Explanatism

Rhetoric

Eck-Splah-Nah-Tizz-Zum

(Of a bien-pensant liberal elitist, upon being informed of an atrocity, animosity or bellicosity)

1) Any spoken or written statement that does not exclusively restrict itself to furious demands for the public flogging, flaying and beheading of all terrorists, their sympathisers and useful idiots in the west, or -

2) Any spoken or written statement that does not exclusively restrict itself to furious condemnation of terrorist ideology, its sympathisers and useful idiots in the west, followed by calls for their public flogging, flaying and beheading.

Relativist epidemic of quibbling and excuse-making for fascism on The Left, as diagnosed by David Aaronovitch following a quick Two O'Clock Bin-Rake, thus obviating any need to refrain from mounting one's high horse and acting the dick.

Terrorists Are Bad, to the power of ten.

n.b. Not to be confused with the act of mbunderstanding - a coterminous neologism coined by Professor Norman Geras following a heavy afternoon on the cooking sherry.

Plucked From The Annals Of Decency - "The notion that Saddam's removal will of necessity lead to chaos or the election of an unstable Islamist government is worthy of Henry Kissinger at his most cynical. It is pretty disgusting in the mouths of "left wingers" . " - Dangerous David Aaronovitch, 2/2/03

Nando's

Restaurant of the Righteous

Nahn-Doze

Eatery of choice for the rough-hewn, good-hearted working classes, Nando's provides fine Portuguese provender to the honest, hard-working Plebian and affords the enterprising corporate lawyer the opportunity to marinade his Decent bona fides in the spicy Peri-Peri sauce of the proletariat.

The authentic, modest fodder of Nando's is shunned and derided by the Waitrose-shopping liberal relativist in elitist acts of open contempt for the common man. For the average Decent, a visit to Nando's is an occasion for passionate self-congrulation, often prompting fulsome circle-jerks of the utmost ferocity, as if one had just finished a shift down a fucking coal mine.

External sources: Whistle While You Wank, Harry's Place.

Health & Safety Regs

Suicide-By-Bureaucracy

Hellthh Ahnd Sayff-Tay Reggz

Foolish and unnecessary red tape employed by liberal relativists to impede the reconstruction of liberated stable democracies.

Silly, legalistic indicators of a culture of risk avoidance, Health & Safety Regs are the Taliban's greatest ally, and the only obstacle preventing courageous Observer journalists from immediately charging out to Helmand province to help out our brave boys, causing them to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.*

*The Decent Observer journalists, not our brave boys.

Anti-War Protest

Noun

Mooz-Limz And Cruss-Tayz And Trotz, O My!

Pro-War protest, mounted by those who are On The Other Side.

A gathering of a few hundred cowardly demonstrators, tinfoil-hatted cranks and straw-men, marching together in support of fascist totalitarianism, motivated by suspicious, obsessive self-hatred and a longing to be crushed under the Islamofascist jackboot.

A rollicking good party of apologism where useful idiots cavort indecently, celebrating their childish rebellion against the father figures of authority, while furiously laughing and wanking mucky splurts of pro-Jihadi ichor into the trusting, pleading faces of the victims of tyranny.

The main Anti-War Protest of 2003 was the Bastille Day of Decency, at which several hundred Decents experienced epiphanies when faced with a broad coalition of fascists, trendy lefties and Ivory Tower elitists, thereafter penning atrociously dull books describing their brown-trousered horror.

"When I awoke on the morning of 15th February, I discovered that one million Britons had chosen to march in support of a fascist regime - the largest such rally since the marches against the overthrow of General Franco in 1975...

When I asked one young marcher why she was marching in solidarity with fascists, she resorted to a glib witticism, braying "Mister, yer fly's open and yer balls are hanging out!"

Looking down, I was horrified to discover that she was correct - it was at that moment that I espied Lady Fotheringhame, who was staring open-mouthed at my exposed clackersack in shock and undisguised revulsion...

"I can explain everything!" I blurted, stepping forward, but unbeknown to me a police horse had just that moment laid a fresh deposit of steaming manure, and I slipped and stumbled forwards into the ample bosom of a heavyset lady in a floral dress. My protestations of innocence went unheeded as she began to thrash me with her handbag..."

