Party Issues Artistic Purge List 2010

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Administrative Notes - Resonance FM Interview

Your less-than-humble host interviewed here, on the rise and fall of Decency in the realm of foreign policy and the General Election. I also do children's parties, on request.

Arise, Ye Warriors Of Decency!

Congratulations to all Encyclopedia readers, as news reaches Muscular Manor that the Israeli Knesset has embarked on a new crackdown on human rights NGOs. The latest proposals would allow the Israeli government to close down any NGO on entirely spurious and heavily fictionalised allegations of treachery.

Coming so soon after the previous crackdown's restrictions on the movement of human rights NGOs' employees, this fresh move amounts to an entirely deliberate and Dalek-esque attempt to exterminate the concept of "oversight" under the hilarious pretence that everyone in the entire universe is a racist psychopath hell-bent on Israel's destruction.

In short, it appears that we may be on the cusp of achieving the Decent dream of a world in which the IDF will be able to imprison and/or kill the fuck out of whoever it likes, whenever it likes, without having to answer a lot of impertinent questions.

None of this could've been achieved without your contribution, dear reader, for polls now reveal that...

More than half of Jewish Israelis think human rights organizations that expose immoral behavior by Israel should not be allowed to operate freely, and think there is too much freedom of expression here, a recent survey found. (Haaretz)

To be clear - the Israeli people did not wake up one morning suddenly filled with the deranged belief that human rights NGOs are jammed to the hoop with pro-terrorist, genocidal Nazis who need to be jailed. It took a long, monomaniacal and completely insane campaign of misinformation, fraudulent non-scandals and outright propaganda to reach the point where these crackdowns would be possible.

So arise, ye warriors of Decency! Whether you wholeheartedly joined in the wingnutty circle-jerk over Amnesty International and the awful terrorists or merely pretended to be terrified that Human Rights Watch was employing actual, jackbooted Nazi stormtroopers, it is your efforts that have led to this glorious outcome.

Candidly, our furious bullshit campaigns against NGOs have been so obviously premised on utter bad faith and tissue-thin innuendo that it has taken years of hard work to reach the point where the Israeli government can crush anyone and everyone who tries to draw attention to its astonishingly bad behaviour.

Our record of trumping up these hysterically dishonest and see-through allegations into a massive media bullshit explosion of blatantly fake concern about non-existent pro-Jihadism is second to none, and has played an important role in creating this situation.

So give yourselves a pat on the back, muscular liberals! You yourself may not literally have shot a Palestinian woman in the face with total impunity from scrutiny or accountability, but it's thanks in no small part to you that all of tomorrow's horrific Israeli human rights violations will take place in a media and judicial vaccuum.

Well done, to each and every one of you.

The Court of Decency vs. Amnesty International

Interim Report

(With the Decent Jihad on Amnesty International well underway, the Court of Decency has issued its interim findings on the latest witchhunt against a human rights organisation...)

1. Amnesty International is in partnership with and promoting CagePrisoners

Status: UNDETERMINED.

Amnesty vehemently deny any official relationship at all with CagePrisoners, a foolish gambit given we all know that they are literally in cahoots with the Taliban and praying for the victory of fundamentalist Islam.

2. The head of Amnesty Asia has condemned the organisation

Status: UNDETERMINED.

Sam Zafiri, Amnesty's Asia Pacific director, was reported by the Times journalist who first broke the BullshitGate story to have called upon Amnesty to "admit it had made a mistake" by allowing Moazzam Begg to speak. Zafiri has since said he was misquoted, which means he must surely have called upon Amnesty's UK directors to commit suicide by disembowelling themselves instead.

3. Amnesty is giving Begg a platform to espouse his nutty beliefs.

Status: FALSE.

Begg has only ever spoken about the secret black prison network in which he was held, and into which an unknown number of innocent and guilty individuals have vanished, many of whom have been tortured for false confessions or murdered. Amnesty has no place drawing attention to the legitimate torture and national security operations of western democracies, and referring to the US black prison network is surely just as bad as Amnesty calling for Jihad on western democracy itself.

