Monday, 29 December 2008

Tragedy

Regrettable Act, Deliberately Committed

Trah-Jeh-Day

Unfortunately necessary Al-Qaedification of civilians for unclear and most probably pointless military purposes, undertaken in self-defence with deep psychic anguish by Democrats.

Heartbreaking, highly distressing bombing campaigns which cause Decents to bow their heads in a moment of quiet, sorrowful reflection at the sheer waste of life, before penning exculpatory newspaper articles detailing the desperate need for more surgical strikes.

"I don't know, Professor... I sympathise with the plight of the Israelis in facing such an intransigent and fanatical enemy, but these most recent strikes smack of gratuitous and aimless violence born of political utility."

"I know, I know, it's a Tragedy, and I for one feel extreme sympathy for any non-combatants caught in the crossfire. Words cannot express my boundless grief at these entirely regrettable events, but it is with a heavy, heavy heart that I must remind you that Terrorists Are Bad, so basically - fuck it, why the hell not?"

See also: Military Target, Terrorism-By-Proxy

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Admin Notes 10 - The Bruschettas 2008

The festive season is upon us once more and in true end-of-year tradition, it's time for voting to open in the inaugural Bruschetta Awards, as given by The Encyclopedia of Decency in recognition of outstanding service to the cause of Muscular Liberalism.

My nominations for a few awards follow as an example, and readers are invited to submit any instances of Decency above and beyond the call of duty before the final count. Without much ado, let us commence...

The Mammy-Two-Shoes Award

Awarded in recognition of the most hysterically overblown reaction to a non-story, named for the old lady who owned Tom in Tom & Jerry.

To my mind, this year's finest display of chair-leaping, skirt-clutching, broom-beating shriekery was David T. of Harry's Place's jihad on segregated swimming - a not-really-very-interesting story immediately pounced on by the Mail, the Telegraph, and a global audience of gleeful wingnuts and white supremacists.

Congratulations are due, for inflating a disinterested decision made by a dipshit local administrator into an epic struggle between secularism, religious reaction and ethnic segregation is harder than it looks.


The Islingtonian Award For Anecdotal Anti-Semitism

Given for excellence in the reporting of alleged fashion-accessory racism by unidentified chardonnay-swilling elitists at Liberal Dinner Parties or in Decent Taxis.

Surely nobody has given as much in this field as Dennis MacShane MP, whose unstinting work in relating unverifiable tales of haute-cuisine Hebrew-hatred by anonymous middle-class liberals is second to none.

The Golden Wankshaft

Awarded for the most crass smuggling of deranged, wingnut culture war propaganda under the cover of a supposedly left wing critique.

Readers will do well to find a more egregious example than Nick Cohen's When Barack's Berserkers Lost The Plot, which joyfully embraced the hilarious "Liberal elitists hate Sarah Palin because she's so working class" propaganda being pumped out by America's most barking.

Extra points are awarded for invoking the following Decent hot-button words - Post-Modern, Support for the Iraq war, Neocons, "Leftists... Allowing their hatred to override their judgement" and Eric Hobsbawm.

Suggestions are also humbly requested in the following categories -


The Coalface Gong -
For the most ostentatious condemnation of generic middle class liberals and high-horse antics over the working class by a Decent earning not less than three times the national average wage;

The Bellicosity Bauble - For the most bloodcurdling call for counterproductive warmaking;

The Inkblot - Given for the most impressive extrapolation of fascist, racist and/or pro-terrorist beliefs from the flimsiest evidence, preferably an out-of-context, single-sentence quote;


The Sara Lee Award - For the simultaneous consumption and retention of one's ideological cake. Winners are likely to be found amongst commentators on the Russo-Georgian war, during which Georgia managed to be both an American client state and not an American client state at the same time, and finally;

The Fuckam Tu Quoque - Given to the Decent who issued the most grudging, minimalist admission of error, accompanied by the most hilariously bitter But You Are All Bastards Nonetheless snark.

Many thanks.

Libel Laws

Liberty, If It Means Anything, Is The Right To Call Anyone You Don't Like a Nazi In A Consequence-Free Environment

Despicable legal mechanism used to crush free speech, allowing persons one has described as a genocidal, jew-baiting, terrorist-loving, goosestepping fascist bastard to seek redress, apology and/or retraction.

Horrifying potential barrier to the promulgation of disingenuous smears and outright lies based upon out-of-context quotes and Decent Telepathy, tyrannical Libel Laws are the pro-fascist's boot on the neck of freedom.

"...And I say, what is Britain coming to when a man cannot concoct a fraudulent case against a number of named individuals, repeatedly describe them as racist cranks and hate-filled sympathisers with genocidal terrorists, publish their employment details on the internet then set hundreds of online maniacs swarming over them like flying, screeching, shitting monkeys, without receiving a tetchy letter from a lawyer... It's outright oppression, is what it is."

Saturday, 20 December 2008

League Of Democracies

International Crime-Fighting Syndicate

Leeg-Ov-Deh-Maw-Krah-Sayz

Decision-making body composed of Democratic nations whose leaders can be relied upon to be accountable to their citizens, to respect the rule of law and to do what they're bloody-well told.

Notional replacement for the United Nations, theoretically proposed because the existing body has failed to exterminate evil from the universe, the League of Democracies will leap tall buildings and zip around the planet faster than a speeding bullet, fighting for truth, justice and the Republican way.

Admittance to the League would be dependent upon a country's democratic bona fides, its legal system, its human rights record and its willingness to accept international Norms of Decency, which would be considered in-depth before being utterly blown off in favour of a quick America, Yay!/America, Boo! qualification test.

Theoretically brilliant mechanism for annoying the Russians, the Iranians and the Syrians, the League of Democracies allows the most priapic level of moral grandstanding while still being laughably unworkable in practice, making it the quintessentially Decent enterprise.

Saturday, 13 December 2008

Administrative Notes 8

Announcement - Introducing "Decentpedia Arts"

The rise of blogging in recent years has laid bare the limitations of the traditional "dead tree" media. In today's multifaceted, super-lubricated media landscape, the mainstream press finds itself outstripped and intimately molested by the growth of newer, stupider online commentary.

Can any reader honestly deny that, on opening The Guardian, they have never thought to themselves, This newspaper needs many, many more nostalgic, colonoscopic ruminations on the history of punk rock?

