Universal Principles

Moral Framework

Yoo-Nih-Verr-Sull Prin-Sip-Puhls

1. Seemingly rigid set of intellectual beliefs based upon various human rights declarations and conventions on war which, on closer inspection, appear to contain great gaping logical canyons wide enough to pilot seven aircraft carriers, 1500 tanks, 400 artillery pieces and 200,000 soldiers through.

2. Principles with which everyone in the Universe should agree, the details of which are entirely subject to the whims of their authors and are subject to alteration at any time, without prior notification.

3. Rock-solid framework for the protection of civilians and the resolution of conflicts that would be a hell of a lot easier to grasp if it weren't for that distracting whoosh of mobile goalposts.

Civilians

Surprisingly Fluid Military Status

Non-combatant persons against whom it is expressly forbidden to take military action, unless [Insert today's tissue-thin, exculpatory rationalisation].

Civilians are the infantry of The Greatest Intellectual Struggle Of Our Time (TGISOOT), and should thus be spent wisely.

Civilians killed in TGISOOT fall into five categories -

a) Innocent civilians - generally us, or any non-military personnel killed by them;

b) Regrettable deaths - Persons located within a fifty-meter radius of a terrorist, tragically obliterated in a surgical strike, for which the terrorist is responsible.

Civilians whom democrats take the greatest care to avoid harming while deliberately bombing them.

Also known as Human Shields - persons located within a fifty-meter radius of a terrorist, thus shielding Decents from having to think too much about the humanity of said persons while they are being bombed by Democrats.

c) Invisible civilians - Persons allegedly killed by Democrats, as reported by the Academic/Media Complex in order to make civilised nations look bad. Thousands of putative people who probably never existed, having possibly been entirely invented by the Red Cross or The Lancet, for whose likely fictional "deaths" terrorists are responsible.

d) Jihadist civilians - Alleged civilians who were probably terrorists anyway, who were thus asking to be blown to smithereens, for whose wholly-justified deaths terrorists are responsible, and

e) The little children - minors who have been bombed and are subsequently photographed while being kissed better by military doctors, before they are sent back home to be bombed all over again, for which terrorists bear responsibility.

See also, Al-Qaedification, Terrorism-By-Proxy, Terrorists Are Bad.

From This Weekend's Protests

Pictures from Saturday's march against the Israeli bombing of Gaza, below...
































...And pictures from this morning's wonderful pro-Israel, pro-peace march.

Truly, pictures speak louder than words.

Balance

Like "News", Only More So

Bah-Lanse

1. Of news-gathering and reporting agencies, the practice of relating world events in a manner that does not offend the fucknut prejudices of ones head-banging political constituency.

2. Of Some Guy With a Website, the practice of instantly leaping to the most one-eyed, crack-addled, arse-brained position on any particular issue, and using implications of racism and bias as a stick with which to beat one's political enemies to death.

Example 1. When The Guardian declares that the team one supports are Using a Sledgehammer to Crack a Nut, one should pen a lengthy column contending that the Sledgehammers do not exist, and that the Nuts are genocidal terrorists.

Example 2. When the team you support then publicly announce that they have requested an emergency shipment of Sledgehammers from the Republicans to help with the Nut-Cracking, one should instantly question the suspicious obsessions of The Guardian and condemn George Galloway.

"That's why Nick Cohen is a must-read - he provides much-needed balance... Thank God for the Decent Dole."

Reports

Rock-Solid Sourcing/Despicable Lies

Ree-Pohrts

1. 100% accurate information about teleporting terrorists gleaned from the armed forces of one's government after after they have bombed a military target in a surgical strike.

"Credible reports indicate that several thousand heavily-armed terrorists were identified at the scene moments before the attack, but evaporated like fascistic steam a split-second before the cruise missiles tragically blew the Red Cross hospital to smithereens."

2. Thought-provoking information that should not be dismissed out of hand, as gleaned from Some Guy With a Website. Esp. any information suggesting that the armed forces of one's government may not have bombed the military target after all, and that the real culprits were mysterious, teleporting terrorists.

"Interesting reports indicate that the "Red Cross" "doctors" and "nurses" "killed" at the scene may in fact have been heavily-armed terrorists... As Zombietime reports, when you rewind the film of the attack, you can see that the "civilians" spontaneously jump up off the floor, walls and ceiling and magically stick their limbs and heads back onto their suddenly-unharmed torsos, before walking away... Backwards."

