Israel Lobby

Actually Existing Imaginary Political Tendency

1. Make-believe intergalactic clan of Hebraic space lizards plotting the domination of Earth through the deployment of satellite lazers, telepathic mind-control and insidious tentacle porn, beloved of black helicopter-fearing, Reptilian-sniffing internet 9/11 Truther mentals.

Despicable, ludicrous fictional conspiracy theory, referred to solely by racists.

2. Actually existing in reality Anglo-American political tendency entirely composed of headbanging right wing fruitcake fucknuts, loudly and openly demanding deranged foreign policy initiatives and military carnage from positions within some of the world's most highly respected universities, political forums and best-selling newspapers.

Entirely unremarkable group of individuals engaged in thoroughly commonplace and humdrum attempts to influence government policy and public opinion through the medium of the popular press and glorified cheese and wine parties, any reference to the existence of which is racist in the extreme.

Updated - The Guardian

Reprehenisble Media Organ

The Garr-Day-Yan

1. Islamist daily newspaper published and purchased by Useful Idiots, The Guardian (See also Al-Grauniad) is the primary source of Suspicious Propaganda, disseminating Racist and Anti-American materials, deliberately and with malice aforethought deletes the names of Israeli Prime Ministers from lists of Nobel Peace Prize Winners, causing Fascists to Laugh In Celebration.

Beloved of Effete Elitists and Bruschetta-munching Hampstead Liberals, The Guardian dribbles its hate-filled bile and Moral Equivalence into the public conciousness like a leaky pisser thrust into the ear of the nation seeks to destroy Israel by intentionally pretending that no Israeli Prime Minsters have ever won the Nobel Peace Prize, thus betraying their deeply ingrained Racist hatred for Israeli Prime Ministers who have won the Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Islamist daily newspaper published and purchased by Useful Idiots that likes to pretend that their horrific, Genocidal omissions from lists of Nobel Prize Winners are data entry mistakes, causing Decents to bang their desks, insist they know lots and lots about data entry and to declare that they know Racist deletions when they see them, and by God, these are Racist deletions.

"I see that the Guardian are trying to pretend that they have merely made a data entry error in an attempt to disguise their naked and blatant malice, their hideous cruelty and their remorseless, ever-throbbing black-hearted yearning for the destruction of Israel".

"Yes, I saw that, and I for one would rather get down on my knees and fellate a bull elephant on national television than allow the Guardian to wriggle away from our entirely non-partisan, semi-psychotic circle-jerk of a Gotcha!".

"I'm sorry, did you just say you'd fellate -"

"A bull elephant, yes".

Sources

Why, This Seems Like An Entirely Sensible Issue Upon Which To Wager a Significant Amount Of Our Website's Credibility, by "Lucy Lips", Harry's Place

We Agree 100% With That Assessment And Are For Some Reason Determined To Stake Large Amounts Of Our Own Credibility Upon This Vital And In-No-Way Hilariously Insane Non-Story, by Jessica Elgot, TheJC.com

I Don't Know What The Decent Left Is, So I Don't Know Any Better, by Tim Collard, Telegraph.co.uk

I'm A Well-Respected And Well-Remunerated Commentator For One Of The World's Foremost Newspapers, Yet I Too Am Keen To Piss a Good Bit Of My Credibility Down The Drain Over This Giant Pile Of Obviously Ridiculous Internet Shite, by Daniel Finkelstein.

I Gather We're All Wagering Our Credibility On Some Idiotic Post At Harry's Place - Count Me In, by Stephen Pollard.

As a Paranoid Lunatic With No Credibility To Lose, I Wholeheartedly Endorse This Ludicrous Propaganda Wheeze, by Melanie Phillips.

This Kind Of Risible Nonsense Is Our Bread And Butter, Jerusalem Post

We Have Wingnut Morons In Canada Too, You Know, by Tom Gross

More reports to follow as this story develops...

See also - Decent Dole.

League Of Democracies

International Crime-Fighting Syndicate

Leeg-Ov-Deh-Maw-Krah-Sayz

Decision-making body composed of Democratic nations whose leaders can be relied upon to be accountable to their citizens, to respect the rule of law and to do what they're bloody-well told.

Notional replacement for the United Nations, theoretically proposed because the existing body has failed to exterminate evil from the universe, the League of Democracies will leap tall buildings and zip around the planet faster than a speeding bullet, fighting for truth, justice and the Republican way.

Admittance to the League would be dependent upon a country's democratic bona fides, its legal system, its human rights record and its willingness to accept international Norms of Decency, which would be considered in-depth before being utterly blown off in favour of a quick America, Yay!/America, Boo! qualification test.