4. Amnesty is soft on Islamists in general and the Taliban in particular.

Status: FALSE.

Amnesty's latest work on the Taliban is available here and is, admittedly, somewhat short on kisses and hugs and long on documenting human rights violations. Mind, you'll notice they Condemn the Taliban, but the question is, do they Denounce them? Do they Castigate and Excoriate them?

5. Gita Saghal was suspended for objecting to Amnesty's promotion of Begg.

Status: FALSE.

The sequence of events leading to Saghal's suspension is clear. She took part in an internal debate at Amnesty on their decision to allow Begg to speak, which she lost. Rather than resign or accept Amnesty's decision, she took her complaint to News International. Thus, Saghal was suspended for attacking the organisation in the Murdoch press, which is almost exactly the same as being suspended for her moral rectitude.

6. As a whistleblower, Saghal should be protected from victimisation.

Status: FALSE.

All of the relevant information was already in the press before Saghal spoke to the press, thus she is not a whistleblower. Nor is she being victimised, since every organisation on Earth would suspend an employee in this situation.

The Court finds that Amnesty should, however, hold itself to far higher standards than every other organisation on Earth and allow its employees to denounce it in the national press. After all, we all remember how it was totally fine when Katherine Gun leaked news that the United States had been bugging UN delegations in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq, to pick a random example.

Conclusion

On the above evidence, the Court Of Decency has no choice but to find Amnesty International hideously guilty of all charges. The fiends.

Amnesty International is hereby sentenced to twenty years of re-education by Oliver Kamm in respecting the human rights of all individuals not currently being bombed, shot, tortured or extrajudicially detained by the armed forces of the United States of America, Great Britain or Israel.

The Court also commends the following agents for building this airtight and in no way misleading case against Amnesty: Denis MacShane MP; Christopher Hitchens; Harry's Place; David Aaronovitch; Martin Bright; Nick Cohen; Norman Geras; The Times; Melanie Philips and others.

Without your sterling efforts comrades, this patchwork of misleading claims, bald deceptions and outright hysterical lies would never have reached the international press.

(Cheers are due to Pickled Politics)

You Are The Decent Ref - Human Rights NGO Edition

1) A Humanitarian NGO that does fine work exposing the crimes and atrocities of dictatorships worldwide has recently begun to criticise the Departures From Universal Principles of nations that are uncritically supported by the Decent Left.

You then discover that a hideous gaggle of despicable right-wing lunatic bastards have unearthed proof that a military analyst who works for the NGO collects World War II memorabilia, including German army issue kit and insignia, and are engaged in a wingnut circlejerk of the utmost ferocity aimed at damaging the NGO as badly as possible.

What do you do?

a) Nothing. Jesus, a military analyst who's also a massive World War II geek with a fetish for uniforms? What next, a football fan who likes lager and pies?

b) The NGO risks harm to its reputation, thus harming its ability to publicise human rights violations by tyrants and totalitarians. Type up a short blog post expressing your concern and calling upon the NGO to investigate and, if necessary, discipline or fire the analyst in question.

c) Publish post after post after post furiously denouncing the NGO, feigning concern for its reputation and good works while actually striving to inflict as much damage upon it as possible, while inviting a massive crowd of baying right wing fuckheads to defecate liberally over the NGO by painting it as a malign conspiracy of Jew-hating, anti-western Nazi bastards?


2) A Humanitarian NGO that does fine work exposing the crimes and atrocities of dictatorships worldwide has recently begun to criticise the Departures From Universal Principles of nations that are uncritically supported by the Decent Left.

You then discover that the NGO is hosting public appearances by a former inmate of a massive American black prison network with a long record of disappearances, arbitrary detention, torture and murder; the former inmate, however, holds deranged and unpleasant Islamist views.

