The Encyclopedia Of Decency

Libya and the Left: Benghazi and After

2011-11-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

Guest post by Michael Bauble, expert on left wing thought

In March 2011, a massacre was averted in Libya - not an ordinary massacre, mind you, but a really nasty one, with an entire city being smashed and pounded to rubble with heavy weaponry and arbitrary execution of civilians and captured fighters by Gaddafi's thugs.

The Nato-led attack on Libya saved Benghazi from this fate, by smashing and pounding a different Libyan city to rubble with heavy weaponry and with arbitrary execution of civilians and captured fighters by rebel thugs instead.

This totally awesome outcome sent a clear message to other authoritarian governments - if you're going to intentionally rub out thousands of civilians in pursuit of political goals, don't start destroying heavily-populated urban areas around the ears of residents or empowering gangs of militia to crack down violently on ethnic minorities.

At least, not without first making sure that you ask the UN for a mandate to "protect civilians".

By authorising Nato to take action to "protect civilians" then looking on in horror as Nato helped to protect tens of thousands of Libyans to death, the UN recovered some of the legitimacy it previously lost for not allowing western nations to blow up whatever they like, whenever they like, for whatever reasons they like.

The Arab League would later protest that Nato air strikes exceeded the resolution's mandate, but nobody cares what a bunch of jumped-up sheikhs think about anything. If they were stupid enough to hand Nato a blank cheque for maximal violence, they should at least have had the decency to keep quiet, once Nato started blowing shit up.

In the United States, Dennis Kucinich pointed out that the president of the United States doesn't have the authority to just blow up whatever shit he likes, whenever he likes, for whatever reasons he likes. It's almost too easy to trot out the hoary old allegation that Dennis Kucinich was objectively pro-Gaddafi, so here goes...

Dennis Kucinich was objectively pro-Gaddafi, and also wants to give Gaddafi a big kiss on the lips and be his boyfriend and hold hands with him like a girl.

It was possible to oppose American intervention in Libya for legitimate reasons. One could point out that Nato traded the total destruction of one city for the destruction of another and empowered one gang of cold-blooded killers at the expense of another, but nobody should actually point this out.

If we're going to criticise the war, we should do it with some weak-ass objections that even the most cretinous Sensible Liberal can easily swat, and definitely not with substantive criticisms that don't have any easy answers.

From the outset, the American left adopted very traitorous and pro-tyranny positions, asking why we were so very upset about vicious crackdowns in Libya but were entirely content to watch other countries that we like killing the fuck out of their citizens without saying a word.

This is a difficult question to answer without honestly reassessing some very uncomfortable questions, so let's just say that it's all, like, complicated man; imply that anyone asking it is basically evil and then leave it at that.

After all, if an antiwar movement can't get behind an opportunistic assassination/regime change wheeze in which the side we're supporting is murdering civilians because of the colour of their skin, then it probably can't get behind any mad schemes of exemplary violence, and that's no fun for anyone, is it?

Instead of cheering for war, the left succumbed to that old chestnut Obama Derangement Syndrome - that crazed, hard-leftist belief that the President shouldn't export extreme violence to any nation on Earth, just because it seems like a good idea to him.

I am not insisting that support for Nato military action in Libya should have been a litmus test issue for the left.

I am simply saying that any leftist who didn't support it is a hideous, pro-Gaddafi cock-wrangler who should probably get out of my sight before I flip out, start bellowing cursewords and insults at the top of my voice and throwing tables around the room like the Incredible Hulk on a Jagermeister binge.

All we need to know on the left is that the US is involved in killing tens of thousands of people all over the Middle East and Africa for reasons that range from dubious to insane, and then we automatically know that the action is wrong.

For the left, knee-jerk opposition to America's retarded, ultraviolent and counter-productive military adventures should be opposed because they are American, and certainly not because we object to America's a track record of wiping out tens of thousands of people for no sane reason.

Ten years ago, Michael Walzer asked if there could be a "Decent Left". After ten years of constant mockery, it's clear that the time has come to put a new shade of lipstick on the Decent pig. Clearly, the reason why the Decent Left failed to troll everyone into buying their own dishonest, hacktacular politics is because we gave ourselves a silly name, and certainly not because we are dishonest and hacktacular.