Surely you have found yourself wishing that there was some outlet devoted to ponderous deconstruction of the endless Jihadist propaganda of primetime BBC dramas, and the subsequent rectal detection of racist tropes?

And who can honestly say that they have never seen a poster for a Hollywood film and thought, Boy, rather than pay to watch that, I'd far prefer to read a hysterical weblog entry accusing its director of sedition and complicity with terrorists?

If so, Decentpedia Arts is for you - a daily journal of cultural highlights viewed from a Decent perspective, vibrating and glistening in the shine-buffed abstraction of the cybermedial. It will be stuffed to the anus with fellatious reviews of the creative works of my friends and political allies, and strident condemnations of the traitorous artworks and the elitist literature of my political enemies.

Whether you're a frustrated, middle-aged white guy who is horribly embarrassed of the stupid opinions you held as a youngster, or just an old-fashioned small-minded reactionary terrified of modernity and hostile to the foreign and the novel, Decentpedia Arts will do for culture what its pusillanimous, mealy-mouthed sniping and bitter, resentment-fuelled carping have done for politics.

Upcoming articles include...

Nando's - My Deeply Authentic Proletarian Dining Odyssey

Bonekickers, Spooks And Doctor Who - The BBC Drama Department's Thirst For Murder

Question Time - Should The Left Support The Execution Of David Dimbleby?

Jon Snow - A Life In Broadcasting Fascist Lies

The Clash - How a Tenuous Connection To The Far Left Thirty Years Ago Means Joe Strummer Was a Nazi Communist

The Smiths - It Were All Trees Around Here When I Were a Lad (or, You Don't See Bands Like That These Days, It's All Just Noise Now, Isn't It)

The Berserkers Of Hollywood - Nick Cohen Can't See Any Jihadist Villains In Movies With His Head Jammed Up His Hoop

Why Free Speech Must Be Absolutely Free And Unlimited For Everyone, Except For Homophobic Jamaican Rappers, Guardian Columnists and Tedious Left Wing Bloggers, Who Should Be Imprisoned The Very Moment They Open Their Disgusting Mouths

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Scaremongering

Disingenuous Rhetorical Ploy

Scay-yer-Mun-Gerr-Ring

Upon being faced with a terrorist atrocity, a despicable attempt to spread dangerous levels of calm, reason and a sense of proportion amongst the Not-Yet-Murdered*.

The disgusting insinuation that Decents would attempt to smuggle bad policies past the populace by terrifying them into submission, made while wilfully ignoring the fact that suicide bombers will kill all of your children and pets by Christmas, ergo we must bomb Tehran.

*"Not-Yet-Murdered" - A snappy phrase meaning "Civilians", as coined by Professor Norman Geras, 2008.

From the annals of Decency - "
Will an Iraq war make our Al Qaeda problem worse? Not likely." - Title of Slate Magazine article by Comrade Hitchens, 5/2/2003

Thursday, 4 December 2008

Two O'Clock Bin-Rake

Labour-Saving Device

Too-Oh-Clawk-Binn-Rayk

1)
Of a sexist gentleman at Chucking-Out Time, one last stagger through the detritus of a rapidly-emptying nightclub in search of a friendly female of dubious virtue, for immoral purposes.

Much-beloved tactic of the thirsty gentleman who wishes to economise on charm, to leave more time for drinking.

2) Of a lazy Decent journalist with an imminent Deadline, one last stagger to one's computer to type the words Terrorism and Root Causes into Google News, in search of Some Guy With a Website one can use as an excuse to knock-off a half-assed article about relativism, for financial purposes.

Much-beloved tactic of the Decent gentleman who wishes to economise on effort, to leave more time for drinking.

From the Annals of Decency - " 'Anti-Americanism' is a transparent slur that libels and subverts the best of American freedom. It is a propaganda insult that is as contaminated as 'terrorist'. Right-wingers... use it shamelessly to suggest that those who are not happy with their abysmal status-quo are the moral equivalents of blood-drenched murderers." Nasty Nick Cohen, 14/1/02

Explanatism

Rhetoric

Eck-Splah-Nah-Tizz-Zum

(Of a bien-pensant liberal elitist, upon being informed of an atrocity, animosity or bellicosity)


1) Any spoken or written statement that does not exclusively restrict itself to furious demands for the public flogging, flaying and beheading of all terrorists, their sympathisers and useful idiots in the west, or -

2) Any spoken or written statement that does not exclusively restrict itself to furious condemnation of terrorist ideology, its sympathisers and useful idiots in the west, followed by calls for their public flogging, flaying and beheading.

Relativist epidemic of quibbling and excuse-making for fascism on The Left, as diagnosed by David Aaronovitch following a quick Two O'Clock Bin-Rake, thus obviating any need to refrain from mounting one's high horse and acting the dick.

Terrorists Are Bad,
to the power of ten.

n.b. Not to be confused with the act of mbunderstanding - a coterminous neologism coined by Professor Norman Geras following a heavy afternoon on the cooking sherry.

Plucked From The Annals Of Decency - "The notion that Saddam's removal will of necessity lead to chaos or the election of an unstable Islamist government is worthy of Henry Kissinger at his most cynical. It is pretty disgusting in the mouths of "left wingers" . " - Dangerous David Aaronovitch, 2/2/03

Monday, 13 October 2008

Scottish National Party

Yet Another Notch Upon The Whittled Bedpost Of British Political Appeasement

Skaw-Tish Nah-Shun-Null Parr-Tay

Despicable fifth-columnists funding fascist activities, thus plunging the number of British political parties not directly involved in the promotion of terrorism and genocide to a figure that is now perilously close to "zero".

Disgusting Caledonian political organisation duplicitously exploiting misguided working class discontent with the honest, rough-hewn sons of toil in the Labour Party to sow hatred, fear and psychotic rampages of blood-curdling horror.*

Racist useful idiots whose recent electoral success north of the border is evidence of their mendacious, scheming nature and... Well, why the hell not - their incipient totalitarian ideology, probably.

Any perceived causal relationship between recent SNP electoral success and recent, Decent condemnation is entirely coincidental and any suggestion to the contrary is, in itself, fundamentally unserious.