Theoretically brilliant mechanism for annoying the Russians, the Iranians and the Syrians, the League of Democracies allows the most priapic level of moral grandstanding while still being laughably unworkable in practice, making it the quintessentially Decent enterprise.

Georgia

In the Forefront of the Fight Against Fascism

Jorr-Jah

1. Defenceless democracy scurrilously invaded and occupied by the fascist Russians.

Laughably described by the Guardian conspiracy theorist Seumas Milne as being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit, to the general outrage and horror of Decents, who can recognise centuries-old anti-semitic tropes when they see them.

Source: That Milne Bloke Is Teh Fashizzle, Harry's Place, 14th August

2. Defenceless democracy scurrilously invaded and occupied by the fascist Russians.

Perceptively described by diagram-doodling deep thinker Marko Attilla Hoare as being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit, to the general approval and agreement of Decents, who can recognise incisive and serious analyses when they see them.

Source: Those Russian Blokes Are Teh Fashizzle, Harry's Place, 20th August

Any insinuations that Georgia is being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit is therefore borderline satire, exposing the ridiculous unseriousness of the Left, unless it isn't, in which case it's not.

Failed State

Country In Chaos

Fayld Stayt

1. A State which has failed to elect a government sufficiently congenial to the foreign policy aims of the Republicans and/or Israel, and requires an intervention to adjust the population's attitude.

2. A State which will not be receiving a Christmas card from the League of Democracies this year.

3. Slanderous term used to describe Iraq, a nation where an intervention has granted the population the freedom to decide whether they are tortured to death by the Republicans or the fascists, and the people give daily thanks that they do not live in Alternative Iraq.

Comedy

TBC

Koh-Meh-Day

1. Unserious pandering to the infantile prejudices of ivory tower dwelling bien pensants by a light entertainer, in which the politics overwhelms the humour.

Smug, self-righteous moral and intellectual idiocy dressed up as the very apex of rib-tickling ribaldry.

2. Obsessive and suspicious activity indulged in by wankers.

3. Devastatingly witty response to any mildly political or military occurance, in which one imitates the tone of one's political enemies for chucklesome satirical effect.

"I see that there have been extensive blackouts in Tehran today, with some speculating that the elderly power grid cannot maintain supply to all parts of the city due to a lack of maintenance. Some are asking whether external actors may have played a part... Take it from the top, boys!"

"It has to have been the ZioCon Crusaderz LOL!!!!"

Small man with miniature drumkit - "Ba-Doom, Tish!"

"Ha ha, no, it was the JOOOOOOOOS using their mystical powers, ha ha ha ha OMFG!!!1!!1!"

Fat man with duck whistle - "OOOOoooooOOOOO!"

"Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ROTFLMAO!!!!!!"

"No, no, I've got it now, it was an eight-foot tall uberrace of NeoKKKon space-lizards who zapped Tehran's electricity networks with gamma rays and lazer beams from an orbital network of Hebraic satellite lazers!"

(Silence, Tumbleweeds)

"You've taken that too far, Oliver."

See also Well-Funded, WWGD?

Peace Conference

Hope/Suicide of Nations

Pees Con-Feh-Rance

Conciliatory summit at which democrats and fascists come together in the spirit of their shared humanity to thrash out a deal that will be judged fair and equitable by the Republicans.

The Phantom Stopper

Terrifying Supernatural Phenomenon

Tha Fan-Tum Staw-Purr

The disembodied spirit of a deceased fascist, the Phantom Stopper roams the streets of Britain, disorienting Decents with its plaintive, deceptive cries. The Phantom lurks nearby whenever political issues are discussed, howling its ghoulish messages into the night.

Its ghostly exhortations can be heard on dark and stormy evenings, when a fell voice seems to carry upon the wind, insinuating itself into the minds of sensitive Decents with cries of "Ooooo.... Death to the imperialist Amerikkkans.... Ooooo...."

Sudden visitations by the Phantom can cause great confusion to the psychically attuned, as the articulation of simple political concepts seems to distort into bloodcurdling shrieks for genocide and war.

"Well, as I was saying, I think that the more right-wing American politics become, the more counter-productive its foreign policies are."

"That's a good point - the era of Republican dominance has - wait, what's that noise?"

"I can't hear anything."

"I distinctly heard you say 'Oooo, the Zionist entity must be destroyed, Oooo'."

See also Decent Telepathy, Decent TARDIS, Decent Taxi

Waitrose

Supermarket of Sedition

Way-Trows

Effete purveyor of goods and services, Waitrose is the consumer choice of pointy-headed liberal relativists and ivory tower elitists.