3. Despicable totalitarian propaganda about unverified, alleged bombing, as credulously reported by the Academic/Media Complex to demonise democrats.

"Hysterical reports indicate that 20 "Red Cross" "doctors" and "nurses" were "killed" at the scene, but regular readers will have seen last week's Zombietime reports which proved that - (Cough, Cough, Mumble) ... selflessly and deliberately sacrifice their own soldiers to minimise civilian casualties."

4. Disgusting rhetorical inflation of alleged bombing, if not outright collaboration with fascists, as commonly practiced by Humanitarian NGO's to demonise democrats.

"Incredible reports indicate that the Red Cross deliberately bombed its own doctors and nurses because it is - (Cough, Mumble, Cough) ...rough bumsex with the Mullahs and hot, steamy, no-holes-barred action with Hezbollah and Hamas."

Remarkably subjective data disproving once and for all the possibility of death itself.

See also - On The Deaths In Jabalya; Massaging The News; Every Loon On The Internet For The Next Three Weeks

The Bruschetta Awards 2008, Part One

What a year it's been for Muscular Liberalism, with a plethora of hot wars over which to wax priapic and a cavalcade of vacant-skulled lefties to denounce. Some had feared that the epic clusterfuck that was the invasion and occupation of Iraq might dull the lustre of the Decent Left, but they have proved in spectacular style that there is literally no military disaster so enormous and horrifying that it can't be shamelessly blown off as an irrelevance.

And so the time has come to hand out the gongs for the most outstanding contribution to Decent discourse...

First off, let us bow our heads in deep respect to Marko Attilla Hoare, who carries off the Sara Lee Award for the simultaneous retention and consumption of cake for his diagram-doodling skills.

Unlike his fellow Decents, Mr. Attilla Hoare was not content to cuddle up to right wing lunatics and espouse terrible right wing ideas, while insisting that he represents the real left. Rather, he dumped the old Left/Right political divide entirely and created a new system in which he and his new wingnut pals are the Goodies and those who disagree are the Baddies. Hats off, sir - lesser men would be too embarrassed to attempt such hilarious mental gymnastics, but you have dared to dream.

Mr. Attilla Hoare also carries off the Bellicosity Bauble for the promotion of unwinnable wars for his antics during the Russo-Georgian war - a conflict that much of the world believed was being fought in Georgia, between the states of Georgia and Russia. Mr. Attilla Hoare knew better, and proclaimed that the Russians were in fact making war upon Israel, that it was thus 1939 and he was Churchill.

"So by any reckoning, Putin’s kill-toll at the present time is worse than Hitler’s was at the time of Munich. Having said that, I’m entirely ready to recognise the differences between Hitler and Putin." MAH, 21st August 2008

Indeed - Hitler was Austrian and is dead, whereas Putin is Russian and alive. Apart from that, they're indistinguishable. Well done, sir.

The Coalface Gong for the denunciation of the despicable views of hypothetical middle class liberals goes to "Clothes For Chaps" writer Andrew Anthony, for his Stakhanovite mining graft down The Guardian's pit.

The Wankshaft Award For Barking-Wingnuttery-Dressed-Up-As-Left-Analysis could've gone to Nasty Nick Cohen for his column Nelson Mandela Is A Gutless Pussy; he could've won it for his column Right-Wing Psychos Aren't Harsh Enough On Liberals, and he only just missed out with his column Sarah Palin Is Lovely And The Left Are Bastards.

In the end, Nick couldn't produce a piece of wingnut lunacy that was barking enough to compete with Democratiya editor Alan Johnson's decision to publish a softball interview with wingnut loon and doom-bonkers racial obsessive Dr. Andrew Bostom. A masterstroke, and a golden moment in Decency that should be recalled every time Johnson decries "the left's alliance with nasty right wingers".

And finally for this segment, kudos is due to Denis MacShane MP, whose indefatigable research into racist, trendy dinner parties earns him the Islingtonian Award for anecdotal anti-semitism. Thanks to him, we are all now aware of the alleged conversational habits of nameless, notional liberals at the unspecified dinner parties of modish London.

Gentlemen, you are an example to us all. Congratulations!