*Disambiguation - Not to be confused with the British National Party, who are a pack of racist, thuggish fascists duplicitously exploiting entirely justified working class discontent with the chardonnay-swilling, middle class liberal elitists of the Academic/Media Complex to sow dissent, hatred and psychotic rampages of blood-curdling horror.

Source - SNP Direct Public Money to Hamas Front

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

"It's Our Generation's Spanish Civil War"
Guest post by Jerry Gorgon, Canadian Decent Front

You know, furious anti-war leftists often stop me in the street and say Jerry, don't you think we should just leave Afghanistan and cheer the Taliban on as they embark on a genocidal rampage of blood-curdling horror?

I just laugh and say Of course not, for the Afghan campaign is this generation's Spanish Civil War, and I shall follow in the footsteps of great leftists like George Orwell by sitting in my study denouncing everyone who says otherwise.

It's usually at this point that they say something like Wait a minute, Orwell didn't do that. He joined a Republican militia, fought in engagements and got shot in the throat, and Why are you rattling on about the Spanish War as if you were some kind of eight-foot tall killing machine, rather than a slightly tweedy dork with a website?

I see that as the very epitome of leftist unseriousness, and I always make a point of saying Why? Because SHUT UP, that's why.

Despite this unreasoning and maniacal aggression, it remains vital that we complete our mission and defeat the Taliban. The fate of the Afghan people is in our hands, and we must stand by them in their hour of need. Failure is not an option.

Afghanistan is every bit as much like the Spanish Civil War as the invasion of Iraq was like World War II; so was the Israel/Lebanon war. It's as similar to the war in Spain as Russia vs. Georgia is to the appeasement of Hitler in 1938, i.e. practically identical.

Of course, one can always count on the defeatists and idiots of the anti-war left to come up with stupid objections. There are no end of fools pointing to the generals and military advisors who say they can't win without more troops, more materiel and more money... As if troops, tanks, helicopters, planes, guns, bombs and money were the most important thing in a war!

We shouldn't be distracted by such waffle. The most important thing is that we win - everything else is a secondary consideration, and no amount of complaining about how there aren't enough soldiers to beat the fascist Taliban changes that.

That's why I draw this astute comparison to the Spanish Civil War. Victory in Afghanistan is vital for the future of democracy in the region, and just as in Spain, it is imperative that other people do their part for the Afghan people.

Thank you.

Georgia

In the Forefront of the Fight Against Fascism

Jorr-Jah

1.
Defenceless democracy scurrilously invaded and occupied by the fascist Russians.

Laughably described by the Guardian conspiracy theorist Seumas Milne as being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit, to the general outrage and horror of Decents, who can recognise centuries-old anti-semitic tropes when they see them.

Source: That Milne Bloke Is Teh Fashizzle, Harry's Place, 14th August

2. Defenceless democracy scurrilously invaded and occupied by the fascist Russians.

Perceptively described by diagram-doodling deep thinker Marko Attilla Hoare as being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit, to the general approval and agreement of Decents, who can recognise incisive and serious analyses when they see them.

Source: Those Russian Blokes Are Teh Fashizzle, Harry's Place, 20th August

Any insinuations that Georgia is being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit is therefore borderline satire, exposing the ridiculous unseriousness of the Left, unless it isn't, in which case it's not.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Case Law


Proceedings of the Court of Decency

Session 2008/09 CoD 22

Reality vs. Hitchens

Virtually an open and shut case, Reality vs. Hitchens is in fact the textbook example of the Conficamus (lit. "Fuck - It") principle in Decent Law.

The case hinged upon the following statement, published by the defendant Christopher Hitchens in defence of a certain ongoing military disaster ostentatiously supported by him -

"Surely it is those who opposed every step of this emancipation, rather than those who advocated it, who should be asked to explain and justify themselves."

Justice Geras, presiding, made short work of his verdict -

"There are things (those contending the statement) could say - he must know that. I mean, honest things, reasonable things. But so many of those who opposed the Iraq war have given voice, and for so much of the time, to the denial that there could have been any good reasons on the other side that his drawing attention to good news is very much to the point."

Analysis - Justice Geras does not mince words - in his judgement that "(Hitchens) must know that (there are honest and reasonable responses)" he clearly acknowledges that the defendant Hitchens is legally Plenus Stercoris (Lit. "Full of - shit").

Justice Geras then deftly dismisses the defendant's transgression by noting that, since some nasty people have previously called him (Geras) some unpleasant names, the Conficamus principle is invoked - the defendant's contention must therefore be utterly valid. All charges are summarily dismissed with no case to answer, all costs to be paid by Reality.

Interestingly this is, by this court reporter's estimation, roughly the 14,732nd occasion on which the defendant Hitchens has been found to be legally Plenus Stercoris, and the 14,284th time that a Decent Judge has dismissed all charges with a declaration of Conficamus.

n.b. Please note that Justice Geras' reference to "Good news" should not be taken to imply the existence of any actual, meaningful "Good news". In this instance, the "news" is "good" in the same sense that stepping in a large, fresh dog egg with a penny in it is "Good news" - your shoe is still covered in dog dirt, and what precisely are you going to do with a penny?

Full text of the judgement here.

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Nando's

Restaurant of the Righteous

Nahn-Doze

Eatery of choice for the rough-hewn, good-hearted working classes, Nando's provides fine Portuguese provender to the honest, hard-working Plebian and affords the enterprising corporate lawyer the opportunity to marinade his Decent bona fides in the spicy Peri-Peri sauce of the proletariat.

The authentic, modest fodder of Nando's is shunned and derided by the Waitrose-shopping liberal relativist in elitist acts of open contempt for the common man. For the average Decent, a visit to Nando's is an occasion for passionate self-congrulation, often prompting fulsome circle-jerks of the utmost ferocity, as if one had just finished a shift down a fucking coal mine.

External sources: Whistle While You Wank, Harry's Place.

Friday, 8 August 2008

The Surge


Secular Miracle


1. And lo, it came to pass that Babylon was accursed with plagues, and the rivers did foam with blood; and there was drought, for the Water floweth not from the Taps of men, nor did the Power that is Electric light their tents.

2. And men were as beasts, and brother slew brother even unto the last Sunnite and the last Shi'ite, and there was a great Cleansing of Ethnics and Drilling of Heads, and mighty were the Bombings of Cars and the Missiles of Cruise that smote Babylon.

