Far Left

Pitiful Laughing Stock/Existential Threat

Hilariously ineffectual and disorganised gang of Students Waving Placards supporting the opposition in Iraqi Political Football.

A fringe groupuscle of suspicious, unserious ideologues whose influence upon the public consciousness is precisely nil, the Far Left is a rabid, ravening wolf begnawing the soft underbelly of British democracy.

Led by George Galloway, Brian Haw-Haw and the Academic/Media Complex this ludicrous gaggle of clueless no-hopers and bumbling intellectual pygmies threaten to undermine the very foundations of law and liberty.

Perpetually colluding with fascists to destroy all human freedom or spewing racist propaganda in preparation for a new Holocaust, these insignificant non-entities can be found prattling their snakebite-fuelled drivel to three men and a dog on any given night.

Their risible attempt to prevent the liberation of Iraq having been met with public derision, these feeble political assassins have pressed the curved scimitar of Islam to the throat of civilisation by conspiring with a comically inept band of ruthless, bloodthirsty Jihadist monsters.

These farcical buffoons are closely watched by vigilant Decents, whose commitment to resisting the hideous threat of these useful idiots is vital in the quest to confront fascism.

No Muscular Liberal would ever miss an opportunity to point out how the Far Left's prohecies of resurgent Western imperialism and malfeasance have fatally wounded its credibility.

Known for their intolerant boycotts and demonstrations, the Far Left would never miss an opportunity to gloat over the Failures in the Reconstruction Process that have blighted Iraq's transition to stable democracy.

See also moral equivalence, Liberal guilt, Grievance Mongering.

Laugh In Celebration

Fascist Hilarity

Laff In Sell-Leh-Bray-Shun

Response of Fascists to any suggestion by the Academic/Media Complex that the increased threat of terrorism is in any way related to certain foreign policy catastrophes.

(Group of swarthy Jihadists cluster round television to watch Ken Livingstone speech).

KEN: "I think it's obvious that our policies of torture, extra-judicial detention and surgical strikes have played into the hands of terrorist groups."

JIHADISTS: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! THIS USEFUL IDIOT CRACKS US UP!

(Tears, gasping for breath, cries of "Nurse, my sides!")

Fahrenheit 9/11

Celluloid Travesty

Fah-Renn-Hite Niy-Nee-Leh-Ven

Pro-Fascist propaganda movie about kite-flying Iraqi children playing at the swingpark, while fluffy bunnies snuggle with Uday and Qusay and sparkling magical ponies frolic in the Tigris.

Also contains brief historical distortions and rhetorically inflated references to bombing.

Academic/Media Complex

All-Powerful Propaganda Machine

Pro-Fascist echo chamber, denounced by Alan Johnson for spreading the ideology and psychology of grievance, causing Islamists to laugh in celebration.

Seven-headed, braying Hydra spitting chardonnay in the face of the victims of oppression, while spewing the propaganda of moral equivalence from their ivory towers in Hampstead and Islington.

Omnipotent elitist boot stamping on the face of Decency forever, comprising the all-powerful septumvirate of John Kampfner, Michael Moore, Ken Livingstone, Noam Chomsky, Seumas Milne, Madeleine Bunting and the corpse of Michel Foucalt, supported by a gibbering cohort of unserious pro-fascist demonstrators and useful idiots.

The gormless, traitorous yakking of the Academic/Media Complex is directly responsible for the failure of Muscular Liberalism to bomb democracy into the Middle East. The Complex is an unstoppable juggernaut of appeasement, while the only allies of Decency are unknown columnists in the mainstream press and the utterly impotent, marginalised governments of the United Kingdom and the United States of America.

External sources - Death To The Fascist Insect That Preys Upon The Life Of The People, by Alan Johnson.

See also Liberal Dinner Party.

Realist

Noun

Ree-List

1. Person accepting a situation as it is and dealing with it accordingly.

2. Person objectively collaborating with Fascists, enabling their genocidal hatred and bloodlust.

Cynical reliance upon empirical evidence, as opposed to strict adherence to Decency - Muscular Liberalism rarely allows reality to intrude into its policy considerations.

3. Pejorative term used to belittle Pro-Fascists and Pacifists.

"I think the Republicans have shown that they will exploit any situation to shore up their poll numbers and stuff the pockets of their business associates - they can't be trusted to competently handle further invasions or surgical strikes, and any person with an interest in human rights should refuse to support such actions."