Its aisles jammed with expensive beverages and hilariously ethnic foodstuffs, it is here that the chattering classes that constitute the Academic/Media Complex gather to bray their contempt for the working man, before engaging in sordid bottom-based activities and mass golden showers.

Sample shopping list

Brie
Bruschetta
Latte
Anti-Semitic Pizza
Non-Israeli organic olives

Muscular Liberals disdain the fare available at the effeminate retailers, preferring to shop at Aldi with proletarian credibility while shunning all those branded with The Mark of Waitrose.

See also Liberal Dinner Party, What's Left?

Humanitarian NGOs

Courageous Anti-Totalitarians/Despicable Apologists

Hyoo-Mahn-Nit-Tay-Ray-Yun En-Jee-Oze

1. Saintly, virtuous organisations striving to shed the light of truth upon the torture and human rights violations of fascist regimes.

2. Partisan, politicised organisations striving to rhetorically inflate the departures from universal principles of civilised nations.

3. Disgraceful, hatemongering organisations striving to disseminate the fascist propaganda of terrorists.

"I cancelled my membership of Amnesty International when their condemnation of the Americans' network of secret prisons exposed their rank moral equivalence... I then joined Human Rights Watch, but had to withdraw my support after some guy with a website exposed them as pro-fascist anti-semites... these days, the only Humanitarian NGOs I trust are Freedom House and the CIA."

Decent Dole

Noun

Dee-Sint Dohl

Private welfare system that ensures an income to muscular liberals who have become too senile and incoherent to earn a living, as regularly paid by The Guardian and The Observer.

"Did you read Andrew Anthony's piece in The Guardian? God, it was even more deranged and rambling than his last - if it wasn't for the Decent Dole, the poor guy would be forced to blow tramps for loose change."

The Guardian

Reprehensible Media Organ

The Garr-Day-Yan

1. Islamist daily newspaper, published and purchased by useful idiots, The Guardian (also Al-Grauniad) is the primary source of suspicious propaganda, disseminating racist and anti-American materials, causing fascists to laugh in celebration.

Beloved of effete elitists and bruschetta-munching Hampstead liberals, the Guardian dribbles its hate-filled bile and moral equivalence into the public consciousness like a leaky pisser thrust into the ear of the nation, leaving Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

"Did you read that Madeleine Bunting piece in the Grauniad? Why, I've never read such utter nonsense - the paper's slide into irrelevance continues."

2. Islamist daily newspaper, published and purchased by useful idiots, The Guardian is the primary source of the Decent Dole, a private welfare system that guarantees an income for muscular liberals who have slid into senility and incoherence.

"Did you read that Andrew Anthony piece in the Guardian? Why, I've never read such vibrant, witty and relevant writing - the paper's commitment to publishing cutting-edge commentary continues."

Euston Manifesto

A Proclamation of Decency

Yoo-Stun Mah-Nih-Fess-Toh

Declarative document announcing a clean break with the prejudices, hypocrisies and double-standards of the old Left and their replacement by a set of entirely new ones.

Established a movement in favour of democracy, human rights and freedom, and against moral equivalence, the meaning of such terms being defined entirely by the authors and subject to alteration at any time, without prior notification.

The Manifesto specifically stands against racism (i.e. anti-semitism), anti-Americanism (i.e. criticism of the Republicans), terrorism (as defined by the authors) and advocates a new internationalism (see also, bombing).

It stands for free speech and the free exchange of ideas, and also condemns torture and extraordinary rendition by Us as a departure from universal principles.

No attempts to understand Them are permitted, and any deviation from this rule will be met with instantaneous expulsion from the Party.

Additionally, any Decent caught picking over the rubble of Iraq will be harshly dealt with.

See also Nick Cohen, Alan Johnson, Norman Geras

Vietnam

Country

Vee-Yet-Nahm

1. (pre-August 2007) South-East Asian nation with a chequered military history that is of no relevance whatever to any modern conflict.

See also Anti-Totalitarianism by Oliver Kamm, which notes that nothing of any interest to the Left occurred between the appeasement of Hitler in the 1930s and CND's coddling of Russian tyranny in the 1980s.

2. (Post-August 2007) - South-East Asian country in which millions were killed because the USA did not stay the course or commit sufficient resources to a war of attrition.

Unpleasant conflict halted by anti-war protesters and the Media, showing their immense thirst for appeasement and genocide.

3. (As of 26th August 2007) South-East Asian nation declared by Comrade Hitchens to be of no relevance whatever to any modern conflict.

"...as I ask myself not for the first time if Mr Bush suffers from some sort of political death wish, I quickly restate the reasons why he is wrong to join with his most venomous and ignorant critics in making this case (for Vietnam/Iraq comparisons).

1) Hitler.

2) Terrorists Are Bad.