I suggest the "Internationalist Left", by which I mean the lockstep-support-for-whatever-crazy-schemes-for-revolutionary-violence-the-American-government-fancies-left, although it's probably better if we pretend that it really means something about freedom from tyranny and humanitarianism. After all, it worked so very well the last time.

After Benghazi, the left has a difficult question to answer - Do you support the use of extreme violence in highly dangerous and unpredictable situations by politicians who openly lie to their citizens, or do you want to give Colonel Gaddafi's corpse a big cuddle like a girl?

Eh? EH?

Party Issues Artistic Purge List 2010

2010-11-15T06:40:00.000-08:00

-----FOR IMMEDIATE CIRCULATION ALL PARTY MEMBERS -------

GLORIOUS NEWS COMRADES STOP PARTY ISSUES UPDATED PURGE LIST TREACHEROUS ARTISTIC BADTHINKERS STOP ALL PARTY MEMBERS REQUIRED TO EXPUNGE FOLLOWING TRAITOROUS MUSICAL RECORDINGS FROM PERSONAL COLLECTIONS STOP

DISSENT WILL BE MET WITH IMMEDIATE CONDEMNATION AND EXPULSION STOP

PARTY MEMBERS WILL IMMEDIATELY DIVEST SELVES OF SEDITIOUS ARTISTIC MATERIALS OF PRIMAL SCREAM STOP EXTREME RISK OF IDEOLOGICAL INFECTION/CONTAMINATION VIA CHILDISH POLITICAL ANTICS OF PARTY ENEMY GILLESPIE STOP

PARTY MEMBERS TO PURGE WORKS OF ROGER WATERS STOP PARTY ENEMY WATERS GUILTY OF SEDITION AGAINST PARTY BY INAPPROPRIATE USAGE OF ISRAELI FLAG STOP

NOTE MEMBERS PERMITTED TO RETAIN POST-WATERS ALBUMS OF PINK FLOYD STOP MAXIMUM IMPORTANCE STOP DIVISION BELL BETTER ALBUM THAN DARK SIDE OF MOON STOP REPEAT DIVISION BELL BETTER ALBUM THAN DARK SIDE OF MOON STOP

PARTY MEMBERS TO IMMEDIATELY BURN AND DENOUNCE RECORDED MATERIALS BY THE PIXIES STOP DAMON ALBARN AND GORILLAZ STOP CARLOS SANTANA STOP ELVIS COSTELLO STOP GIL SCOTT HERON STOP ALL ARTISTS DECLARED +1 THOUGHTCRIMINALS ARTISTIC BOYCOTT OF ISRAEL BASTARDS STOP

PARTY MEMBERS CAUGHT IN POSSESSION OF CONTRABAND ARTISTIC MATERIALS WILL BE CONSIDERED BELLIGERENTS AGAINST PARTY AND EXECUTED STOP

REPEAT PARTY MEMBERS CAUGHT IN POSSESSION OF CONTRABAND ARTISTIC MATERIALS WILL BE CONSIDERED POLITICALLY CONFUSED AND ASKED POLITELY TO AMEND TREACHEROUS BEHAVIOUR WITHIN DEMOCRATIC NORMS STOP

PARTY MEMBERS WILL IMMEDIATELY ACQUIRE GLORIOUS ISRAEL FRIENDLY ARTISTIC OUTPUT OF FOLLOWING MUSICIANS STOP ROCK GOD ROD STEWART STOP FANTASTIC NOT SHIT ELTON JOHN STOP GROOVETASTIC STYLINGS JETHRO TULL STOP WONDERFUL JOHN LYDON STOP VERY GOOD GUNS N ROSES STOP

PARTY APPROVED ART SUPERIOR TO POLITICALLY DEBASED AND MUSICALLY TUNELESS TERRORIST ROCK STOP

ALL TOGETHER COMRADES STOP ITS THE CIRCLE OF LIFE STOP AND IT MOVES US ALL STOP THROUGH DESPAIR AND HOPE STOP THROUGH FAITH AND LOVE STOP TIL WE FIND OUR PLACE STOP ON THE PATH UNWINDING STOP IN THE CIRCLE STOP THE CIRCLE OF LIFE STOP

PARTY MEMBERS WILL NOW ENJOY MUSICAL STYLINGS OF COMRADE JOHN LYDON IN GLORIOUS ISRAEL FRIENDLY PERFORMANCE SEX PISTOLS SONG BELSEN WAS A GAS STOP