What do you do?

a) Nothing. Jesus, the whole point of human rights is that they're universal. It's entirely obvious that states will crack down on extremists and nutters as much as they will on peaceful democratic dissidents, and any human rights org worth its salt will take both cases equally seriously. Plus, what the fuck? Torture and black prisons?

b) The NGO risks harm to its reputation, thus harming its ability to publicise human rights violations by tyrants and totalitarians. Type up a short blog post expressing your concern and calling upon the NGO to investigate and, if necessary, discipline or fire anyone found to have taken actions that are in conflict with the organisation's founding principles.

c) Publish post after post after post furiously denouncing the NGO while feigning concern for its reputation and good works and actually striving to inflict as much damage upon it as possible, while inviting a massive crowd of baying right wing fuckheads to defecate liberally over the NGO by painting it as a Jew-hating, Jihadist-fellating anti-western conspiracy and, further, using the issue as a stick to beat your political enemies and launching a fucking Facebook campaign?

3) A large number of Humanitarian NGOs that do fine work exposing the crimes and atrocities of dictatorships worldwide have recently begun to criticise the Departures From Universal Principles of nations that are uncritically supported by the Decent Left.

You then discover absolutely any scrap of pissweak propagandistic horseshit that may damage the NGO and discredit their attempts to hold Democrats to minimum international humanitarian standards by implying that war, torture and murder may not be entertaining and laudible activities.

What do you do?

a) Nothing. Jesus, you may not agree with everything that NGOs do and may strongly disagree with some of it, but you appreciate that launching a series of vindictive and spiteful hate campaigns against the world's leading humanitarian organisations would be counterproductive and wrong-headed.

b) The NGO risks harm to lunatic, bloodthirsty and disastrous military misadventures unconditionally supported by the Decent Left, thus harming western nations' ability to launch insane and murderous bombing campaigns against heavily populated urban areas and to operate a secret network of black prisons. Type up a short blog post expressing your concern and calling upon the NGO to consider whether war, surgical strikes, arbitrary detention, torture, murder and disappearances are really worth getting all steamed up about, in the midst of a Global War on Terror.

c) Immediately seize upon any old bullshit that damages the NGO in question by pretending that the International Red Cross may have collaborated with terrorists to bomb their own ambulance, using a risible pack of wingnut lies published by a hideous shower of evil right wing bastards as evidence; Reprint a pack of dubious What If? bollocks from a well-known Republican cretin implying that Human Rights Watch conspires with the Saudi regime to falsely attack Israel; Reprint a mad Israeli wingnut's attempts to hurl huge handfuls of shit at HRW by accusing one of its employees of loving terrorists and terrorism; Instantly shit your pants in terror when an Amnesty official compares the Americans' secret torture, murder and arbitrary detention network of black prisons the Gulag; Issue a full-throated defence of international disappearance and arbitrary detention or a masturbatory Real-Men-Ain't-Afraid-Of-Torturin'-a-Bad-'Un display of belligerent machismo; call for "morally serious" people to have a debate on torture, an issue which deserves careful consideration, and generally make it clear that opposition to western human rights violations is the preserve of ivory tower-dwellling pro-Islamists who pray for the destruction of western civilisation?

Answers

Mostly a)

If you like Jihadistan so much, why don't you fuck off and live there, you relativist, genocidal Osama Bin Liberal bastard?

Mostly b)

There's a time and place for level-headed, rational discussion, and it's never and somewhere else.

Mostly c)

Congratulations - you are a morally serious, level-headed Decent. Our deranged plan to suicide bomb every left-wing organisation and institution on the face of the planet into submission, in the insane hope that a new, more politically acceptable network of human rights organisations will automatically spring into existence on the day of the Rapture, proceeds apace. Onwards to an ill-defined and probably fantastical victory, comrades!

Arrogance

Despicable Self-Righteousness

1. Disgusting anti-war groupthink of sniffy left wingers, contending that there were no good reasons for supporting an insane, half-arsed, ill-defined and transparently doomed militaristic clusterfuck led by morons with support from the undead cast of Iran/Contra: The Musical.