Extract from What's Left? by Nick Cohen

"I was deeply and passionately anti-war, determined to demonstrate my implacable hatred of the Nazi imperialist George Bush. I marched to show my steadfast commitment, my moral certitude and my genocidal hatred of western democracy...

...Then I clapped eyes on a crusty juggler talking to a bloke with a beard, and the scales fell from my eyes... I immediately threw my lot in with the pro-war crowd, who were far cooler kids, had better parties and free beer."

Extract from The Joy of Sectarianism by Andrew Anthony

Far Left

Pitiful Laughing Stock/Existential Threat

Hilariously ineffectual and disorganised gang of Students Waving Placards supporting the opposition in Iraqi Political Football.

A fringe groupuscle of suspicious, unserious ideologues whose influence upon the public consciousness is precisely nil, the Far Left is a rabid, ravening wolf begnawing the soft underbelly of British democracy.

Led by George Galloway, Brian Haw-Haw and the Academic/Media Complex this ludicrous gaggle of clueless no-hopers and bumbling intellectual pygmies threaten to undermine the very foundations of law and liberty.

Perpetually colluding with fascists to destroy all human freedom or spewing racist propaganda in preparation for a new Holocaust, these insignificant non-entities can be found prattling their snakebite-fuelled drivel to three men and a dog on any given night.

Their risible attempt to prevent the liberation of Iraq having been met with public derision, these feeble political assassins have pressed the curved scimitar of Islam to the throat of civilisation by conspiring with a comically inept band of ruthless, bloodthirsty Jihadist monsters.

These farcical buffoons are closely watched by vigilant Decents, whose commitment to resisting the hideous threat of these useful idiots is vital in the quest to confront fascism.

No Muscular Liberal would ever miss an opportunity to point out how the Far Left's prohecies of resurgent Western imperialism and malfeasance have fatally wounded its credibility.

Known for their intolerant boycotts and demonstrations, the Far Left would never miss an opportunity to gloat over the Failures in the Reconstruction Process that have blighted Iraq's transition to stable democracy.

See also moral equivalence, Liberal guilt, Grievance Mongering.

Fahrenheit 9/11

Celluloid Travesty

Fah-Renn-Hite Niy-Nee-Leh-Ven

Pro-Fascist propaganda movie about kite-flying Iraqi children playing at the swingpark, while fluffy bunnies snuggle with Uday and Qusay and sparkling magical ponies frolic in the Tigris.

Also contains brief historical distortions and rhetorically inflated references to bombing.

Academic/Media Complex

All-Powerful Propaganda Machine

Pro-Fascist echo chamber, denounced by Alan Johnson for spreading the ideology and psychology of grievance, causing Islamists to laugh in celebration.

Seven-headed, braying Hydra spitting chardonnay in the face of the victims of oppression, while spewing the propaganda of moral equivalence from their ivory towers in Hampstead and Islington.

Omnipotent elitist boot stamping on the face of Decency forever, comprising the all-powerful septumvirate of John Kampfner, Michael Moore, Ken Livingstone, Noam Chomsky, Seumas Milne, Madeleine Bunting and the corpse of Michel Foucalt, supported by a gibbering cohort of unserious pro-fascist demonstrators and useful idiots.

The gormless, traitorous yakking of the Academic/Media Complex is directly responsible for the failure of Muscular Liberalism to bomb democracy into the Middle East. The Complex is an unstoppable juggernaut of appeasement, while the only allies of Decency are unknown columnists in the mainstream press and the utterly impotent, marginalised governments of the United Kingdom and the United States of America.

External sources - Death To The Fascist Insect That Preys Upon The Life Of The People, by Alan Johnson.

See also Liberal Dinner Party.

Humanitarian NGOs

Courageous Anti-Totalitarians/Despicable Apologists

Hyoo-Mahn-Nit-Tay-Ray-Yun En-Jee-Oze

1. Saintly, virtuous organisations striving to shed the light of truth upon the torture and human rights violations of fascist regimes.

2. Partisan, politicised organisations striving to rhetorically inflate the departures from universal principles of civilised nations.

3. Disgraceful, hatemongering organisations striving to disseminate the fascist propaganda of terrorists.

"I cancelled my membership of Amnesty International when their condemnation of the Americans' network of secret prisons exposed their rank moral equivalence... I then joined Human Rights Watch, but had to withdraw my support after some guy with a website exposed them as pro-fascist anti-semites... these days, the only Humanitarian NGOs I trust are Freedom House and the CIA."