3. And the Gerasites and the Hitchenites looked upon Babylon and saw that it was not Good, and grew displeased, saying, Bugger, This Maketh Us Look Pretty Bad.

4. And, Let Us Blameth It All On The Head-Choppers And The Fascites And The Ba'athites, For They Are A Jolly Unpleasant Lot, and they did demand, Will You Condemn The Fascites And The Ba'athites?

5. Oh, Well, In That Case, Will You Condemn The Ahmadinejites? What About The Hamasites, Will You Condemn The Hamasites?

6. And so on.

7. And on.

8. And there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth, and the Condemnations of the Gerasites and the Hitchenites were Legion.

9. And when they did finally remember the plagues of the Babylonites, the Gerasites and Hitchenites offered up their prayers to the LORD, crying Oh Great One, Wilt Thou Not Do Something, Anything, and loud were their lamentations and the Pity that is Self.

10. And lo, the LORD looked upon them and sayeth, Now Shalt Begin The Great SURGE Of Freedom, and, I Now Send Unto Thee a Saviour, Who Is Called David Of Petraeus

11. And David Of Petraeus walked among the Babylonites and did giveth unto the Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites thirty pieces of silver, saying Here, Taketh This Cash And Quitteth With The Chopping of Heads And The Bombing Of Cars.

12. And unto them David Of Petraeus sayeth, I Am Just Off For A Lie Down In My Fortified Tent, It Would Be Great If Thou Lot Couldst Keep The Babylonites Quiet Until After The GLORIOUS APPEARING Of John Of McCain On The White House Lawn, If Thou Knowest What I Am Saying.

13. Nudge, Nudge.

14. And Thrice Nudge.

15. And the Head-Choppers and the Fascites and the Ba'athites rejoiced, and they took the thirty pieces of silver and gave them unto the Ahmadinejites and said, Giveth Us Some Of Those Slings That Are Automatic And Those Arrows That Are Piercing of Armour, For We Shalt Have Need Of Them Once David Of Petraeus Hath Sodded Off.

16. And it came to pass that the streets of Babylon were quietened a bit, although not that much.

17. And still the water did not flow, nor did the Power that is Electric light the tents of the Babylonites, and great was their fear of the Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites.

18. And the Gerasites and Hitchenites looked upon Babylon and saw that it was Good, and said, God Bless The SURGE!

19. And, God Bless the Head-Choppers and the Fascites and The Ba'athites, For They Hath Brought Peace To Babylon And Restored Our Faith.

20. And, Oh, Did We Sayeth Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites? Verily, We Meant "Democrats".

21. Yea, We Distinctly Remember Saying "Democrats".

22. And so it came to pass that the SURGE did WORK, and there was great rejoicing and loud were the Hosannas and the hearts of men were gladdened, and there was much mounting of the Horse that is High.

23. And the Babylonites did say, Why Are These Mentalites In Charge, and, Where's All This Freedom the LORD promised us, and, Hello, and, Is Anybody Listening?

24. And lo, nobody was.

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Administrative Notes 7


To The Barricades, Comrades - A Rallying Cry In Defence of
Harry's Place

Arise, muscular liberals, for the enemy is at the gates in the form of Mohammed Sawalha, President of the British Muslim Initiative and his dastardly legal threats against Harry's Place.

Having been caught red-handed promulgating anti-semitic smears, this supporter of and fund-raiser for Hamas has launched a doomed legal action against that esteemed internet outlet for its reporting of quotes attributed to him by an entirely separate website in an attempt to intimidate the near-defenceless corporate lawyer David T. into silence.

These bullying tactics are a disgusting abuse of the legal process and English defamation laws, which should be reserved for only the most serious breaches, such as those occurring when Guardian writer David Edgar points out that Nick Cohen is full of shit or Some Guy With a Website says something nasty about Oliver Kamm.

Rest assured that this chilling suit is merely the tip of the iceberg. If Harry's Place is silenced for reporting the truth and backing it up with solid evidence, then the era of the Will-You-Condemn-a-Thon is officially over and, with it, muscular liberalism itself.

A movement which bases its worldview upon quotes ripped out of context, wild and highly defamatory speculation over the motives of its enemies, dubious anecdotes, Decent Telepathy, viscious two-minute hates and baseless, hysterical accusations of proto-fascism will surely shrivel up and die the instant it is dragged under the microscope of the judicial process.

Just think - all that good work poured into dissecting Ken Livingstone's public statements and extrapolating near-Hitlerian levels of fascism... Gone in a firestorm of white-hot litigation!

Those extended hate-harshes against academic unions attempting to boycott Israel, and all of those maniacal insinuations about their outright jew-hatred... Blasted into smithereens by bewigged legal assassins!

Those countless celebrities, columnists, politicians, journalists, writers, thinkers, film-makers, bloggers, broadcasters, and religious figures constantly depicted as jack-booted fascists, hankering ravenously to devour democracy itself... Why, any one of them could stand up and insist that any and all muscular liberals take full legal responsibility for their actions.

Unthinkable! If I choose to defame a minor public figure as a genocidal fascist with exterminationist tendencies who propagandises for terrorists, then it's up to that person to refute my arguments, and also the mendacious counter-arguments I'll deploy ad infinitum thereafter.

So I urge all of you to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Harry's Place on this issue. Remember, these are the same courts that refused to find against George Galloway, on the pitiful grounds that his accusers couldn't produce any reliable evidence against him.

Liberty, if it means anything, is the right to disparage whoever one likes in a consequence-free environment, and that applies just as much to known anti-semitic scum like Sawalha as it does to thousands of random political opponents we don't like.

Saturday, 7 June 2008

Failed State

Country In Chaos

Fayld Stayt

1.
A State which has failed to elect a government sufficiently congenial to the foreign policy aims of the Republicans and/or Israel, and requires an intervention to adjust the population's attitude.

2. A State which will not be receiving a Christmas card from the League of Democracies this year.

3. Slanderous term used to describe Iraq, a nation where an intervention has granted the population the freedom to decide whether they are tortured to death by the Republicans or the fascists, and the people give daily thanks that they do not live in Alternative Iraq.

Saturday, 12 April 2008

Updated - George Orwell


Historical Figure
(1903-1950)

Novelist, political commentator and Patron Saint of Decency, George Orwell's ideas form the basis of modern Muscular Liberalism.