2. The dogmatic certainty that a war that resulted in horrifyingly brutal civil strife and mass slaughter, sectarian partition, the rocket-propelled national decline of the invaders, the invaded nation and all of their allies in the region, plus the vast empowerment of reactionaries and lunatics, was somehow a bad idea.

By hewing to the bien-pensant party line, liberals on the internet have perpetrated possibly the most tragic injustice of the 21st century in implying that an elderly academic's opinions are cretinous, deluded and cracked, leaving him feeling somewhat slighted.

Source: "Why can't those who opposed the war admit that I cheerled this easily-avoidable, murderous catastrophe in good faith?", Normblog: Extract from page 388, Chapter Seven, Book Nine of the Professor's thirty two-volume epic poem "Just Because It Was a Disaster Doesn't Mean I Was Wrong, You Snotty Liberal Bastards".

Emboldened

The Wages of Wussiness

1. Superhuman status acquired by terrorists if and when citizens refuse to endorse insane government policy (x).

"We must remember that we are at war and that, if we fail in our responsibility to dispense with the judicial system/look up your arse with this enormous camera/bomb Hong Kong to smithereens, our enemies will be emboldened".

2. Supervillain status that would have been acquired by Saddam Hussein if Parliament had refused to endorse the liberation of Iraq.

"Having put in place the necessary military forces to remove Saddam Hussein, he would have been emboldened if we had then refused to remove him".

"With respect Mr. Blair, I do not recall a frenzied public clamour for the deployment of 200,000 British and American soldiers to Iraq's borders. For you to then blackmail the country into precipitate military action because of a situation that you have yourself consciously created seems rather -"

"Yes, indeed. He would've been entirely emboldened, as would have been his sons."

3. Following the whipping out of the Prime Ministerial penis in Parliament, the argument that those opposed to immediate and copious public urination across the front and back benches would, intentionally or otherwise, like to hold hands with fascists and kiss them on the lips and everything.

4. Terroristic state of depravity somewhat worse than underlined and significantly worse than italicised.

The White House Tapes

(Rush transcript - Oval Office recorder 1.4 - start time 14.29, 1/23/10)


RAHM EMMANUEL: You wanted to see me, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yes, Rahm. Take a seat. We may have... (Oratically brilliant Presidential pause) ...a rather significant problem.

EMMANUEL: Yes sir. Can I take it you're referring to the column in today's London Observer?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: It's a Goddamn disaster, Rahm! Nick Cohen has sunk this administration! Why, with his incredibily accurate skewering of our moral cowardice and insane urge to assist the Chinese with their inhuman oppression of Tibet, he's utterly crushed my presidency. (Panic-stricken relativist sobs).

EMMANUEL: It does rather look that way, sir. Have you considered how we're going to explain this to the Bien-Pensant Liberal Leftists, Whose Tendency To Pay Lip Service To Human Rights Is So Common In Our Times?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Never mind them. What are we going to say to the Superficially-Leftish So-Called Progressives Who Believe That Democracy Is An Imperialist Ideology? I mean, this Cohen guy is telling his readers that I didn't mention women's rights in my Cairo speech!

EMMANUEL: Well, we checked that sir, and it appears that you dedicated a whole section of your Cairo speech to women's rights. It looks rather like Cohen may have brutally fucked the dog on that one, since your remarks are on page seven of the text Cohen links to. We don't know whether that's part of his fiendish scheme to undermine you, or possibly that he decides what's going into his columns before he researches them, like a second-rate hack who can't be fucked to check his sources.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Obviously it's the former, Rahm. This guy is too smart to be just some second-rate hack who can't be fucked to check his sources. I mean... (Charismatic yet some how effete and elitist flourish) ...My God, he's put the Henry Jackson Society on my case!

EMMANUEL: There's no disguising it sir - your presidency can't survive a bad write-up from a tiny clique of pointy-headed, no-dick academic ideologues prattling about war and swooning over belligerent-sounding bullshit.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: That's the whole point! I knew I should've spent less time dealing with the catastrophic financial and military clusterfucks I inherited and much more time barking and woofing like a demented chihuahua. I mean, you remember what the Republicans did when the Russians invaded Georgia?