Intolerance

Noun

Inn-Taw-Leh-Ranse

1. Fascist characteristic of Muslims, who allow no criticism of their religion, customs or personal habits.

Muslim intolerance is the reason why no Decent website would ever dare publish any material that was in any way critical of Muslims, Islam, Mohammed or The Koran.

2. Fascist characteristic of effete Hampstead liberals and ivory tower elitists, who allow no criticism of their laughably ethnic foodstuffs, masturbatory condescension or Michael Moore movies.

Liberal intolerance is the reason why no Decent website would ever dare publish any material that was in any way critical of Multi-culturalism, terrorist-coddling or Noam Chomsky.

See also Appeasement, Islamophobia, Liberal Dinner Party.

External sources - Why Do These Muslim Bastards Keep Calling Me Islamophobic?

Liberal Dinner Party

Soiree of Sanctimony

Lih-Berr-Ull Dih-Nerr Pahr-Tay

Despicable gathering of moral relativists, commonly attended by champagne-swilling trendy lefties for the purpose of affirming their own class-based sense of moral superiority while gently wanking a thick, gelatinous plasm of smug condescension over the working man.

Frequently infiltrated by Nick Cohen and Denis McShane, who studiously transcribe the attendees' braying outbursts of onanistic hatred for America, Britain, Freedom, Jews, the Enlightenment, Morality and Decency.

Much-lamented social occasion for effete elitists and cosseted Hampstead liberals, where ivory-tower intelligentsia stuff their faces with self-consciously ethnic foodstuffs while belching great, noxious clouds of bile and self-satisfaction, leaving Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

Sample Menu

Bruschetta

Anti-Semitic Pizza

Brie and French Crackers

Latte

After dinner, it is customary for guests to view the movies of film-maker Michael Moore and praise his great effectiveness in depicting the tranquility of pre-invasion Iraq, while passing favourable comment upon his charming personality, honesty and svelte figure.

Party games include Reality Twister and Pin The Swastika On The Hebrew, and the evening customarily ends with a coke-fuelled circle-jerk climaxing in a raucous chorus of The Internationale and a twenty-one spam-cannon salute for Comrade Stalin.

See also Mainstream Liberal Culture, Liberal Guilt, What's Left?, the Academic/Media Complex.

Demonstrator

Noun

Deh-Mon-Stray-Torr

1. Foreigner - Heroic person exercising his or her right to march in protest against the policies of the state, thus showing a deeply noble desire for representation.

2. British - Childish affectation of effete Hampstead liberals exercising their puerile rebellion against their mums and dads, thus showing a deeply suspicous unseriousness.

See also Brian Haw-Haw, What's Left?

George Galloway

Person, Spearhead of Modern Fascism

Jorj Gallow-Way

1. Pathetic figure of national derision, whose comical stylings and clowning pratfalls have made him a laughing stock.

Ludicrous Parliamentarian, whose every pronouncement is greeted with gales of uproarious mockery, as Decents shriek "Nurse, my sides!" and other such witticisms.

2. Sinister uber-Nazi, whose Pro-fascist advocacy is a terrible threat to the very fabric of Western Civilisation.

Saddam-loving leader of the Red-Brown Brotherhood, Galloway works to subvert the democratic process in the interests of fascists, for whose eventual victory he devotes his every breath. Advocate of the cause of Arab supremacy, into which he pours his malice, his cruelty and his will to dominate all life.

Subject of the Fifteen Years' Hate, an ongoing ritual whereby Decents are given free licence to curse, spit, shriek, scream, rend their garments and tear their hair in visceral rage at his image.

See also, Agenda, Appeasement, Gloating, Grievance Mongering, Hitler, Islamophobia, Lessons of History, Moral Equivalence, Obsession, Singled Out, Suspicious, Understand, Unserious, Useful Idiot.

Epiphany

Noun

Ee-Piff-Fann-Ay

A moment of great and profound revelation, in which one realises that it is far more satisfying to externalise one's idiotic, self-loathing hatred of the West into idiotic Muslim-baiting hatred of the East.

The instant in which an idiot recognises his or her huge, honking stupidity and is magically transformed into a very, very clever person indeed.