"Why, you're nothing but a calculating, cold blooded, conservative realist whose use for rights and ideals is limited to pretending to care."

See also Pacifism, Appeasement, Moral Equivalence.

The Rubble

Euphamism

Tha Ruh-Buhl

What remains after the judicious application of the Decent Debating Technique and Terrorists Are Bad have led to the complete collapse of a Middle Eastern nation.

Smelly, disorderly pile of exaggeration, moral blackmail, sanctimony and outright lies, upon which a shining era of democracy and human rights shall be built.

That which must never be picked through, unless it is necessary to cannibalise raw materials for the liberation of Iran, Lebanon or Syria.

"the proper concern of genuine liberals and members of the Left should have been the battle to put in place in Iraq a democratic political order and to rebuild the country's infrastructure, to create after decades of the most brutal oppression a life for Iraqis which those living in democratic countries take for granted—rather than picking through the rubble of the arguments over intervention." - Euston Manifesto

Departure From Universal Principles

Euphamism

Exculpatory linguistic wriggle for distinguishing the criminal brutality of civilised nations from that of fascist tyrannies, best summarised as "Okay, we torture people to death, but if it wasn't for us torture wouldn't be illegal in the first place."

The practice of beating restrained prisoners to death, "Palestinian hanging", coercive drowning, sexual humiliation and other forms of torture, in a network of secret military prisons kept beyond judicial oversight, as tacitly approved by the Republicans.

Moral blank cheque written to ensure that the war crimes of one's allies are put into perspective. When used in conjunction with We Punish War Crimes, We're Nicer Than Saddam and Terrorists Are Bad, allows one to reclaim the moral high ground.

From section C of the Euston Manifesto...

"The violation of basic human rights standards at Abu Ghraib, at Guantanamo, and by the practice of "rendition", must be roundly condemned for what it is: a departure from universal principles, for the establishment of which the democratic countries themselves, and in particular the United States of America, bear the greater part of the historical credit."

Criticism of any such Departures From Universal Principles is permitted only after the recitation of the Catalogue of Contempt in its entirety.

Should not be confused with the minimisation of atrocities, which is solely a tactic of the far Left.

External sources - My Jack Bauer Fantasy by Nick Cohen, What's With This Silly Taboo on Discussing Torture? by Norm Geras, Terrorists Are Bad So Why Should We Give a Shit About Arbitrary Detention and Torture? by Christopher Hitchens.

Humanitarian NGOs

Courageous Anti-Totalitarians/Despicable Apologists

Hyoo-Mahn-Nit-Tay-Ray-Yun En-Jee-Oze

1. Saintly, virtuous organisations striving to shed the light of truth upon the torture and human rights violations of fascist regimes.

2. Partisan, politicised organisations striving to rhetorically inflate the departures from universal principles of civilised nations.

3. Disgraceful, hatemongering organisations striving to disseminate the fascist propaganda of terrorists.

"I cancelled my membership of Amnesty International when their condemnation of the Americans' network of secret prisons exposed their rank moral equivalence... I then joined Human Rights Watch, but had to withdraw my support after some guy with a website exposed them as pro-fascist anti-semites... these days, the only Humanitarian NGOs I trust are Freedom House and the CIA."

Intolerance

Noun

Inn-Taw-Leh-Ranse

1. Fascist characteristic of Muslims, who allow no criticism of their religion, customs or personal habits.

Muslim intolerance is the reason why no Decent website would ever dare publish any material that was in any way critical of Muslims, Islam, Mohammed or The Koran.

2. Fascist characteristic of effete Hampstead liberals and ivory tower elitists, who allow no criticism of their laughably ethnic foodstuffs, masturbatory condescension or Michael Moore movies.

Liberal intolerance is the reason why no Decent website would ever dare publish any material that was in any way critical of Multi-culturalism, terrorist-coddling or Noam Chomsky.

See also Appeasement, Islamophobia, Liberal Dinner Party.

External sources - Why Do These Muslim Bastards Keep Calling Me Islamophobic?

The Battle Of Ideas

War of the Words

Mortal conflict between Decency and Fascism, in which keyboard-combatants violently denounce each other online while calling for more bombing.

Weapons used in this existential conflict include fierce salvoes of pithy wordplay, one-eyed news reporting and the tactical deployment of photographs of ones' political opponents shaking hands with international pariahs.

