Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Hellthh Ahnd Sayff-Tay Reggz
Foolish and unnecessary red tape employed by liberal relativists to impede the reconstruction of liberated stable democracies.
Silly, legalistic indicators of a culture of risk avoidance, Health & Safety Regs are the Taliban's greatest ally, and the only obstacle preventing courageous Observer journalists from immediately charging out to Helmand province to help out our brave boys, causing them to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.*
*The Decent Observer journalists, not our brave boys.
Session 2007/08 CoD96 - F.O.I. Request 08/34/2
R. Thomas vs H.M.G.
(Rush transcript - 11.32 27/2/08, Justice Brown presiding)
Justice Brown: "...Turning to our next case, let's see... Ah! That bloody information commissioner, what? Thomas, isn't it? Still banging on about that Iraq nonsense I see... Oh well, I suppose we might as well just bash through it, make it look good..."
"...So, you want the transcript of the pre-war cabinet meetings released. Ho ho, you never give up, you nasty little terrier you... Let's see... 'The decision to take military action against another state is so important that accountability... etcetera etcetera, public interest and so on and so forth...'"
Well, this looks an open and shut case to me, Thomas old boy. You've clearly failed to understand how British democracy works, eh? See, in Britain, what we do is elect a party to represent our interests - that party elects a leader, and that leader is then free to do whatever he sees fit, without having to answer a lot of impertinent questions from jumped-up quill-pushers such as yourself."
"Indeed, I see a further difficulty here - this 'transparency and accountability' malarkey sets a jolly bad precedent. If we start auditing government decision making, that'll hardly encourage them to be more open about their true intentions in future, will it?"
Thomas: "I object your honour, I - (Inaudible) - in the interests of full public disclosure - (Inaudible, "public trust", "governance", some such nonsense)
JB: "Yes, that's all well and good, Thomas, but what if ministers were unable to get their story straight in private before presenting a pack of half-truths, exaggerations and outright lies to the public? If Johnny Taxpayer is going to stick his oafish nose into every cabinet meeting, it carries a real risk that ministers will be less open and transparent when preparing to mislead the public over future foreign policy disasters."
Thomas: (Inaudible, 'pre-emptive' this, 'war of choice' that, 'misleading the electorate' etc. etc... i.e. much the same prating foolishness as before)
JB: "Overruled, Thomas, you contemptible little scrote. What's all this about 'Pre-emptive war', then? Surely that's the whole point, you clot. One goes to the great trouble of shooting first precisely so that one can ask questions later, or preferably never... I'm satisfied that this will all come out in the fullness of time, by which point everyone will have forgotten what the problem was, and there'll be no unpleasant prosecutions - case dismissed."
"Now you, Thomas, Information Commissioner or not - I'm of good mind to fine you for wasting the court's time this morning, you meddlesome little turd. What's your interest in overturning the basics of British governance, eh? For let us not forget that Liberty, If It Means Anything, Is The Right To Elect a Prime Minister Then Slavishly Obey His Whims Without Getting Ideas Above Our Station, eh?"
"Get out of my sight, you despicable oaf... Now, what's next... What? Lunchtime already? Good show, I'm ruddy starving, and I've got the Common Man vs. the Liberal Intelligentsia to do first thing tomorrow morning..."
Full text of written judgement
Friday, 15 February 2008
1. Unserious pandering to the infantile prejudices of ivory tower dwelling bien pensants by a light entertainer, in which the politics overwhelms the humour.
Smug, self-righteous moral and intellectual idiocy dressed up as the very apex of rib-tickling ribaldry.
3. Devastatingly witty response to any mildly political or military occurance, in which one imitates the tone of one's political enemies for chucklesome satirical effect.
"I see that there have been extensive blackouts in Tehran today, with some speculating that the elderly power grid cannot maintain supply to all parts of the city due to a lack of maintenance. Some are asking whether external actors may have played a part... Take it from the top, boys!"
"It has to have been the ZioCon Crusaderz LOL!!!!"
Small man with miniature drumkit - "Ba-Doom, Tish!"
"Ha ha, no, it was the JOOOOOOOOS using their mystical powers, ha ha ha ha OMFG!!!1!!1!"
Fat man with duck whistle - "OOOOoooooOOOOO!"
"Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ROTFLMAO!!!!!!"
"No, no, I've got it now, it was an eight-foot tall uberrace of NeoKKKon space-lizards who zapped Tehran's electricity networks with gamma rays and lazer beams from an orbital network of Hebraic satellite lazers!"
"You've taken that too far, Oliver."
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
Craftly rhetorical wriggle for excusing the departures from universal principles of nations basking in the warm glow of Decent affections.
The same standards.
Legal restrictions requiring nations to minimise civilian casualties while Al-Qaedifying cities in acts of self-defence, which theoretically apply to democrats, sometimes.
Exculpatory gambit used to cast suspicion upon the motives of any person with the audacity to suggest that civilised nations should not bomb heavily populated urban areas, even if terrorists are bad.
"The massive bombardment of Beirut's most heavily populated areas and the deliberate destruction of civilian infrastructure including roads, shops, petrol stations, factories, ports and airport runways, amongst many others, were clear violations of international laws and war crimes."
"How ridiculous - I object to your obsessive singling-out of Israel. Why should this one, tiny state be held to higher standards than everybody else?"
