Nando's

Restaurant of the Righteous

Nahn-Doze

Eatery of choice for the rough-hewn, good-hearted working classes, Nando's provides fine Portuguese provender to the honest, hard-working Plebian and affords the enterprising corporate lawyer the opportunity to marinade his Decent bona fides in the spicy Peri-Peri sauce of the proletariat.

The authentic, modest fodder of Nando's is shunned and derided by the Waitrose-shopping liberal relativist in elitist acts of open contempt for the common man. For the average Decent, a visit to Nando's is an occasion for passionate self-congrulation, often prompting fulsome circle-jerks of the utmost ferocity, as if one had just finished a shift down a fucking coal mine.

External sources: Whistle While You Wank, Harry's Place.

The Surge

Secular Miracle


1. And lo, it came to pass that Babylon was accursed with plagues, and the rivers did foam with blood; and there was drought, for the Water floweth not from the Taps of men, nor did the Power that is Electric light their tents.

2. And men were as beasts, and brother slew brother even unto the last Sunnite and the last Shi'ite, and there was a great Cleansing of Ethnics and Drilling of Heads, and mighty were the Bombings of Cars and the Missiles of Cruise that smote Babylon.

3. And the Gerasites and the Hitchenites looked upon Babylon and saw that it was not Good, and grew displeased, saying, Bugger, This Maketh Us Look Pretty Bad.

4. And, Let Us Blameth It All On The Head-Choppers And The Fascites And The Ba'athites, For They Are A Jolly Unpleasant Lot, and they did demand, Will You Condemn The Fascites And The Ba'athites?

5. Oh, Well, In That Case, Will You Condemn The Ahmadinejites? What About The Hamasites, Will You Condemn The Hamasites?

6. And so on.

7. And on.

8. And there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth, and the Condemnations of the Gerasites and the Hitchenites were Legion.

9. And when they did finally remember the plagues of the Babylonites, the Gerasites and Hitchenites offered up their prayers to the LORD, crying Oh Great One, Wilt Thou Not Do Something, Anything, and loud were their lamentations and the Pity that is Self.

10. And lo, the LORD looked upon them and sayeth, Now Shalt Begin The Great SURGE Of Freedom, and, I Now Send Unto Thee a Saviour, Who Is Called David Of Petraeus

11. And David Of Petraeus walked among the Babylonites and did giveth unto the Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites thirty pieces of silver, saying Here, Taketh This Cash And Quitteth With The Chopping of Heads And The Bombing Of Cars.

12. And unto them David Of Petraeus sayeth, I Am Just Off For A Lie Down In My Fortified Tent, It Would Be Great If Thou Lot Couldst Keep The Babylonites Quiet Until After The GLORIOUS APPEARING Of John Of McCain On The White House Lawn, If Thou Knowest What I Am Saying.

13. Nudge, Nudge.

14. And Thrice Nudge.

15. And the Head-Choppers and the Fascites and the Ba'athites rejoiced, and they took the thirty pieces of silver and gave them unto the Ahmadinejites and said, Giveth Us Some Of Those Slings That Are Automatic And Those Arrows That Are Piercing of Armour, For We Shalt Have Need Of Them Once David Of Petraeus Hath Sodded Off.

16. And it came to pass that the streets of Babylon were quietened a bit, although not that much.

17. And still the water did not flow, nor did the Power that is Electric light the tents of the Babylonites, and great was their fear of the Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites.

18. And the Gerasites and Hitchenites looked upon Babylon and saw that it was Good, and said, God Bless The SURGE!

19. And, God Bless the Head-Choppers and the Fascites and The Ba'athites, For They Hath Brought Peace To Babylon And Restored Our Faith.

20. And, Oh, Did We Sayeth Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites? Verily, We Meant "Democrats".

21. Yea, We Distinctly Remember Saying "Democrats".

22. And so it came to pass that the SURGE did WORK, and there was great rejoicing and loud were the Hosannas and the hearts of men were gladdened, and there was much mounting of the Horse that is High.

23. And the Babylonites did say, Why Are These Mentalites In Charge, and, Where's All This Freedom the LORD promised us, and, Hello, and, Is Anybody Listening?

24. And lo, nobody was.

Administrative Notes 7

To The Barricades, Comrades - A Rallying Cry In Defence of Harry's Place

Arise, muscular liberals, for the enemy is at the gates in the form of Mohammed Sawalha, President of the British Muslim Initiative and his dastardly legal threats against Harry's Place.

Having been caught red-handed promulgating anti-semitic smears, this supporter of and fund-raiser for Hamas has launched a doomed legal action against that esteemed internet outlet for its reporting of quotes attributed to him by an entirely separate website in an attempt to intimidate the near-defenceless corporate lawyer David T. into silence.

These bullying tactics are a disgusting abuse of the legal process and English defamation laws, which should be reserved for only the most serious breaches, such as those occurring when Guardian writer David Edgar points out that Nick Cohen is full of shit or Some Guy With a Website says something nasty about Oliver Kamm.

Rest assured that this chilling suit is merely the tip of the iceberg. If Harry's Place is silenced for reporting the truth and backing it up with solid evidence, then the era of the Will-You-Condemn-a-Thon is officially over and, with it, muscular liberalism itself.