While he garners much respect for having physically confronted fascism by enlisting to fight in the Spanish Civil War, he is particularly lionised by Muscular Liberals for his political writings.

His most important and relevant works heap derision upon elitist Hampstead liberals and the Ivory Tower intelligentsia, rigorously refuting and ridiculing their moral relativism and liberal guilt.

Orwell was also the celebrated author of works on linguistic accuracy in political speech, inspiring Decents to eschew all forms of propaganda and weasel words when arguing.

His influence upon Decency cannot be overstated, and all over Britain hundreds of committed Muscular Liberals dedicate themselves to ensuring that his vision becomes reality.


An Anatomy of Decency - How Orwell's Vision Was Realised




Problematically, however, historians tend to gloss over Orwell's psychotic hatred of elephants, which he hunted and executed by the thousand, gunning them down without mercy while laughing in celebration.


Selected Bibliography

Homage To Catalonia - Entertaining knock-about larks in Spain, in which the author comes to realise that physically fighting fascists in wars should be secondary to penning venomous screeds denouncing The Left.

Notes On Nationalism - Fiery polemic dissecting the tendency of useful idiots to don ideological blinkers that prevent them from perceiving politically inconvenient facts, leading to the acceptance of irrational, illogical and highly partisan beliefs, like a gaggle of unstoppably dense football supporters.

Animal Farm - Cautionary tale describing how the Far Left became everything it once despised by allying itself with its former foes, rather than working democratically with Man to incrimentally advance the cause of Animalkind.

Politics And The English Language - Masterclass in the art of Decent discourse.

1984 - Novel exploring the use of euphemism and selective memory as a tool of control. Required reading for Muscular Liberals.


External sources: Politics and the English Language by George Orwell, British Writer Sought After Elephant-Shooting Spree, Guardian Online

Monday, 7 April 2008

(Cough, Cough, Mumble)

Rhetorical Ploy

Koff-Koff Mumm-bal

The intermediate stage in the typical tripartite Decent foreign policy initiative, book-ended by the initial confrontation of fascism and the final democratisation of tyrannies endgame, leading to yet another giant forward step in the march of liberty. (See also, magical ponies.)

Worryingly flimsy rhetorical plywood bridging the yawning chasm that separates the moral imperative from the positive policy outcome.

"Friends, it is vital to the future of peace in the region that we support the Iraqi Trade Unions, while glossing over their continued opposition to the American occupation. We must continue to show solidarity with their cause until... (Cough, Cough, Mumble) ... at which point the Iraqi people will finally defeat Islamist obscurantism and tyranny."

(Cheers, cries of "Hooray for democracy!")

"Indeed, I say to you that now is also the time to stand up to the tyrants of the Chinese Communist Party!"

(Wild applause, Hoo-ah!s)

"And not only that, but all nations must boycott the forthcoming Beijing Olympic Games, thus forcing the Chinese authorities to... (Cough, Mumble, Cough) ... a free Tibet and a democratic China! Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"

(Hysteria, palpatations, speaking in tongues)

Alternatively, the Jurassic Park Fallacy, after the laughable 1990 Michael Crichton novel and subsequent film, in which idealistic scientists somehow manage to create viable dinosaurs from some DNA and some damn fresh air.

Administrative Notes 6

Improve Your Argumentative Abilities With This Free Special Edition EoD "Condemnittm" Office Assistant

As a special, one-time-only offer, Encyclopedia readers can now claim this free office assistant for their home computers.

If you struggle to maintain the blazing hostility needed to dish out daily denunciations, Condemnittm will tone up your weak and equivocal tone into furious, fiery and bellicose blasts of bitchy rhetorical bombast.

Condemnittm contains a state-of-the-art Grudge-O-Matictm database, including a comprehensive list of all historical atrocities, animosities, injustices and bellicosities; back-stabbings, land-grabbings, annexations, conflagrations and devastations; all partitions and seditions; bombings, lootings, beatings, shootings, meetings, murders and disputings; Theocracies, hypocrisies and apostasies; Haters, fools, dictators, tools, traitors, race-baiters and reds...

In fact, if it's pissed off somebody, somewhere, Condemnittm has it, ready and waiting to be crow-barred into the discussion or needlessly thrown in the faces of total strangers!

Don't delay - get your Condemnittm Office Assistant today.

"I wouldn't be where I am today without my Condemnittm Office Assistant - truly, a vital tool in dealing with the lugubrious moral idiocies of the modern apologist." - C. Hitchens, writer.

Monday, 31 March 2008

It's No Longer Left vs. Right, But Pro-Western vs. Anti Western

Guest Post By Barry Agricola Coccyx

The distinction between the "Left" and the "Right" right in global politics today is increasingly redundant. The dialectic has given rise to and been superceded by a new dialectic: Pro-Western vs. Anti-Western.

As this new paradigm has arisen, it has become apparent that the Pro-Western factions (or The Goodies, if you will) believe in free markets, the welfare state and liberal democracy, while the Anti-Western movements (let us say, The Baddies) put their faith in sociopathic hatred, mindless violence and psychotic outbursts of bloodcurdling horror.

To appreciate the magnitude of this tectonic upheaval in global politics, one must look back to the dominant political consensus of the Cold War era, when Left and Right moved in two distinct orbits but could put aside their differences and come together in the interests of liberal democracy if so required.

The Cold War Spectrum



With the collapse of the Soviet Union, however, political thought has bashed itself inside out and disappeared up its own fundamentals, and now a coalition of Blairites, former Cold War liberals and Neoconservatives (or Us, if that would be easier) find themselves on the frontlines of a battle for the democratic future of the human species.

A significant portion of the former "Left", however, found itself with no outlet for their anti-democratic impulses, and soon found willing partners in fascist, anti-democratic movements. This motley crew of Islamists, Stalinists and nasty Tories (Them seems apt) squat at the opposite end of the new political spectrum, where their ferocious hatred burns remorseless in the eternal night of their fat, black totalitarian hearts.

The Modern Political Landscape



At first glance, this political labyrinth is a minefield of pitfalls and mantraps, but with the correct ideological maps, torches and crampons it is possible to safely navigate its swift, often treacherous waters.