ONWARDS TO VICTORY OVER ARTISTIC DEVIATION COMRADES STOP DETAILS GLORIOUS LINEUP DECENTPALOOZA 2011 FOLLOWS PRESENTLY STOP

-----FOR IMMEDIATE CIRCULATION ALL PARTY MEMBERS -------

UPDATE 16/11 PARTY MEMBERS TO ACQUIRE RIGHTTHINK ALBUMS OF POLITICALLY USEFUL COMRADES PETE SEEGER AND LCD SOUND SYSTEM FOR IMMEDIATE GLORIFICATION STOP

WITH FEELING THIS TIME STOP WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE STOP LONG TIME PASSING STOP WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE STOP LONG TIME AGO STOP WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERS GONE STOP GIRLS HAVE PICKED THEM EVERY ONE STOP WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN STOP

PARTY MEMBERS WILL CONTINUE SINGING UNTIL ORDERED TO STOP

Administrative Notes - Resonance FM Interview

2010-05-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Your less-than-humble host interviewed here, on the rise and fall of Decency in the realm of foreign policy and the General Election. I also do children's parties, on request.

Arise, Ye Warriors Of Decency!

2010-05-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to all Encyclopedia readers, as news reaches Muscular Manor that the Israeli Knesset has embarked on a new crackdown on human rights NGOs. The latest proposals would allow the Israeli government to close down any NGO on entirely spurious and heavily fictionalised allegations of treachery.

Coming so soon after the previous crackdown's restrictions on the movement of human rights NGOs' employees, this fresh move amounts to an entirely deliberate and Dalek-esque attempt to exterminate the concept of "oversight" under the hilarious pretence that everyone in the entire universe is a racist psychopath hell-bent on Israel's destruction.

In short, it appears that we may be on the cusp of achieving the Decent dream of a world in which the IDF will be able to imprison and/or kill the fuck out of whoever it likes, whenever it likes, without having to answer a lot of impertinent questions.

None of this could've been achieved without your contribution, dear reader, for polls now reveal that...

More than half of Jewish Israelis think human rights organizations that expose immoral behavior by Israel should not be allowed to operate freely, and think there is too much freedom of expression here, a recent survey found. (Haaretz)

To be clear - the Israeli people did not wake up one morning suddenly filled with the deranged belief that human rights NGOs are jammed to the hoop with pro-terrorist, genocidal Nazis who need to be jailed. It took a long, monomaniacal and completely insane campaign of misinformation, fraudulent non-scandals and outright propaganda to reach the point where these crackdowns would be possible.

So arise, ye warriors of Decency! Whether you wholeheartedly joined in the wingnutty circle-jerk over Amnesty International and the awful terrorists or merely pretended to be terrified that Human Rights Watch was employing actual, jackbooted Nazi stormtroopers, it is your efforts that have led to this glorious outcome.

Candidly, our furious bullshit campaigns against NGOs have been so obviously premised on utter bad faith and tissue-thin innuendo that it has taken years of hard work to reach the point where the Israeli government can crush anyone and everyone who tries to draw attention to its astonishingly bad behaviour.

Our record of trumping up these hysterically dishonest and see-through allegations into a massive media bullshit explosion of blatantly fake concern about non-existent pro-Jihadism is second to none, and has played an important role in creating this situation.

So give yourselves a pat on the back, muscular liberals! You yourself may not literally have shot a Palestinian woman in the face with total impunity from scrutiny or accountability, but it's thanks in no small part to you that all of tomorrow's horrific Israeli human rights violations will take place in a media and judicial vaccuum.

Well done, to each and every one of you.

The Court of Decency vs. Amnesty International

2010-02-16T13:04:00.000-08:00

Interim Report

(With the Decent Jihad on Amnesty International well underway, the Court of Decency has issued its interim findings on the latest witchhunt against a human rights organisation...)

1. Amnesty International is in partnership with and promoting CagePrisoners

Status: UNDETERMINED.

Amnesty vehemently deny any official relationship at all with CagePrisoners, a foolish gambit given we all know that they are literally in cahoots with the Taliban and praying for the victory of fundamentalist Islam.

2. The head of Amnesty Asia has condemned the organisation

Status: UNDETERMINED.

Sam Zafiri, Amnesty's Asia Pacific director, was reported by the Times journalist who first broke the BullshitGate story to have called upon Amnesty to "admit it had made a mistake" by allowing Moazzam Begg to speak. Zafiri has since said he was misquoted, which means he must surely have called upon Amnesty's UK directors to commit suicide by disembowelling themselves instead.

