The Hitchens Formula

Income-generating wheeze

Rhetorical cash cow guaranteeing regular payments of Decent Dole to newspaper columnists who have become too senile and incoherent to earn a living, as regularly paid by Slate, The Guardian, Standpoint and the Times.

Originally attributed to Comrade Hitchens, the Formula is expressed thusly...

Did (American action X) cause (atrocity Y)? No!

Rinse and repeat as needed. See also: Condemnit!

Balance

Like "News", Only More So

Bah-Lanse

1. Of news-gathering and reporting agencies, the practice of relating world events in a manner that does not offend the fucknut prejudices of ones head-banging political constituency.

2. Of Some Guy With a Website, the practice of instantly leaping to the most one-eyed, crack-addled, arse-brained position on any particular issue, and using implications of racism and bias as a stick with which to beat one's political enemies to death.

Example 1. When The Guardian declares that the team one supports are Using a Sledgehammer to Crack a Nut, one should pen a lengthy column contending that the Sledgehammers do not exist, and that the Nuts are genocidal terrorists.

Example 2. When the team you support then publicly announce that they have requested an emergency shipment of Sledgehammers from the Republicans to help with the Nut-Cracking, one should instantly question the suspicious obsessions of The Guardian and condemn George Galloway.

"That's why Nick Cohen is a must-read - he provides much-needed balance... Thank God for the Decent Dole."

Libel Laws

Liberty, If It Means Anything, Is The Right To Call Anyone You Don't Like a Nazi In A Consequence-Free Environment

Despicable legal mechanism used to crush free speech, allowing persons one has described as a genocidal, jew-baiting, terrorist-loving, goosestepping fascist bastard to seek redress, apology and/or retraction.

Horrifying potential barrier to the promulgation of disingenuous smears and outright lies based upon out-of-context quotes and Decent Telepathy, tyrannical Libel Laws are the pro-fascist's boot on the neck of freedom.

"...And I say, what is Britain coming to when a man cannot concoct a fraudulent case against a number of named individuals, repeatedly describe them as racist cranks and hate-filled sympathisers with genocidal terrorists, publish their employment details on the internet then set hundreds of online maniacs swarming over them like flying, screeching, shitting monkeys, without receiving a tetchy letter from a lawyer... It's outright oppression, is what it is."

Two O'Clock Bin-Rake

Labour-Saving Device

Too-Oh-Clawk-Binn-Rayk

1) Of a sexist gentleman at Chucking-Out Time, one last stagger through the detritus of a rapidly-emptying nightclub in search of a friendly female of dubious virtue, for immoral purposes.

Much-beloved tactic of the thirsty gentleman who wishes to economise on charm, to leave more time for drinking.

2) Of a lazy Decent journalist with an imminent Deadline, one last stagger to one's computer to type the words Terrorism and Root Causes into Google News, in search of Some Guy With a Website one can use as an excuse to knock-off a half-assed article about relativism, for financial purposes.

Much-beloved tactic of the Decent gentleman who wishes to economise on effort, to leave more time for drinking.

From the Annals of Decency - " 'Anti-Americanism' is a transparent slur that libels and subverts the best of American freedom. It is a propaganda insult that is as contaminated as 'terrorist'. Right-wingers... use it shamelessly to suggest that those who are not happy with their abysmal status-quo are the moral equivalents of blood-drenched murderers." Nasty Nick Cohen, 14/1/02

Moral Compass

Mystical Voodoo Power

Maw-Rul Kum-Pus

Unerring internal guide of righteousness, useful for examining vastly complex bloodbaths involving an incomprehensible patchwork of militias, death squads, private armies, criminal gangs and terrorist groups, all of whom split their loyalties between a bewildering array of political, religious, national and tribal interests, and deciding which faction to support.

This 100% reliable tool of moral guidance is also useful for divining which group represents the forces of democracy in any intractable, bloody feud over land and resources between a network of competing political, criminal and religious sects.

This instinctual understanding helps the Muscular Liberal focus like a laser upon the core truths of any given conflict. He or she can thus identify the good guys, who can then be supported with mealy-mouthed newspaper articles and highly partisan blog posts, while simultaneously slaying the ravenous beast of relativism with the sword of whatabout?

Similarly, this arcane ability allows one to spot the fascists in any given conflict, the better to deliver surgical strikes upon military targets.

n.b. While the moral compass functions with absolute precision during foreign conflicts, it can often become more difficult to read during western interventions, especially if there are numerous instances of Al-Qaedification and Terrorism-by-Proxy.