EMMANUEL: I sure do, sir - the Republicans all sat up on their hind legs and began yammering about how Putin was Hitler and how he'd better quit it right now, or else! Then the Russians took a huge, steaming dump on the White House lawn by smashing the Georgian military, then occupying South Ossetia and proclaiming it independent.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Exactly! Those fruity Republican losers might have achieved exactly bugger all and wound up looking like prize chumps, but they sounded tough, damn it! (Sneers at liberal values) ...And now this Cohen guy is telling the world that I cancelled our missile defence scheme to get into Putin's good books!

EMMANUEL: I guess when we told people we were cancelling missile defence because it was a ruinously expensive and totally unworkable pile of utter, useless bullshit designed entirely to enrich weapons contractors, Cohen just saw right through our story. I have to admit, he's good.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Too good. This stuff about how I failed to support the Iranian opposition in their hour of need... (Operatic flourish, twirl) ...Not only that, I referred to their country as The Islamic Republic of Iran, as if the ayatollahs owned it.

EMMANUEL: Yes. Why did you do that, sir?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: (Thumps desk in puny outburst of impotent rage that wouldn't frighten a Jihadist mouse) ...Because I've wilfully blinded myself to the urgent threat of Islamist fascism and fallen prey to the language of appeasement and easy moral equivalence, that's why! Don't you remember anything?

EMMANUEL: Of course, Mr. President, I forgot.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Cohen's right. If only I'd gone on television and thrown an epic tantrum, calling the mullahs bastards and telling the protesters we'd back them up with nuclear warheads, Iran might be an oasis of tranquility and democracy by now. (Shakes head, sneers at the oppressed) ...You know, I feel pretty relativist, ergo racist and disdainful of brown people's freedom, right now. I've got to do something to regain the initiative.

EMMANUEL: Might I suggest that you arrange a press conference and call Mahmoud Ahmadinejad something like Arseface McStalin? You could call him a Nazi and a totalitarian, then everything would work out fine.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: That's just for starters! (Suddenly engorged with masculine vigour and dictator-repelling moral certitude) ...I want you to order our ambassador in Beijing to construct a fifty-foot tall papier-mache human hand giving the finger on the roof, then have the staff stand around shouting Fuck you Chinese Commie arseholes! into megaphones.

EMMANUEL: Brilliant, sir. The Communist regime will fold instantly and the Chinese will surely elect a pro-western liberal democratic government within days. Anything else?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Send a photo of Hillary Clinton's sagging, pendulous ass to Kim Jong Il... And nuke Antarctica. It won't achieve anything, but it'll make us look tough and manly, and isn't that the important thing?

EMMANUEL: It certainly is, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh, and phone Hugo Chavez and tell him I think he's a fat, tedious cunt.

EMMANUEL: And what will that achieve, sir?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Absolutely nothing, Rahm! That's the whole point of empty, bellicose rhetoric and foolhardy gestures designed to impress cretins! (Testosterone explosion devastates Oval Office causing women to swoon, overcome by presidential machismo, as far away as El Salvador).

(Transcript ends)

Dementia

Mental Disorder Afflicting Everybody Else

Debilitating condition causing the vast majority of the planet's population to believe that certain epic foreign policy clusterfucks and horrific bloodbaths may have been the product of political skullduggery rather than simple ideological idiocy.

Distortionary psychological blinkers inexplicably leading to the conclusion that Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell may have packed their case for calamitous war with dubious assertions, questionable intelligence and cut 'n' pasted bullshit because they were dishonest rather than wildly irresponsible and cretinous.

Woeful condition chiefly afflicting those liberals who preferred to leave Saddam Hussein in power by not bombing Iraq to pieces with no plans for reconstruction, governance or withdrawal, rather than invading Iraq with their fingers crossed for luck and then blaming the ensuing catastrophe on the liberals.

Sources - I'm Just Begging To Be Fired Now by Nick Cohen and I Supported This Insane Plan With Good Intentions, You Liberal Bastards by Professor Norm.