3. Amnesty is giving Begg a platform to espouse his nutty beliefs.

Status: FALSE.

Begg has only ever spoken about the secret black prison network in which he was held, and into which an unknown number of innocent and guilty individuals have vanished, many of whom have been tortured for false confessions or murdered. Amnesty has no place drawing attention to the legitimate torture and national security operations of western democracies, and referring to the US black prison network is surely just as bad as Amnesty calling for Jihad on western democracy itself.

4. Amnesty is soft on Islamists in general and the Taliban in particular.

Status: FALSE.

Amnesty's latest work on the Taliban is available here and is, admittedly, somewhat short on kisses and hugs and long on documenting human rights violations. Mind, you'll notice they Condemn the Taliban, but the question is, do they Denounce them? Do they Castigate and Excoriate them?

5. Gita Saghal was suspended for objecting to Amnesty's promotion of Begg.

Status: FALSE.

The sequence of events leading to Saghal's suspension is clear. She took part in an internal debate at Amnesty on their decision to allow Begg to speak, which she lost. Rather than resign or accept Amnesty's decision, she took her complaint to News International. Thus, Saghal was suspended for attacking the organisation in the Murdoch press, which is almost exactly the same as being suspended for her moral rectitude.

6. As a whistleblower, Saghal should be protected from victimisation.

Status: FALSE.

All of the relevant information was already in the press before Saghal spoke to the press, thus she is not a whistleblower. Nor is she being victimised, since every organisation on Earth would suspend an employee in this situation.

The Court finds that Amnesty should, however, hold itself to far higher standards than every other organisation on Earth and allow its employees to denounce it in the national press. After all, we all remember how it was totally fine when Katherine Gun leaked news that the United States had been bugging UN delegations in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq, to pick a random example.

Conclusion

On the above evidence, the Court Of Decency has no choice but to find Amnesty International hideously guilty of all charges. The fiends.

Amnesty International is hereby sentenced to twenty years of re-education by Oliver Kamm in respecting the human rights of all individuals not currently being bombed, shot, tortured or extrajudicially detained by the armed forces of the United States of America, Great Britain or Israel.

The Court also commends the following agents for building this airtight and in no way misleading case against Amnesty: Denis MacShane MP; Christopher Hitchens; Harry's Place; David Aaronovitch; Martin Bright; Nick Cohen; Norman Geras; The Times; Melanie Philips and others.

Without your sterling efforts comrades, this patchwork of misleading claims, bald deceptions and outright hysterical lies would never have reached the international press.

(Cheers are due to Pickled Politics)

You Are The Decent Ref - Human Rights NGO Edition

2010-02-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

1) A Humanitarian NGO that does fine work exposing the crimes and atrocities of dictatorships worldwide has recently begun to criticise the Departures From Universal Principles of nations that are uncritically supported by the Decent Left.

You then discover that a hideous gaggle of despicable right-wing lunatic bastards have unearthed proof that a military analyst who works for the NGO collects World War II memorabilia, including German army issue kit and insignia, and are engaged in a wingnut circlejerk of the utmost ferocity aimed at damaging the NGO as badly as possible.

What do you do?

a) Nothing. Jesus, a military analyst who's also a massive World War II geek with a fetish for uniforms? What next, a football fan who likes lager and pies?

b) The NGO risks harm to its reputation, thus harming its ability to publicise human rights violations by tyrants and totalitarians. Type up a short blog post expressing your concern and calling upon the NGO to investigate and, if necessary, discipline or fire the analyst in question.

c) Publish post after post after post furiously denouncing the NGO, feigning concern for its reputation and good works while actually striving to inflict as much damage upon it as possible, while inviting a massive crowd of baying right wing fuckheads to defecate liberally over the NGO by painting it as a malign conspiracy of Jew-hating, anti-western Nazi bastards?

2) A Humanitarian NGO that does fine work exposing the crimes and atrocities of dictatorships worldwide has recently begun to criticise the Departures From Universal Principles of nations that are uncritically supported by the Decent Left.

You then discover that the NGO is hosting public appearances by a former inmate of a massive American black prison network with a long record of disappearances, arbitrary detention, torture and murder; the former inmate, however, holds deranged and unpleasant Islamist views.

