar of Islam to the throat of civilisation by conspiring with a comically inept band of ruthless, bloodthirsty Jihadist monsters.

These farcical buffoons are closely watched by vigilant Decents, whose commitment to resisting the hideous threat of these useful idiots is vital in the quest to confront fascism.

No Muscular Liberal would ever miss an opportunity to point out how the Far Left's prohecies of resurgent Western imperialism and malfeasance have fatally wounded its credibility.

Known for their intolerant boycotts and demonstrations, the Far Left would never miss an opportunity to gloat over the Failures in the Reconstruction Process that have blighted Iraq's transition to stable democracy.

See also moral equivalence, Liberal guilt, Grievance Mongering.

Laugh In Celebration

Fascist Hilarity

Laff In Sell-Leh-Bray-Shun

Response of Fascists to any suggestion by the Academic/Media Complex that the increased threat of terrorism is in any way related to certain foreign policy catastrophes.

(Group of swarthy Jihadists cluster round television to watch Ken Livingstone speech).

KEN: "I think it's obvious that our policies of torture, extra-judicial detention and surgical strikes have played into the hands of terrorist groups."

JIHADISTS: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! THIS USEFUL IDIOT CRACKS US UP!

(Tears, gasping for breath, cries of "Nurse, my sides!")

Fahrenheit 9/11

Celluloid Travesty

Fah-Renn-Hite Niy-Nee-Leh-Ven

Pro-Fascist propaganda movie about kite-flying Iraqi children playing at the swingpark, while fluffy bunnies snuggle with Uday and Qusay and sparkling magical ponies frolic in the Tigris.

Also contains brief historical distortions and rhetorically inflated references to bombing.

Academic/Media Complex

All-Powerful Propaganda Machine

Pro-Fascist echo chamber, denounced by Alan Johnson for spreading the ideology and psychology of grievance, causing Islamists to laugh in celebration.

Seven-headed, braying Hydra spitting chardonnay in the face of the victims of oppression, while spewing the propaganda of moral equivalence from their ivory towers in Hampstead and Islington.

Omnipotent elitist boot stamping on the face of Decency forever, comprising the all-powerful septumvirate of John Kampfner, Michael Moore, Ken Livingstone, Noam Chomsky, Seumas Milne, Madeleine Bunting and the corpse of Michel Foucalt, supported by a gibbering cohort of unserious pro-fascist demonstrators and useful idiots.

The gormless, traitorous yakking of the Academic/Media Complex is directly responsible for the failure of Muscular Liberalism to bomb democracy into the Middle East. The Complex is an unstoppable juggernaut of appeasement, while the only allies of Decency are unknown columnists in the mainstream press and the utterly impotent, marginalised governments of the United Kingdom and the United States of America.

External sources - Death To The Fascist Insect That Preys Upon The Life Of The People, by Alan Johnson.

See also Liberal Dinner Party.

Realist

Noun

Ree-List

1. Person accepting a situation as it is and dealing with it accordingly.

2. Person objectively collaborating with Fascists, enabling their genocidal hatred and bloodlust.

Cynical reliance upon empirical evidence, as opposed to strict adherence to Decency - Muscular Liberalism rarely allows reality to intrude into its policy considerations.

3. Pejorative term used to belittle Pro-Fascists and Pacifists.

"I think the Republicans have shown that they will exploit any situation to shore up their poll numbers and stuff the pockets of their business associates - they can't be trusted to competently handle further invasions or surgical strikes, and any person with an interest in human rights should refuse to support such actions."

"Why, you're nothing but a calculating, cold blooded, conservative realist whose use for rights and ideals is limited to pretending to care."

See also Pacifism, Appeasement, Moral Equivalence.

The Rubble

Euphamism

Tha Ruh-Buhl

What remains after the judicious application of the Decent Debating Technique and Terrorists Are Bad have led to the complete collapse of a Middle Eastern nation.

Smelly, disorderly pile of exaggeration, moral blackmail, sanctimony and outright lies, upon which a shining era of democracy and human rights shall be built.

That which must never be picked through, unless it is necessary to cannibalise raw materials for the liberation of Iran, Lebanon or Syria.

"the proper concern of genuine liberals and members of the Left should have been the battle to put in place in Iraq a democratic political order and to rebuild the country's infrastructure, to create after decades of the most brutal oppression a life for Iraqis which those living in democratic countries take for granted—rather than picking through the rubble of the arguments over intervention." - Euston Manifesto

Departure From Universal Principles

Euphamism

Exculpatory linguistic wriggle for distinguishing the criminal brutality of civilised nations from that of fascist tyrannies, best summarised as "Okay, we torture people to death, but if it wasn't for us torture wouldn't be illegal in the first place."

The practice of beating restrained prisoners to death, "Palestinian hanging", coercive drowning, sexual humiliation and other forms of torture, in a network of secret military prisons kept beyond judicial oversight, as tacitly approved by the Republicans.

Moral blank cheque written to ensure that the war crimes of one's allies are put into perspective. When used in conjunction with We Punish War Crimes, We're Nicer Than Saddam and Terrorists Are Bad, allows one to reclaim the moral high ground.

From section C of the Euston Manifesto...

"The violation of basic human rights standards at Abu Ghraib, at Guantanamo, and by the practice of "rendition", must be roundly condemned for what it is: a departure from universal principles, for the establishment of which the democratic countries themselves, and in particular the United States of America, bear the greater part of the historical credit."

Criticism of any such Departures From Universal Principles is permitted only after the recitation of the Catalogue of Contempt in its entirety.

Should not be confused with the minimisation of atrocities, which is solely a tactic of the far Left.

External sources - My Jack Bauer Fantasy by Nick Cohen, What's With This Silly Taboo on Discussing Torture? by Norm Geras, Terrorists Are Bad So Why Should We Give a Shit About Arbitrary Detention and Torture? by Christopher Hitchens.

Humanitarian NGOs

Courageous Anti-Totalitarians/Despicable Apologists

Hyoo-Mahn-Nit-Tay-Ray-Yun En-Jee-Oze

1. Saintly, virtuous organisations striving to shed the light of truth upon the torture and human rights violations of fascist regimes.

2. Partisan, politicised organisations striving to rhetorically inflate the departures from universal principles of civilised nations.

3. Disgraceful, hatemongering organisations striving to disseminate the fascist propaganda of terrorists.

"I cancelled my membership of Amnesty International when their condemnation of the Americans' network of secret prisons exposed their rank moral equivalence... I then joined Human Rights Watch, but had to withdraw my support after some guy with a website exposed them as pro-fascist anti-semites... these days, the only Humanitarian NGOs I trust are Freedom House and the CIA."