What cleaves the mere Pro-Western left (Our political allies, if you will) from Muscular Liberalism (Me and my mates) who stand steadfast in the face of this looming menace is the willingness to intervene militarily to protect our values. This "Bright line" neatly demarcates the Muscular Liberal from the merely tepid Pro-Westerner in the new political landscape, and is depicted on the right.

It is only when all of these elements are combined that we can begin to make sense of the threat we face, and the proper position of Decency in this era-defining existential struggle for humanity.

The Muscular Liberal In a Post-Left World


I think it is clear where the Muscular Liberal stands in this fight - proud, upright and unafraid to raise his head, spit in the eye of the enemy and say I will not be beaten, sucked in or jerked around by Fascists!

Our faith in liberal democracy is a mighty weapon, and we must use it to draw a line in the sand against anti-liberal religious chauvanists. The hand of fate has fallen into our laps, and we refuse to spend the Greatest Intellectual Struggle of Our Time tucked out of sight or stuck in the rear.

Thank you for your time.

Saturday, 15 March 2008

Tibet

Nation

Tih-Bett

Oppressed, occupied Asian nation whose mere existence is evidence of the righteousness of Decency and the spectacular villainy of Anti-Imperialism.

Political football repeatedly blasted into an open goal by gaggles of Muscular Liberals stating that no useful idiot has ever, in the history of political discourse, raised any objection to the Chinese repression of the Tibetan people.*

The ultimate whatabout, effortlessly annihilating all ideological foes, Tibet is the cruise missile of political discussion, laying waste to all suspicious arguments leaving the Muscular Liberal standing alone at the very summit of the moral high-ground.

*Unlike Decents, who can rarely be prevailed upon to stop discussing the plight of the Tibetan people and engaging in political activism to ameliorate their condition.

"I don't expect the Israelis to sit on their hands while rockets are landing on their cities, but after forty years of massive retaliation I don't think missile strikes -"

"Tibet!"


"What?"

"Tibet! Tibet! Tibet!"

"Excuse me? What has that-"

"Tibet! Tibet! Ha ha, no answer for that, eh, stopper? You all saw that - he doesn't care about the suffering of the Tibetan people, but he's obsessed with Israel! Suspicious, the way he singles out the Jews, eh? Why don't you take your racist hatred somewhere else, you disgusting bigot?"

"But I-"

"Shut up, fascist - your agenda has been exposed."

See also WWGD?, Catalogue of Contempt, Will-You-Condemn-A-Thon.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Alternative Iraq

Psychological Construct

Awl-Terr-Nah-Tiv Ih-Rak

Diabolical, imaginary country not liberated by the Republicans, in which the daily horrors and atrocities are so vicious, extreme and barbaric that it makes the real misery of actually existing Iraqis look like a three-ring circus replete with clowns, jolly music and popcorn.

A hellish land existing entirely within a parallel universe, invoked to scold realists and pro-fascists for their maniacal desire to retrospectively subject Alternative Iraqis to hideous, agonising, and entirely fictional deaths for political purposes.

Details are sketchy, but one imagines that Alternative Iraq is a collossal inferno where the inhabitants are chained to ravenous bears and the tabouleh is booby-trapped with spring-loaded jars of pissed-off tarantulas and scorpions.

Further, it seems likely that the football pitches writhe with poisonous asps, the markets throng with troops of sexually enraged baboons and one cannot so much as bend over to pick up a coin in the street without being badly gored in the anus by a disgruntled rhinoceros.

"Given the horrific slaughter that has resulted from the invasion of Iraq, it would seem that it was unwise to trust the Republicans, and that the doctrine of liberal intervention must be subjected to a thoroughgoing and rigorous audit process to determine why it failed."

"You anti-imperialist lefties disgust me, with your blatant, cold-hearted disregard for the lives of Alternative Iraqis. However horribly the fascists, Ba-athists and jihadists have disfigured Iraq, there can be no doubt that it is better than what would have happened if we had not intervened."

Disambiguation - Alternative Iraq should not be confused with Iraq, a land existing in a parallel universe in which fictional Mesopotamian men of peace conduct an entirely non-sectarian conflict against a generalised concept of evil, as embodied by non-Iraqi terrorists, via the endeavours of selfless Republicans and a largely illusory Iraqi Army.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Administrative Notes 5

Excellent news comrades - the latest edition of Democratiya is now available and contains a rich bounty of insightful and inventive writing.

In this issue, criminology lecturer Simon Cottee utilises the full force of his interrogative powers to enthusiastically me-too Decent Dole recipient Andrew Anthony's furious struggle to shout down the left hemisphere of his own brain.

Foreign Secretary David Miliband announces his fervent belief in the vital importance of sucking up to the Democrats in The Democratic Imperative. Sample quote...

"...I know that many of you will have doubts, citing the mistakes we made in Iraq and Afghanistan... And yes, sadly, mistakes were made. My plea is that you don't let your opinion of the trillion-dollar bloodbath we accidentally kick-started in Vietraq prevent you from supporting movements for democracy... by which I mean, saying Yes, Boss and throwing our weight behind whatever hare-brained scheme we're told to support next...

...So, we must resist the argument of the left and right to retreat into a world of realpolitik, and yadda-yadda-yadda, you get the idea - bombs away, freedom and democracy etcetera.

Thank you for your time, enjoy the finger buffet, all major credit cards accepted."


Prof. Andrei S. Markovitz takes time out from detailing the many injustices he suffered as a child at the hands of anti-American Viennese school teachers to remind us that, since Britain is populated almost entirely with Jew-hating fascists, none of us need re-examine the petty resentments, fallacious certitudes and hyper-partisan outrage that constitute Decent discourse.

Student David Zarnett relieves his bulging bladder over a re-examination of Orientalism while firing rhetorical cannonballs at a shrieking, 700-foot tall SaidZilla that threatens to rampage across Europe, crushing empirical analysis and truth with mighty swipes of its relativist paws.

Matthew Omolesky warns that a France which does not immediately accept the wildly popular cult of Muscular Liberalism as its state religion risks sliding into irrelevance, while Pimp-My-Senator Scoopist Robin Simcox reminds us that Terrorists Are Bad before denouncing the stupidity of those so discombobulated by relativism that they can't recognise impending victory in the War On Terror when they see it.