What do you do?

a) Nothing. Jesus, the whole point of human rights is that they're universal. It's entirely obvious that states will crack down on extremists and nutters as much as they will on peaceful democratic dissidents, and any human rights org worth its salt will take both cases equally seriously. Plus, what the fuck? Torture and black prisons?

b) The NGO risks harm to its reputation, thus harming its ability to publicise human rights violations by tyrants and totalitarians. Type up a short blog post expressing your concern and calling upon the NGO to investigate and, if necessary, discipline or fire anyone found to have taken actions that are in conflict with the organisation's founding principles.

c) Publish post after post after post furiously denouncing the NGO while feigning concern for its reputation and good works and actually striving to inflict as much damage upon it as possible, while inviting a massive crowd of baying right wing fuckheads to defecate liberally over the NGO by painting it as a Jew-hating, Jihadist-fellating anti-western conspiracy and, further, using the issue as a stick to beat your political enemies and launching a fucking Facebook campaign?

3) A large number of Humanitarian NGOs that do fine work exposing the crimes and atrocities of dictatorships worldwide have recently begun to criticise the Departures From Universal Principles of nations that are uncritically supported by the Decent Left.

You then discover absolutely any scrap of pissweak propagandistic horseshit that may damage the NGO and discredit their attempts to hold Democrats to minimum international humanitarian standards by implying that war, torture and murder may not be entertaining and laudible activities.

What do you do?

a) Nothing. Jesus, you may not agree with everything that NGOs do and may strongly disagree with some of it, but you appreciate that launching a series of vindictive and spiteful hate campaigns against the world's leading humanitarian organisations would be counterproductive and wrong-headed.

b) The NGO risks harm to lunatic, bloodthirsty and disastrous military misadventures unconditionally supported by the Decent Left, thus harming western nations' ability to launch insane and murderous bombing campaigns against heavily populated urban areas and to operate a secret network of black prisons. Type up a short blog post expressing your concern and calling upon the NGO to consider whether war, surgical strikes, arbitrary detention, torture, murder and disappearances are really worth getting all steamed up about, in the midst of a Global War on Terror.

c) Immediately seize upon any old bullshit that damages the NGO in question by pretending that the International Red Cross may have collaborated with terrorists to bomb their own ambulance, using a risible pack of wingnut lies published by a hideous shower of evil right wing bastards as evidence; Reprint a pack of dubious What If? bollocks from a well-known Republican cretin implying that Human Rights Watch conspires with the Saudi regime to falsely attack Israel; Reprint a mad Israeli wingnut's attempts to hurl huge handfuls of shit at HRW by accusing one of its employees of loving terrorists and terrorism; Instantly shit your pants in terror when an Amnesty official compares the Americans' secret torture, murder and arbitrary detention network of black prisons the Gulag; Issue a full-throated defence of international disappearance and arbitrary detention or a masturbatory Real-Men-Ain't-Afraid-Of-Torturin'-a-Bad-'Un display of belligerent machismo; call for "morally serious" people to have a debate on torture, an issue which deserves careful consideration, and generally make it clear that opposition to western human rights violations is the preserve of ivory tower-dwellling pro-Islamists who pray for the destruction of western civilisation?

Answers

Mostly a)

If you like Jihadistan so much, why don't you fuck off and live there, you relativist, genocidal Osama Bin Liberal bastard?

Mostly b)

There's a time and place for level-headed, rational discussion, and it's never and somewhere else.

Mostly c)

Congratulations - you are a morally serious, level-headed Decent. Our deranged plan to suicide bomb every left-wing organisation and institution on the face of the planet into submission, in the insane hope that a new, more politically acceptable network of human rights organisations will automatically spring into existence on the day of the Rapture, proceeds apace. Onwards to an ill-defined and probably fantastical victory, comrades!

Arrogance

2010-02-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

Despicable Self-Righteousness

1. Disgusting anti-war groupthink of sniffy left wingers, contending that there were no good reasons for supporting an insane, half-arsed, ill-defined and transparently doomed militaristic clusterfuck led by morons with support from the undead cast of Iran/Contra: The Musical.

2. The dogmatic certainty that a war that resulted in horrifyingly brutal civil strife and mass slaughter, sectarian partition, the rocket-propelled national decline of the invaders, the invaded nation and all of their allies in the region, plus the vast empowerment of reactionaries and lunatics, was somehow a bad idea.

