The Surge

Secular Miracle


1. And lo, it came to pass that Babylon was accursed with plagues, and the rivers did foam with blood; and there was drought, for the Water floweth not from the Taps of men, nor did the Power that is Electric light their tents.

2. And men were as beasts, and brother slew brother even unto the last Sunnite and the last Shi'ite, and there was a great Cleansing of Ethnics and Drilling of Heads, and mighty were the Bombings of Cars and the Missiles of Cruise that smote Babylon.

3. And the Gerasites and the Hitchenites looked upon Babylon and saw that it was not Good, and grew displeased, saying, Bugger, This Maketh Us Look Pretty Bad.

4. And, Let Us Blameth It All On The Head-Choppers And The Fascites And The Ba'athites, For They Are A Jolly Unpleasant Lot, and they did demand, Will You Condemn The Fascites And The Ba'athites?

5. Oh, Well, In That Case, Will You Condemn The Ahmadinejites? What About The Hamasites, Will You Condemn The Hamasites?

6. And so on.

7. And on.

8. And there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth, and the Condemnations of the Gerasites and the Hitchenites were Legion.

9. And when they did finally remember the plagues of the Babylonites, the Gerasites and Hitchenites offered up their prayers to the LORD, crying Oh Great One, Wilt Thou Not Do Something, Anything, and loud were their lamentations and the Pity that is Self.

10. And lo, the LORD looked upon them and sayeth, Now Shalt Begin The Great SURGE Of Freedom, and, I Now Send Unto Thee a Saviour, Who Is Called David Of Petraeus

11. And David Of Petraeus walked among the Babylonites and did giveth unto the Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites thirty pieces of silver, saying Here, Taketh This Cash And Quitteth With The Chopping of Heads And The Bombing Of Cars.

12. And unto them David Of Petraeus sayeth, I Am Just Off For A Lie Down In My Fortified Tent, It Would Be Great If Thou Lot Couldst Keep The Babylonites Quiet Until After The GLORIOUS APPEARING Of John Of McCain On The White House Lawn, If Thou Knowest What I Am Saying.

13. Nudge, Nudge.

14. And Thrice Nudge.

15. And the Head-Choppers and the Fascites and the Ba'athites rejoiced, and they took the thirty pieces of silver and gave them unto the Ahmadinejites and said, Giveth Us Some Of Those Slings That Are Automatic And Those Arrows That Are Piercing of Armour, For We Shalt Have Need Of Them Once David Of Petraeus Hath Sodded Off.

16. And it came to pass that the streets of Babylon were quietened a bit, although not that much.

17. And still the water did not flow, nor did the Power that is Electric light the tents of the Babylonites, and great was their fear of the Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites.

18. And the Gerasites and Hitchenites looked upon Babylon and saw that it was Good, and said, God Bless The SURGE!

19. And, God Bless the Head-Choppers and the Fascites and The Ba'athites, For They Hath Brought Peace To Babylon And Restored Our Faith.

20. And, Oh, Did We Sayeth Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites? Verily, We Meant "Democrats".

21. Yea, We Distinctly Remember Saying "Democrats".

22. And so it came to pass that the SURGE did WORK, and there was great rejoicing and loud were the Hosannas and the hearts of men were gladdened, and there was much mounting of the Horse that is High.

23. And the Babylonites did say, Why Are These Mentalites In Charge, and, Where's All This Freedom the LORD promised us, and, Hello, and, Is Anybody Listening?

24. And lo, nobody was.