A movement which bases its worldview upon quotes ripped out of context, wild and highly defamatory speculation over the motives of its enemies, dubious anecdotes, Decent Telepathy, viscious two-minute hates and baseless, hysterical accusations of proto-fascism will surely shrivel up and die the instant it is dragged under the microscope of the judicial process.

Just think - all that good work poured into dissecting Ken Livingstone's public statements and extrapolating near-Hitlerian levels of fascism... Gone in a firestorm of white-hot litigation!

Those extended hate-harshes against academic unions attempting to boycott Israel, and all of those maniacal insinuations about their outright jew-hatred... Blasted into smithereens by bewigged legal assassins!

Those countless celebrities, columnists, politicians, journalists, writers, thinkers, film-makers, bloggers, broadcasters, and religious figures constantly depicted as jack-booted fascists, hankering ravenously to devour democracy itself... Why, any one of them could stand up and insist that any and all muscular liberals take full legal responsibility for their actions.

Unthinkable! If I choose to defame a minor public figure as a genocidal fascist with exterminationist tendencies who propagandises for terrorists, then it's up to that person to refute my arguments, and also the mendacious counter-arguments I'll deploy ad infinitum thereafter.

So I urge all of you to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Harry's Place on this issue. Remember, these are the same courts that refused to find against George Galloway, on the pitiful grounds that his accusers couldn't produce any reliable evidence against him.

Liberty, if it means anything, is the right to disparage whoever one likes in a consequence-free environment, and that applies just as much to known anti-semitic scum like Sawalha as it does to thousands of random political opponents we don't like.

Failed State

Country In Chaos

Fayld Stayt

1. A State which has failed to elect a government sufficiently congenial to the foreign policy aims of the Republicans and/or Israel, and requires an intervention to adjust the population's attitude.

2. A State which will not be receiving a Christmas card from the League of Democracies this year.

3. Slanderous term used to describe Iraq, a nation where an intervention has granted the population the freedom to decide whether they are tortured to death by the Republicans or the fascists, and the people give daily thanks that they do not live in Alternative Iraq.

Updated - George Orwell

Historical Figure (1903-1950)

Novelist, political commentator and Patron Saint of Decency, George Orwell's ideas form the basis of modern Muscular Liberalism.

While he garners much respect for having physically confronted fascism by enlisting to fight in the Spanish Civil War, he is particularly lionised by Muscular Liberals for his political writings.

His most important and relevant works heap derision upon elitist Hampstead liberals and the Ivory Tower intelligentsia, rigorously refuting and ridiculing their moral relativism and liberal guilt.

Orwell was also the celebrated author of works on linguistic accuracy in political speech, inspiring Decents to eschew all forms of propaganda and weasel words when arguing.

His influence upon Decency cannot be overstated, and all over Britain hundreds of committed Muscular Liberals dedicate themselves to ensuring that his vision becomes reality.


An Anatomy of Decency - How Orwell's Vision Was Realised




Problematically, however, historians tend to gloss over Orwell's psychotic hatred of elephants, which he hunted and executed by the thousand, gunning them down without mercy while laughing in celebration.


Selected Bibliography

Homage To Catalonia - Entertaining knock-about larks in Spain, in which the author comes to realise that physically fighting fascists in wars should be secondary to penning venomous screeds denouncing The Left.

Notes On Nationalism - Fiery polemic dissecting the tendency of useful idiots to don ideological blinkers that prevent them from perceiving politically inconvenient facts, leading to the acceptance of irrational, illogical and highly partisan beliefs, like a gaggle of unstoppably dense football supporters.

Animal Farm - Cautionary tale describing how the Far Left became everything it once despised by allying itself with its former foes, rather than working democratically with Man to incrimentally advance the cause of Animalkind.

Politics And The English Language - Masterclass in the art of Decent discourse.

1984 - Novel exploring the use of euphemism and selective memory as a tool of control. Required reading for Muscular Liberals.

External sources: Politics and the English Language by George Orwell, British Writer Sought After Elephant-Shooting Spree, Guardian Online

(Cough, Cough, Mumble)

Rhetorical Ploy

Koff-Koff Mumm-bal

The intermediate stage in the typical tripartite Decent foreign policy initiative, book-ended by the initial confrontation of fascism and the final democratisation of tyrannies endgame, leading to yet another giant forward step in the march of liberty. (See also, magical ponies.)

Worryingly flimsy rhetorical plywood bridging the yawning chasm that separates the moral imperative from the positive policy outcome.

"Friends, it is vital to the future of peace in the region that we support the Iraqi Trade Unions, while glossing over their continued opposition to the American occupation. We must continue to show solidarity with their cause until... (Cough, Cough, Mumble) ... at which point the Iraqi people will finally defeat Islamist obscurantism and tyranny."

(Cheers, cries of "Hooray for democracy!")

"Indeed, I say to you that now is also the time to stand up to the tyrants of the Chinese Communist Party!"

(Wild applause, Hoo-ah!s)

"And not only that, but all nations must boycott the forthcoming Beijing Olympic Games, thus forcing the Chinese authorities to... (Cough, Mumble, Cough) ... a free Tibet and a democratic China! Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"

(Hysteria, palpatations, speaking in tongues)

Alternatively, the Jurassic Park Fallacy, after the laughable 1990 Michael Crichton novel and subsequent film, in which idealistic scientists somehow manage to create viable dinosaurs from some DNA and some damn fresh air.

Administrative Notes 6

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