By hewing to the bien-pensant party line, liberals on the internet have perpetrated possibly the most tragic injustice of the 21st century in implying that an elderly academic's opinions are cretinous, deluded and cracked, leaving him feeling somewhat slighted.

Source: "Why can't those who opposed the war admit that I cheerled this easily-avoidable, murderous catastrophe in good faith?", Normblog: Extract from page 388, Chapter Seven, Book Nine of the Professor's thirty two-volume epic poem "Just Because It Was a Disaster Doesn't Mean I Was Wrong, You Snotty Liberal Bastards".

Emboldened

2010-01-29T11:07:00.000-08:00

The Wages of Wussiness

1. Superhuman status acquired by terrorists if and when citizens refuse to endorse insane government policy (x).

"We must remember that we are at war and that, if we fail in our responsibility to dispense with the judicial system/look up your arse with this enormous camera/bomb Hong Kong to smithereens, our enemies will be emboldened".

2. Supervillain status that would have been acquired by Saddam Hussein if Parliament had refused to endorse the liberation of Iraq.

"Having put in place the necessary military forces to remove Saddam Hussein, he would have been emboldened if we had then refused to remove him".

"With respect Mr. Blair, I do not recall a frenzied public clamour for the deployment of 200,000 British and American soldiers to Iraq's borders. For you to then blackmail the country into precipitate military action because of a situation that you have yourself consciously created seems rather -"

"Yes, indeed. He would've been entirely emboldened, as would have been his sons."

3. Following the whipping out of the Prime Ministerial penis in Parliament, the argument that those opposed to immediate and copious public urination across the front and back benches would, intentionally or otherwise, like to hold hands with fascists and kiss them on the lips and everything.

4. Terroristic state of depravity somewhat worse than underlined and significantly worse than italicised.

The White House Tapes

2010-01-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

(Rush transcript - Oval Office recorder 1.4 - start time 14.29, 1/23/10)

RAHM EMMANUEL: You wanted to see me, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yes, Rahm. Take a seat. We may have... (Oratically brilliant Presidential pause) ...a rather significant problem.

EMMANUEL: Yes sir. Can I take it you're referring to the column in today's London Observer?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: It's a Goddamn disaster, Rahm! Nick Cohen has sunk this administration! Why, with his incredibily accurate skewering of our moral cowardice and insane urge to assist the Chinese with their inhuman oppression of Tibet, he's utterly crushed my presidency. (Panic-stricken relativist sobs).

EMMANUEL: It does rather look that way, sir. Have you considered how we're going to explain this to the Bien-Pensant Liberal Leftists, Whose Tendency To Pay Lip Service To Human Rights Is So Common In Our Times?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Never mind them. What are we going to say to the Superficially-Leftish So-Called Progressives Who Believe That Democracy Is An Imperialist Ideology? I mean, this Cohen guy is telling his readers that I didn't mention women's rights in my Cairo speech!

EMMANUEL: Well, we checked that sir, and it appears that you dedicated a whole section of your Cairo speech to women's rights. It looks rather like Cohen may have brutally fucked the dog on that one, since your remarks are on page seven of the text Cohen links to. We don't know whether that's part of his fiendish scheme to undermine you, or possibly that he decides what's going into his columns before he researches them, like a second-rate hack who can't be fucked to check his sources.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Obviously it's the former, Rahm. This guy is too smart to be just some second-rate hack who can't be fucked to check his sources. I mean... (Charismatic yet some how effete and elitist flourish) ...My God, he's put the Henry Jackson Society on my case!

EMMANUEL: There's no disguising it sir - your presidency can't survive a bad write-up from a tiny clique of pointy-headed, no-dick academic ideologues prattling about war and swooning over belligerent-sounding bullshit.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: That's the whole point! I knew I should've spent less time dealing with the catastrophic financial and military clusterfucks I inherited and much more time barking and woofing like a demented chihuahua. I mean, you remember what the Republicans did when the Russians invaded Georgia?

EMMANUEL: I sure do, sir - the Republicans all sat up on their hind legs and began yammering about how Putin was Hitler and how he'd better quit it right now, or else! Then the Russians took a huge, steaming dump on the White House lawn by smashing the Georgian military, then occupying South Ossetia and proclaiming it independent.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Exactly! Those fruity Republican losers might have achieved exactly bugger all and wound up looking like prize chumps, but they sounded tough, damn it! (Sneers at liberal values) ...And now this Cohen guy is telling the world that I cancelled our missile defence scheme to get into Putin's good books!