Often results in the penning of atrociously dull books explaining how one's new ideas have been callously mocked by bruschetta-munching Hampstead liberals, whose utter derision shows their craven, Gestapo-esque love for leather, leaving Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

"Having spent my life espousing stupid Left-wing ideas, nobody was more surprised than I when the horror of 9/11 caused me to begin espousing stupid Right-wing ideas. I guess you could say I had an epiphany."

See also, Andrew Anthony, Nick Cohen, What's Left?, Bernard Goldberg, American Right-Wing Culture War

Brian Haw-Haw

Person

Pro-Fascist Anti-War Campaigner

Smelly hippy and useful idiot, Brian Haw-Haw has broadcast his pro-fascist propaganda from his camp in Parliament Square for much of the last six years.

Like much of the anti-war Left, his failure to grasp the fact that Terrorists Are Bad has caused him to verbally attack Saint Anthony of Good Faith and to offend Decent Parliamentarians with his silly placards about dead Iraqis.

Beloved figure of latte-sipping, bruschetta-munching Hampstead Liberals, who congregate in snooty galleries to view his simplistic sloganeering, before gang-pissing on photographs of Iraqi Democrats and howling ululations for the Islamification of Britain, leaving Decent Observer journalists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

See also, What's Left?, Nick Cohen

What's Left?

Literature

Hilarious knock-about travelogue, describing journalist Nick Cohen's journeys through the dining rooms of Britain's chattering classes, with comical and often sexy results.

Written as high farce, Cohen recounts his pratfalls and japes at a series of Liberal Dinner Parties, where the easy equivalence flows like spunky Nesquik as braying relativists hold black mass in honour of Saddam Hussein, leaving the Decent Observer columnist to seethe at his own frustrated impotence.

Cohen's humourless, self-righteous personality is milked for maximum comical effect, as his stern exhortations to support his personal quest against evil are thwarted by moments of Chaplin-esque slapstick.

"I awoke on the morning of February 15th," I said, fixing them with a glare to silence their gormless tittering, "only to find that, rather than stand in solidarity with their oppressed Iraqi brothers and sisters, hundreds of thousands of Britons had chosen to march in support of a fascist regime."

"What tradition of the Left would - yes, what is it Mary?" I snapped abruptly at a dreadlocked Guardianista, her apparel a testament to her lifelong quest for predictable, childish rebellion.

"Sorry Nick, but your trousers have fallen down!"

Giggles erupted, and I looked down to discover that she was right. I raised my head to give voice to my immense shame and there, horror of horrors, stood the vicar.

"COHEN!", he thundered, purple with rage, "DO YOU HAVE ANY EXPLANATION FOR THIS UNSPEAKABLE OUTRAGE?!"

"Christing bollocks," I muttered...

(Extract from What's Left?, p.132, Doubleday Publications 2007)

See also Mainstream Liberal Culture

Liberal Guilt

Noun

Lih-Beh-Rall Gilt

Foolish affectation of effete elitists and ivory tower Hampstead liberals. The ludicrous belief that the past atrocities of Democrats were morally wrong, and that future actions should be considered with precedent in mind. Often causes fascists to laugh in celebration.

Generally indulged in at Liberal Dinner Parties, where braying, champagne-swilling relativists indulge in self-righteous anti-Americanism while snorting fat lines of cocaine from photographs of Saddam Hussein, leaving Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

See also Latte, Bruschetta, Nick Cohen, the Academic/Media Complex.

Latte

Noun

Lah-Dee-Dah-Tay

Effeminate Italian beverage consisting of the frothy, obnoxious steamed milk of moral equivalence to which a black, scalding shot of malevolent espresso is added.

Drunk solely by effete elitists and ivory tower Hampstead intelligentsia in laughably ethnic Shoreditch coffee-shops, while a braying cohort of liberal relativists masturbate furiously over an artfully spliced montage of hardcore pornography and Fahrenheit 9/11, leaving Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

See also Bruschetta, Liberal Dinner Parties, Liberal Guilt, What's Left?.

Bruschetta

Noun

Broo-Shett-Ah

Effeminate Italian foodstuff comprising bread, chopped tomatoes, garlic and basil.

Solely consumed by effete elitists and ivory tower Hampstead intelligentsia at decadent Liberal Dinner Parties, while sniggering condescension and braying anti-Americanism flow like pissy champagne, leaving Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

See also: Latte, Liberal Guilt, What's Left?