At such times, it's important to note that such situations are messy and that bad things happen during wars.

See also Iraqi Political Football, Decent Telepathy, Moral Dilemma.

Al-Qaedification

Noun

Ahl-Kye-Dih-Fih-Kay-Shun

Transformative process undertaken by recently deceased Iraqis and Afghans following a lethal encounter with American military hardware.

Al-Qaedification can be a temporary process, depending on the circumstances, and has been known to further develop into a stage during which the deceased becomes a victim of Terrorism-By-Proxy.

Not to be confused with Hezbollization, a phenomenon found only in the Levant - nor should it be confused with Fauxtographication, whereby seemingly deceased Lebanese are magically resurrected by some guy with a website.

See also, Terrorists Are Bad, Surgical Strike.

Ghost Dance of Geras

Mystical Voodoo Power

Spiritual invocation of the power of positive thought, the Ghost Dance of Geras became a common religious ritual on Decent websites from early 2005 onwards.

The practice involves chanting and incantation, as a gaggle of Eustonauts exhort each other to ever-more ecstatic declarations of loyalty to the doctrine of liberal interventionism, in the irrational belief that the power of faith will eradicate terrorism from the Middle East.

Named after the custom of 1890's Native American tribes, who would exhort each other to ever-more ecstatic declarations of loyalty to the spirits of their ancestors, who they hoped would return to eradicate the white man from North America.

"I confess that I did not forsee that the invasion would be met with such brutal terrorism by nihilists, hey-ya hawa hey-ya haw, but I still believe it was the right thing to do, hey-ya hawa hey-ya-ya..."

"I agree, Brownie-ya-ya hey-ya hawa, nobody could have forseen such nihilistic barbarity, hey-ya hawa hey-ya-ya, but that does not invalidate the goal of overthrowing a fascist dictator."

To date, both spiritual movements have had comparable rates of success.

See also Decent Tardis, Decent Telepathy

Decent TARDIS

Time And Revisionist Decency In Space

Dee-Sint Tahr-Diss

Mysterious time-travel device, the use of which allows one to change the very fabric of reality itself.

Useful for re-ordering the course of history to influence the present, thus resulting in swiftly altering rationales for certain foreign-policy disasters and Cold War bloodbaths.

"What the hell do you mean, we invaded Iraq to create an arc of democracy across the Middle East? I seem to remember some bullshit about mushroom clouds and remote-controlled planes dropping anthrax on Topeka..."

"Just a moment..." (Dashes off - Loud, rhythmic groaning sound of rip in space/time continuum, Returns)

"Now, what were you saying?"

"I was saying, whatever George Bush's faults, he's always been open about pushing for Middle Eastern democracy..."

See also Decent Telepathy, Decent Taxi.

Decent Debating Technique

Mystical Voodoo Power

Dee-Sent Dee-Bay-Ting-Tek-Neek

Argumentative Martial Art by which Decents wage war, thus laying devastation to their opponents.

Sophisticated tripartite argumentative tool that initially requires debaters to jump through Harry's Hoops, before subjecting them to a rigorous Will-You-Condemn-A-Thon.

Any surviving opponents are generally dispatched by an extended session of Whatabout?, although it should be noted that any and all interlocutors with persons using the Decent Debating Technique can, at any moment, be declared pro-fascist through the use of Decent Telepathy.

Moral Courage

Mystical Voodoo Power

Maw-Rull Cuh-Ridj

1. Selfless, heroic commitment to supporting the dominant political consensus of the ruling elites of the world's most powerful nations.

2. Selfless, heroic advocation of sending other people to liberate dictatorships, while pouring bile and venom over appeasers and pro-fascists.

3. Selfless, heroic commitment to offending one's intellectual constituency using obscure adjectives such as "lugubrious" and "semi-envious".

"Mr. Hitchens' decision to defend the foreign-policy aims of the Republican Party on FOX News was a tremendous act of moral courage."

Decent Telepathy

Mystical Voodoo Power

Dee-Sint Tell-Eh-Pah-Thay

Mind-reading technique for divining the subconcious motivations of pro-fascists.

Allows users to see past the suspicious obsessions of debaters, revealing a pro-fascist's hidden agenda.

See also Decent TARDIS, Decent Taxi, .