The Principles of Decency

Movement committed to confronting fascism by supporting the use of hi-tech American whizz-bang to blast democracy into the heart of the totalitarian Middle East.

Based upon fundamental respect for human rights and freedom and a harsh disdain for moral equivalence, Decency advocates the liberation of oppressed peoples through surgical strikes, thus creating stable democracies.

Principles of Decency are laid out in greater detail in the Euston Manifesto.

The Motivations of Fascism

Totalitarian ideology, best summarised as "Everybody dies, including us."

Informed commenters have noted that the Battle of Ideas has two possible outcomes - the Al-Qaedification of the Middle East or the Dhimmification of the planet.

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"I think we need to do more to win the Battle of Ideas."

"Oh, do you think? You must've been watching the Iraqi Political Football... what a disaster. I mean, who drafted our fucking ideas anyway? Benny Hill?"

See also, the Academic/Media Complex.

Credibility

Noun

Kreh-Dih-Bill-Lih-Tay

Essential standard used to gauge the veracity of individuals' pronouncements, as famously wasted by journalist Robert Fisk and film-maker Michael Moore.

"Did you read Seymour Hersh's New Yorker article about the scale of torture and detention beyond the rule of law in the American military?"

"Yes, what a dipshit - that cock-knocking shit-for-brains pissed his credibility away when he did that book about the Kennedys."

"Of course, you're right. Hey, did you read that some guy with a website has posted a series of photographs proving that the International Red Cross is in league with Hezbollah?"

"Really? Why, those humanitarian bastards!"

Terrorism-By-Proxy

Noun

Teh-Roh-Rizz-Um By Prock-Say

Unfortunate mishap and moral blank cheque occurring when cowardly Fascists refuse to fight like real men, choosing instead to take cover behind crudely-drawn prams.

Civilian casualties sustained when heroic Democrats launch a surgical strike against a military target using a missile that cost more to design, build and deliver than the GDP of Ireland, fired from a plane flying practically in outer space.

Tragic deaths, for which Fascists bear moral responsibility.

Often results in instances of Al-Qaedification.

"Jesus, did you hear that the bombing of Lebanon killed over a thousand people?"

"Yeah, a horrible case of Terrorism-By-Proxy. But what can we do when the enemy insists upon hiding behind crudely-drawn prams?"

History

Noun

Hiss-Storr-Ray

1. Time period commencing with Adolf Hitler's appointment as Chancellor of Germany in 1933, encompassing Britain's shameful appeasement of the Nazis and ending on VJ Day in 1945.

2. The academic study thereof.

See also Winston Churchill, Decent TARDIS, The Lessons of History.

Do not see also Vietnam.

Conspiracy Theorist

Noun

Konn-Spih-Ruh-Say Thee-Yoh-Risst

1. Deranged person asserting that Dick Cheney's desire to liberate Iraq was not motivated by his principled altruism and anti-totalitarianism, nor by his love of freedom, human rights, democracy or magical ponies, causing fascists to laugh in celebration.

"Surely when you hear about how the Americans are demanding that Iraq's natural resources be sold to their business associates at super-bonanza knock-down prices, you must suspect that might have been part of the plan all along?"

"Oooh, break out the tinfoil hats, lads - it looks like we've got a conspiracy theorist on our hands."

Confronting Fascism

Rhetoric

Conn-Frunn-Ting Fah-Shizz-Um

1. The act of writing righteous screeds advocating bombing in a newspaper column for handsome financial rewards.

2. The act of writing righteous screeds advocating bombing on a website for no financial rewards.

"Having spent my life confronting fascism, I'm sickened by the apologists of the modern Left."

See also Support, Epiphany, solidarity with Decent Iraqis.

Liberal Dinner Party

Soiree of Sanctimony

Lih-Berr-Ull Dih-Nerr Pahr-Tay

Despicable gathering of moral relativists, commonly attended by champagne-swilling trendy lefties for the purpose of affirming their own class-based sense of moral superiority while gently wanking a thick, gelatinous plasm of smug condescension over the working man.

Frequently infiltrated by Nick Cohen and Denis McShane, who studiously transcribe the attendees' braying outbursts of onanistic hatred for America, Britain, Freedom, Jews, the Enlightenment, Morality and Decency.