3) The Lessons of History.

4) Eapons-way of Ass-may Estruction-day.

I cannot believe that an reasonable person could examine this evidence and maintain such lugubrious moral idiocy etc. ad nauseam..."

See also Useful Idiot, Pacifism, Victory.

Iranian Bus Drivers

Trade Union

Ih-Ray-Nay-Yan Buss Dry-Verz

Oppressed workers' group ostentatiously supported by Decency, while simultaneously advocating their immediate bombing and liberation.

Convenient cause by which one may show off one's leftist opinions, thus deflecting accusations of Wingnuttery.

"All Socialists should stand in solidarity with the Iranian Bus Drivers and support the overthrow of the fascist regime that oppresses them."

United Nations

Representative Body

Yew-Nite-Ed Nay-Shuns

1. Morally bankrupt institution packed with relativists, pro-fascists and fascists - a pack of Nazis singing Horst Wessel Lied while bowing reverentially before the threats of the Islamic World.

The Ghost of the League of Nations, sitting crowned upon the grave thereof.

2. Morally unimpeachable body representing the opinion of the democratic world, especially when voting through UN General Assembly Resolution 181 and UN General Assembly Resolution 1441.

See also France, Russia.

The Lift

Mechanical Device

It's one of the most commonly asked questions in modern politics, but one that is worth revisiting often - whatever happened to the Lift?

While the nation has changed radically due to globalisation, privatisation and streamlined capitalism, the Lift has been unable to advance. It remains trapped, capable of rising and falling, but never of going forward.

The problem is plain to see - the Lift lacks inclusiveness, with little room for manoeuvre within its narrow confines. One could wait expectantly for decades for an innovative suggestion, but the Lift has nothing to offer but the same simplistic formulations that it has offered since Attlee was a boy.

If anyone had been doubtful of the Lift's irrelevance, its abject indifference to the rise of radical Islamism surely confirmed our most dire suspicions. While thousands perished at the hands of totalitarians, the Lift remained stuck between floors, mindful only of the need for maintenance.

So, what can be done to reinvigorate the Lift?

The answer can only come from the Lift itself, and the prognosis is not good - for as long as it continues to serve only those within its cold embrace rather than offering a coherent vision to society, it will remain an irrelevance for the majority of humanity.

Copyright Democratiya, 2007

Oil

Noun

Oy-al

1. Flammable liquid used for fuel in vehicles and domestic heating systems.

2. Natural resource, the pursuit of which was the primary motivation for certain nations' support of fascism and coddling of fascist dictators in 2003 - see also Russia, France, Germany.

3. Natural resource, ludicrously offered by Conspiracy Theorists as a motivation for confronting fascism and liberating Iraq in 2003.

"Jacques Chirac's priority is protecting French oil interests in Iraq, rather than confronting fascism."

"President Bush today demanded that the Iraqi government ratify a U.S.-sponsored bill that would allow American companies unlimited access to Iraq's vast oil wealth at super-bonanza knock-down prices."

List of persons motivated by crazed greed for Oil -

Vladimir Putin, Gerhard Schroeder, Jacques Chirac, George Galloway, Hugo Chavez, Osama Bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Brian Haw-Haw

List of persons motivated by a noble thirst for Freedom -

George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Saint Anthony of Good Faith

Boycott

Noun/Verb

Boi-Kott

1. Noble, voluntarily accepted prohibition upon purchasing consumer goods or indulging in professional transactions that profit regimes with poor human rights records. Allows Democrats to ethically register their objection to injustice.

2. Suspicious act of racist aggression proposed by the grievance-mongering Far Left to single out Democrats. Allows fascists to unethically register their obsessive hatred.

A proposed boycott of a civilised nation raises all manner of serious ethical and philosophical questions, e.g.: if a useful idiot proposes a boycott when there is nobody around to hear it, is it still anti-semitic?

Further reading - Fallout: The Joy of Sectarianism, by Andrew Anthony.

Republican

Noun

Ree-Pub-Lick-Can

The deadly blade in the gloved fist of Liberal Interventionism.

Batshit-crazy American political party sworn to the destruction of the Labour movement, the accruing of all wealth to themselves, endless looting of the Federal Treasury and the extermination of all foreign and domestic opposition.

These harmless quirks mask a deeply-held humanitarianism, as the Republicans' altruistic Foreign Policy goals are -

-The establishment of liberal governments dedicated to Jeffersonian democracy in all countries on Earth.

-Universal Freedom.

-Love and amity between all men and women.

-The eradication of AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, a particularly cherished aim of noted Republican humanitarian Dick Cheney.

"Thank God the Republicans are willing to fight fascism, or the world would be in a terrible state."