EMMANUEL: I guess when we told people we were cancelling missile defence because it was a ruinously expensive and totally unworkable pile of utter, useless bullshit designed entirely to enrich weapons contractors, Cohen just saw right through our story. I have to admit, he's good.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Too good. This stuff about how I failed to support the Iranian opposition in their hour of need... (Operatic flourish, twirl) ...Not only that, I referred to their country as The Islamic Republic of Iran, as if the ayatollahs owned it.

EMMANUEL: Yes. Why did you do that, sir?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: (Thumps desk in puny outburst of impotent rage that wouldn't frighten a Jihadist mouse) ...Because I've wilfully blinded myself to the urgent threat of Islamist fascism and fallen prey to the language of appeasement and easy moral equivalence, that's why! Don't you remember anything?

EMMANUEL: Of course, Mr. President, I forgot.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Cohen's right. If only I'd gone on television and thrown an epic tantrum, calling the mullahs bastards and telling the protesters we'd back them up with nuclear warheads, Iran might be an oasis of tranquility and democracy by now. (Shakes head, sneers at the oppressed) ...You know, I feel pretty relativist, ergo racist and disdainful of brown people's freedom, right now. I've got to do something to regain the initiative.

EMMANUEL: Might I suggest that you arrange a press conference and call Mahmoud Ahmadinejad something like Arseface McStalin? You could call him a Nazi and a totalitarian, then everything would work out fine.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: That's just for starters! (Suddenly engorged with masculine vigour and dictator-repelling moral certitude) ...I want you to order our ambassador in Beijing to construct a fifty-foot tall papier-mache human hand giving the finger on the roof, then have the staff stand around shouting Fuck you Chinese Commie arseholes! into megaphones.

EMMANUEL: Brilliant, sir. The Communist regime will fold instantly and the Chinese will surely elect a pro-western liberal democratic government within days. Anything else?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Send a photo of Hillary Clinton's sagging, pendulous ass to Kim Jong Il... And nuke Antarctica. It won't achieve anything, but it'll make us look tough and manly, and isn't that the important thing?

EMMANUEL: It certainly is, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh, and phone Hugo Chavez and tell him I think he's a fat, tedious cunt.

EMMANUEL: And what will that achieve, sir?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Absolutely nothing, Rahm! That's the whole point of empty, bellicose rhetoric and foolhardy gestures designed to impress cretins! (Testosterone explosion devastates Oval Office causing women to swoon, overcome by presidential machismo, as far away as El Salvador).

(Transcript ends)

Dementia

2010-01-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

Mental Disorder Afflicting Everybody Else

Debilitating condition causing the vast majority of the planet's population to believe that certain epic foreign policy clusterfucks and horrific bloodbaths may have been the product of political skullduggery rather than simple ideological idiocy.

Distortionary psychological blinkers inexplicably leading to the conclusion that Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell may have packed their case for calamitous war with dubious assertions, questionable intelligence and cut 'n' pasted bullshit because they were dishonest rather than wildly irresponsible and cretinous.

Woeful condition chiefly afflicting those liberals who preferred to leave Saddam Hussein in power by not bombing Iraq to pieces with no plans for reconstruction, governance or withdrawal, rather than invading Iraq with their fingers crossed for luck and then blaming the ensuing catastrophe on the liberals.

Sources - I'm Just Begging To Be Fired Now by Nick Cohen and I Supported This Insane Plan With Good Intentions, You Liberal Bastards by Professor Norm.

FKATWOT

2009-12-29T11:02:00.000-08:00

Audience-Pleasing Acronym

Hilarious, thigh-slapping response to every partially pugnacious Presidential pronouncement, a well-executed Formerly Known As The War On Terror! sets 'em rollin' and rockin' with ROFL as Decent funnybones are tickled and sides split.

Generally deployed after any statement from Barack Obama indicating that he favours attacking terrorists rather than fellating them, FKATWOT implies the following concepts...

1) That, contrary to Barack Obama's election pledges to continue occupying Afghanistan and to keep bombing terrorists and wedding parties, Chardonnay-sipping Hampstead Guardianistas and Bien Pensant Islingtonian Liberals had feverishly hoped that Barack Obama would instead abolish the armed forces of the United States and erect a golden temple to Osama Bin Laden on the former site of the World Trade Center, and that

2) Barack Obama has in fact continued to occupy Afghanistan and bomb terrorists and wedding parties.