Finally, editor Alan Johnson passes round the begging bowl and offers salt-of-the-earth leftists the fantastic opportunity to send him large sums of money. Hands in pockets, fellow anti-fascists, for this kind of repetitive reshuffling of the same five talking points, ably remixed by a gaggle of po-faced academics, does not come cheap.

And remember the Democratiya motto - Liberty, if it means anything, is the right to tell ones readers what they wish to hear, over and over again.

Sunday, 2 March 2008

Choice

Rhetoric

Choyss

1. Absolute freedom of action and moral agency available to fascists.

2. Absolute freedom of action and moral agency seldom, if ever, available to democrats.

"After the initial terrorist attacks, we had no choice other than to use minimum force to counter the threat."

"Pardon me, General, but it says here you bombed the airport, the petrol stations, the factories, the highways, the supermarkets, shops, bakeries, sea ports... In fact, you appear to have bombed practically everything except for the terrorists themselves."

"Exactly - it was an appalling act of terrorism-by-proxy, for which the terrorists bear ultimate responsibility."

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Health & Safety Regs

Suicide-By-Bureaucracy

Hellthh Ahnd Sayff-Tay Reggz

Foolish and unnecessary red tape employed by liberal relativists to impede the reconstruction of liberated stable democracies.

Silly, legalistic indicators of a culture of risk avoidance, Health & Safety Regs are the Taliban's greatest ally, and the only obstacle preventing courageous Observer journalists from immediately charging out to Helmand province to help out our brave boys, causing them to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.*

*The Decent Observer journalists, not our brave boys.

Case Law

Proceedings of the Court of Decency

Session 2007/08 CoD96 - F.O.I. Request 08/34/2

R. Thomas vs H.M.G.

(Rush transcript - 11.32 27/2/08, Justice Brown presiding)

(Transcript begins)

Justice Brown: "...Turning to our next case, let's see... Ah! That bloody information commissioner, what? Thomas, isn't it? Still banging on about that Iraq nonsense I see... Oh well, I suppose we might as well just bash through it, make it look good..."

"...So, you want the transcript of the pre-war cabinet meetings released. Ho ho, you never give up, you nasty little terrier you... Let's see... 'The decision to take military action against another state is so important that accountability... etcetera etcetera, public interest and so on and so forth...'"

Well, this looks an open and shut case to me, Thomas old boy. You've clearly failed to understand how British democracy works, eh? See, in Britain, what we do is elect a party to represent our interests - that party elects a leader, and that leader is then free to do whatever he sees fit, without having to answer a lot of impertinent questions from jumped-up quill-pushers such as yourself."

"Indeed, I see a further difficulty here - this 'transparency and accountability' malarkey sets a jolly bad precedent. If we start auditing government decision making, that'll hardly encourage them to be more open about their true intentions in future, will it?"

Thomas: "I object your honour, I - (Inaudible) - in the interests of full public disclosure - (Inaudible, "public trust", "governance", some such nonsense)

JB: "Yes, that's all well and good, Thomas, but what if ministers were unable to get their story straight in private before presenting a pack of half-truths, exaggerations and outright lies to the public? If Johnny Taxpayer is going to stick his oafish nose into every cabinet meeting, it carries a real risk that ministers will be less open and transparent when preparing to mislead the public over future foreign policy disasters."

Thomas: (Inaudible, 'pre-emptive' this, 'war of choice' that, 'misleading the electorate' etc. etc... i.e. much the same prating foolishness as before)

JB: "Overruled, Thomas, you contemptible little scrote. What's all this about 'Pre-emptive war', then? Surely that's the whole point, you clot. One goes to the great trouble of shooting first precisely so that one can ask questions later, or preferably never... I'm satisfied that this will all come out in the fullness of time, by which point everyone will have forgotten what the problem was, and there'll be no unpleasant prosecutions - case dismissed."

"Now you, Thomas, Information Commissioner or not - I'm of good mind to fine you for wasting the court's time this morning, you meddlesome little turd. What's your interest in overturning the basics of British governance, eh? For let us not forget that Liberty, If It Means Anything, Is The Right To Elect a Prime Minister Then Slavishly Obey His Whims Without Getting Ideas Above Our Station, eh?"

"Get out of my sight, you despicable oaf... Now, what's next... What? Lunchtime already? Good show, I'm ruddy starving, and I've got the Common Man vs. the Liberal Intelligentsia to do first thing tomorrow morning..."

(Transcript ends)

Full text of written judgement

Friday, 15 February 2008

Comedy


TBC

Koh-Meh-Day

1. Unserious pandering to the infantile prejudices of ivory tower dwelling bien pensants by a light entertainer, in which the politics overwhelms the humour.

Smug, self-righteous moral and intellectual idiocy dressed up as the very apex of rib-tickling ribaldry.

2. Obsessive and suspicious activity indulged in by wankers.

3. Devastatingly witty response to any mildly political or military occurance, in which one imitates the tone of one's political enemies for chucklesome satirical effect.

"I see that there have been extensive blackouts in Tehran today, with some speculating that the elderly power grid cannot maintain supply to all parts of the city due to a lack of maintenance. Some are asking whether external actors may have played a part... Take it from the top, boys!"

"It has to have been the ZioCon Crusaderz LOL!!!!"

Small man with miniature drumkit - "Ba-Doom, Tish!"

"Ha ha, no, it was the JOOOOOOOOS using their mystical powers, ha ha ha ha OMFG!!!1!!1!"

Fat man with duck whistle - "OOOOoooooOOOOO!"

"Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ROTFLMAO!!!!!!"

"No, no, I've got it now, it was an eight-foot tall uberrace of NeoKKKon space-lizards who zapped Tehran's electricity networks with gamma rays and lazer beams from an orbital network of Hebraic satellite lazers!"

(Silence, Tumbleweeds)

"You've taken that too far, Oliver."

See also Well-Funded, WWGD?

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Higher Standards

Rhetorical Ploy

Hy-Yer Stahn-Darrdz

Craftly rhetorical wriggle for excusing the departures from universal principles of nations basking in the warm glow of Decent affections.

The same standards.

Legal restrictions requiring nations to minimise civilian casualties while Al-Qaedifying cities in acts of self-defence, which theoretically apply to democrats, sometimes.

Exculpatory gambit used to cast suspicion upon the motives of any person with the audacity to suggest that civilised nations should not bomb heavily populated urban areas, even if terrorists are bad.