Monday, 11 February 2008
Sum Gye With Ah Wehb-Syte
1. An invaluable source of information, Some Guy With a Website provides insight and expertise into the technical specifications of military hardware, the velocities and trajectories of countless projectile weapons, the history of printing and fonts on typewriters and computers, sunlight and shadow in digital and film photography, editing technology, political history and gossip, amongst many other subjects, all of which is put to good use proving that the armed forces of Civilised nations have never, at any point, killed or injured anyone.
2. As above, but put to good use proving that the Academic/Media Complex and Humanitarian NGOs act in malign confederacy against Democrats to blacken their names with a daily litany of false accusations about the legitimate security operations of western nations.
3. An arch-propagandist with a suspicious, obsessive urge to post daily stories portraying an ethnic or religious minority as a dire threat to the life of the nation. Some Guy With a Website viciously and repeatedly insists that said minority bears responsibility for most of the world's problems, before inviting his readers to indulge in a prolonged hate session. The mere existence of such a Guy With a Website is evidence of the neverending corruption and perfidy of The Left.
"Hey, did you hear that Some Guy With a Website has run those Reuters photos through his algorithmic transmogriphicationaliser, and it turns out it was all the Palestinians' fault?"
"Wow, I always thought that looked suspicious. Hey, look - Some Guy With a Website says that the Americans are trying to flog the Iraqis' natural resources to their business associates at super-bonanza knock-down prices!"
"What nonsense - this is evidence of the lunacy, irrelevance and derangement of the Left."
See also Decent Taxi, Decent TARDIS.
Sunday, 10 February 2008
The preferred foreign policy choice of pointy-headed liberal academics, who would far rather sneer in disdain at the victims of tyranny than support an intervention.
Doing nothing is the knee-jerk response to tyranny of those who lack the basic humanity to back massive aerial bombing campaigns to liberate the oppressed, the interminable occupation of their country and the selling of their natural resources to ones business associates at super-bonanza knock-down prices.
"Why are you so determined to extend Saddam's reign of terror? 600,000 Rwandans died because people like you did nothing."
A Regular Series
#2 The Adumbrator
An intellect of near-galactic proportions, The Adumbrator is charged with the intellectual heavy lifting of Decentism, focusing the vast power of his remarkable mind upon the threat of modern Horrorism.
Through the use of Thought Experiments, The Adumbrator explores the motivations and manifestations of Atrocitivistic Nihilism, in the context of the impending British Jihadalanche. With only the occasional aside to inform the public of the countless dusky maidens he has selflessly penetrated, he ponders the great unaskable questions of the modern age, such as Have Women Become Too Uppity To Outbreed The Heathen? and There, That's Ten Thousand Words, Will That Do?
"There is a definite urge - don't you have it? - to say 'The Muslim community will have to suffer until it gets its house in order.' What sort of suffering? Chinese burns and wedgies... The infliction of dead arms, further down the road... The flushing of heads down the sixth-form's toilets, until it hurts the whole community and they start bogwashing their children... And if that doesn't work, perhaps a program of sterilisation." - From The Great, Big, Bumper Book Of Adumbration, Vol. II
Friday, 1 February 2008
Polite term indicative of a person undergoing a spectacularly extroverted mid-life crisis, which manifests itself in ferocious demands for respect and acceptance, with sundry other quirks.
Generally occurring in men aged 35-60 who have experienced an epiphany, an outbreak of Seriousness often causes embarrassing, bellicose rants, the adoption of bizarre mental and verbal tics and a deranged desire to cruise up and down the streets of the middle east showing off one's brand-new F-22 Raptor to young ladies.
Following a period of self-examination, the Serious often concocts a strange and alarming fantasy world and can lash out violently at those who intrude into his inner psychodrama. The condition can fatally damage the Serious's personal life and career, as the extroverted nature of the disorder leads him to seek wide publicity for his new-found certainties, not unlike a slightly slow toddler proudly showing a dinner guest his whiffy, full-up potty.
Thankfully, men afflicted with all but the most acute Seriousness can overcome the condition by podgering their secretary, or by purchasing a high-powered motorcycle and driving it into a stationary vehicle at seventy miles-per-hour.
Some, however, will never shake the condition and are condemned to a life of Seriousness.
"There's no doubt about it - Martin Amis is one of Britain's most Serious authors."
See also Unserious.
*Are you afflicted with Seriousness? Would you like to meet fellow sufferers and discuss your condition? Perhaps a family member has become Serious, and you would like to find out more. If so, visit the support group's website and please - give generously.
Despicable tactic employed by self-hating liberal relativists and Humanitarian NGOs, whereby the severity of an event, policy or group of people are exaggerated beyond all recognition for political purposes.
Commonly used when discussing the Departures From Universal Principles of civilised nations, this ploy is used to inculcate fear and outrage in the audience, rendering them pliable and accepting of extreme views.
Unfortunately, this tactic plays right into the hands goose-stepping Islamist fascists, who love nothing more than settling down in front of the television with nibbles to laugh in celebration at such foolishness. In propagandising for the vanguard of modern Nazism, thus do the bruschetta-munching useful idiots lay the ground work for a billion-strong army of Islamic stormtroopers to enslave the entire planet under the thousand-year rule of a totalitarian Caliphate.
Amnesty International Spokesman - "By suspending the right of prisoners to hear evidence presented against them, the American government is fatally undermining its own moral authority and damaging its ability to pressurise authoritarian states for their human rights violations."
Bearded Jihadists - "Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Pass the Doritos, Hassan, for tonight we dine upon the spicy salsa of enlightenment values!"