Much-lamented social occasion for effete elitists and cosseted Hampstead liberals, where ivory-tower intelligentsia stuff their faces with self-consciously ethnic foodstuffs while belching great, noxious clouds of bile and self-satisfaction, leaving Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

Sample Menu

Bruschetta

Anti-Semitic Pizza

Brie and French Crackers

Latte

After dinner, it is customary for guests to view the movies of film-maker Michael Moore and praise his great effectiveness in depicting the tranquility of pre-invasion Iraq, while passing favourable comment upon his charming personality, honesty and svelte figure.

Party games include Reality Twister and Pin The Swastika On The Hebrew, and the evening customarily ends with a coke-fuelled circle-jerk climaxing in a raucous chorus of The Internationale and a twenty-one spam-cannon salute for Comrade Stalin.

See also Mainstream Liberal Culture, Liberal Guilt, What's Left?, the Academic/Media Complex.

Torture

Noun

Tohr-Tyuhr

1. Absolutely unacceptable and prohibited practice of totalitarian regimes, by whom Democrats are subjected to appalling physical and psychological abuse, as noted by vigilant Humanitarian NGOs.

2. A Departure from Universal Principles, as rhetorically inflated by exaggerating Humanitarian NGOs - principles gifted to humanity by the Americans, who deserve to be cut a little slack because Terrorists Are Bad.

3. Laughable complaint of wussy terrorists who are too effeminate to take a little bit of kneeling down, loud music, bumming with sticks and light suffocation with water and towels, as noted by mendacious Humanitarian NGOs.

The means that are justified by the ends.

See also, Euston Manifesto.

Iraqi Political Football

Sporting Pursuit

Ih-Rah-Kay Poh-Lih-Tih-Kal Foot-Bawl

Entirely imaginary match-up between Democrats, foreign fighters and non-specific fascists, in which Decents declare their solidarity with Decent Iraqis.

Notional contest in which fictional Mesopotamian men of peace conduct an entirely non-sectarian conflict against a generalised concept of evil, as embodied by non-Iraqi terrorists, via the endeavours of a largely illusory Iraqi Army.

Entertaining pastime, useful for explaining vastly complex bloodbaths involving an incomprehensible patchwork of militias, death squads, private armies, criminal gangs and terrorist groups, all of whom split their loyalties between a bewildering array of political, religious, national and tribal interests.

"So, who will you be supporting in the Iraqi Political Football, then?"

"Well, obviously I'm backing the good guys."

Al-Qaedification

Noun

Ahl-Kye-Dih-Fih-Kay-Shun

Transformative process undertaken by recently deceased Iraqis and Afghans following a lethal encounter with American military hardware.

Al-Qaedification can be a temporary process, depending on the circumstances, and has been known to further develop into a stage during which the deceased becomes a victim of Terrorism-By-Proxy.

Not to be confused with Hezbollization, a phenomenon found only in the Levant - nor should it be confused with Fauxtographication, whereby seemingly deceased Lebanese are magically resurrected by some guy with a website.

See also, Terrorists Are Bad, Surgical Strike.

Decent Dole

Noun

Dee-Sint Dohl

Private welfare system that ensures an income to muscular liberals who have become too senile and incoherent to earn a living, as regularly paid by The Guardian and The Observer.

"Did you read Andrew Anthony's piece in The Guardian? God, it was even more deranged and rambling than his last - if it wasn't for the Decent Dole, the poor guy would be forced to blow tramps for loose change."

The Guardian

Reprehensible Media Organ

The Garr-Day-Yan

1. Islamist daily newspaper, published and purchased by useful idiots, The Guardian (also Al-Grauniad) is the primary source of suspicious propaganda, disseminating racist and anti-American materials, causing fascists to laugh in celebration.

Beloved of effete elitists and bruschetta-munching Hampstead liberals, the Guardian dribbles its hate-filled bile and moral equivalence into the public consciousness like a leaky pisser thrust into the ear of the nation, leaving Decent Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

"Did you read that Madeleine Bunting piece in the Grauniad? Why, I've never read such utter nonsense - the paper's slide into irrelevance continues."

2. Islamist daily newspaper, published and purchased by useful idiots, The Guardian is the primary source of the Decent Dole, a private welfare system that guarantees an income for muscular liberals who have slid into senility and incoherence.

"Did you read that Andrew Anthony piece in the Guardian? Why, I've never read such vibrant, witty and relevant writing - the paper's commitment to publishing cutting-edge commentary continues."