"The massive bombardment of Beirut's most heavily populated areas and the deliberate destruction of civilian infrastructure including roads, shops, petrol stations, factories, ports and airport runways, amongst many others, were clear violations of international laws and war crimes."

"How ridiculous - I object to your obsessive singling-out of Israel. Why should this one, tiny state be held to higher standards than everybody else?"

Monday, 11 February 2008

Some Guy With a Website

Fountain of Knowledge/Vanguard of Fascism

Sum Gye With Ah Wehb-Syte

1. An invaluable source of information, Some Guy With a Website provides insight and expertise into the technical specifications of military hardware, the velocities and trajectories of countless projectile weapons, the history of printing and fonts on typewriters and computers, sunlight and shadow in digital and film photography, editing technology, political history and gossip, amongst many other subjects, all of which is put to good use proving that the armed forces of Civilised nations have never, at any point, killed or injured anyone.

2. As above, but put to good use proving that the Academic/Media Complex and Humanitarian NGOs act in malign confederacy against Democrats to blacken their names with a daily litany of false accusations about the legitimate security operations of western nations.

3. An arch-propagandist with a suspicious, obsessive urge to post daily stories portraying an ethnic or religious minority as a dire threat to the life of the nation. Some Guy With a Website viciously and repeatedly insists that said minority bears responsibility for most of the world's problems, before inviting his readers to indulge in a prolonged hate session. The mere existence of such a Guy With a Website is evidence of the neverending corruption and perfidy of The Left.

"Hey, did you hear that Some Guy With a Website has run those Reuters photos through his algorithmic transmogriphicationaliser, and it turns out it was all the Palestinians' fault?"

"Wow, I always thought that looked suspicious. Hey, look - Some Guy With a Website says that the Americans are trying to flog the Iraqis' natural resources to their business associates at super-bonanza knock-down prices!"

"What nonsense - this is evidence of the lunacy, irrelevance and derangement of the Left."

See also Decent Taxi, Decent TARDIS.

Sunday, 10 February 2008

Nothing

Rhetorical Ploy

Nuh-Thing

The preferred foreign policy choice of pointy-headed liberal academics, who would far rather sneer in disdain at the victims of tyranny than support an intervention.

Doing nothing is the knee-jerk response to tyranny of those who lack the basic humanity to back massive aerial bombing campaigns to liberate the oppressed, the interminable occupation of their country and the selling of their natural resources to ones business associates at super-bonanza knock-down prices.

"Why are you so determined to extend Saddam's reign of terror? 600,000 Rwandans died because people like you did nothing."

Muscular Taxonomy

Know Your Decency

A Regular Series

#2 The Adumbrator

An intellect of near-galactic proportions, The Adumbrator is charged with the intellectual heavy lifting of Decentism, focusing the vast power of his remarkable mind upon the threat of modern Horrorism.

Through the use of Thought Experiments, The Adumbrator explores the motivations and manifestations of Atrocitivistic Nihilism, in the context of the impending British Jihadalanche. With only the occasional aside to inform the public of the countless dusky maidens he has selflessly penetrated, he ponders the great unaskable questions of the modern age, such as Have Women Become Too Uppity To Outbreed The Heathen? and There, That's Ten Thousand Words, Will That Do?

"There is a definite urge - don't you have it? - to say 'The Muslim community will have to suffer until it gets its house in order.' What sort of suffering? Chinese burns and wedgies... The infliction of dead arms, further down the road... The flushing of heads down the sixth-form's toilets, until it hurts the whole community and they start bogwashing their children... And if that doesn't work, perhaps a program of sterilisation." - From The Great, Big, Bumper Book Of Adumbration, Vol. II

Friday, 1 February 2008

Serious

Euphemism

See-Ree-Yuss

Polite term indicative of a person undergoing a spectacularly extroverted mid-life crisis, which manifests itself in ferocious demands for respect and acceptance, with sundry other quirks.

Generally occurring in men aged 35-60 who have experienced an epiphany, an outbreak of Seriousness often causes embarrassing, bellicose rants, the adoption of bizarre mental and verbal tics and a deranged desire to cruise up and down the streets of the middle east showing off one's brand-new F-22 Raptor to young ladies.

Following a period of self-examination, the Serious often concocts a strange and alarming fantasy world and can lash out violently at those who intrude into his inner psychodrama. The condition can fatally damage the Serious's personal life and career, as the extroverted nature of the disorder leads him to seek wide publicity for his new-found certainties, not unlike a slightly slow toddler proudly showing a dinner guest his whiffy, full-up potty.

Thankfully, men afflicted with all but the most acute Seriousness can overcome the condition by podgering their secretary, or by purchasing a high-powered motorcycle and driving it into a stationary vehicle at seventy miles-per-hour.

Some, however, will never shake the condition and are condemned to a life of Seriousness.

"There's no doubt about it - Martin Amis is one of Britain's most Serious authors."

See also Unserious.

*Are you afflicted with Seriousness? Would you like to meet fellow sufferers and discuss your condition? Perhaps a family member has become Serious, and you would like to find out more. If so, visit the support group's website and please - give generously.

Rhetorical Inflation

Argumentative Gambit

Reh-Taw-Rick-Kal Inn-Flay-Shun

Despicable tactic employed by self-hating liberal relativists and Humanitarian NGOs, whereby the severity of an event, policy or group of people are exaggerated beyond all recognition for political purposes.

Commonly used when discussing the Departures From Universal Principles of civilised nations, this ploy is used to inculcate fear and outrage in the audience, rendering them pliable and accepting of extreme views.

Unfortunately, this tactic plays right into the hands goose-stepping Islamist fascists, who love nothing more than settling down in front of the television with nibbles to laugh in celebration at such foolishness. In propagandising for the vanguard of modern Nazism, thus do the bruschetta-munching useful idiots lay the ground work for a billion-strong army of Islamic stormtroopers to enslave the entire planet under the thousand-year rule of a totalitarian Caliphate.

Amnesty International Spokesman - "By suspending the right of prisoners to hear evidence presented against them, the American government is fatally undermining its own moral authority and damaging its ability to pressurise authoritarian states for their human rights violations."

Bearded Jihadists - "Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Pass the Doritos, Hassan, for tonight we dine upon the spicy salsa of enlightenment values!"