Taken in conjunction, these twin concepts create a chucklesome comedy cocktail of bladder-bursting proportions, causing Decents to literally explode in a puff of hilarity.

Source: Obama said "violent extremists!" FKATWOT! LMAO! by Professor Norm.

The Souls of Secret Policemen

2009-12-22T16:01:00.000-08:00

"No novelist with any talent just deals with political themes, and readers who scour their books for ideological clues have the souls of secret policemen". - Nick Cohen, December 2009

"...so consistent was the pro-Islamist party line in the BBC’s drama it seemed as if a politburo had taken control of the arts department". Nick Cohen, December 2007

See also here: Nick on the foul Islamofascistical subtext of Robin Hood; Nick on the foul appeasement of Spooks; Nick on the foul moral blindness of Die Hard 4.

Here: Nick on the foul, wilful blindness to Islamofascism of The Bourne Identity; Nick on the foul, disgusting unwillingness of James Bond to tackle Islamofascism; Nick on the foul appeasement of Spooks (again).

Previously: Mainstream Liberal Culture.

Inquiry

2009-12-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

Beacon/Travesty of Justice

1. Enlightened group of Solomonic Solons gathered to pass impartial judgement upon the innocence and ironclad moral rectitude of the Prime Minister and to sentence fork-tongued reporters and mendacious public service broadcasters to hard labour in the grim Gulag of journalistic disgrace.

Unimpeachable tribunes of even-handed justice, investigating and rejecting out of hand grotesque litanies of false accusation against pure-hearted politicians in the spirit of non-partisan free inquiry, whose decision is final.

2. Despicable kangaroo court of politically-motivated liars, con men, mountebanks and bastards gathered to orchestrate the public lynching of the Prime Minister in an epic assault upon truth and justice.

A great troupe of cackling, pro-terror chimpanzees gathered to hurl great handfuls of faeces into the wide-eyed, trusting faces of pure-hearted politicians, unless their report absolves the Prime Minister of wrongdoing, in which case see 1.

The Week In Decency - Twitter

2009-12-03T09:20:00.001-08:00

Chilcot Iraq inquiry to find Blair innocent! No laughing until you've read the postgraduate thesis they'll plagiarise to justify their findings.

Hooray! Benny Morris threatens Israel's neighbours with World War III, calls US President a pussy.

Hitchens - Evil people do evil things because they are evil. An intellectual titan - Norm agrees, by the way.

Law and order hawks - Pitbulls make excellent guard dogs if you're worried about being burgled by toddlers.

Swiss racists - disguise your bigotry by forbidding all religious people from putting minarets in their mosques, and not just Muslims. (Note on the text - this is rather like setting strict laws on what both men and women can do with their own vaginas).

Harry's Place - Encourage the French to commit more troops to our military clusterfucks by calling them cowardly wretches.

Celtic v Hapoel Tel Aviv - As a Hoops fan, I say no political protest at the game. There's no place at Parkhead for religion or politics.

Hook-handed extremist clerics - Improve your life expectancy by avoiding clocks, crocodiles and any clock/crocodile-related activities.

Peak Soviet forces in Afghanistan - 115,000 troops. 130,000 coalition troops will defo do the trick this time tho. Go Obama!

Would it be moral to clone Adolf Hitler, then immediately have him shot for war crimes? Note - if you answered "No," then you are a Nazi.

Actually, if I could clone anyone, it'd be Pablo Picasso, so that I could call him an asshole, just to infuriate the Modern Lovers.

When Seal wrote "Crazy," he clearly wasn't talking about CifWatch or he would've called it "Wonk-Wonk Fuckadoodle Bugshit". (No we're never gonna survive, unless...)

Daily diatribes on Decent developments here.

AsaJew

2009-12-03T09:17:00.000-08:00

Insult

Bizarre ethnoreligious insult used by wackadoodle wingnuts to demean and disregard the opinions of non-wingnut members of the Jewish faith that this writer, for one, is not touching with a fucking bargepole.

The Hitchens Formula

2009-11-29T05:24:00.000-08:00

Income-generating wheeze

Rhetorical cash cow guaranteeing regular payments of Decent Dole to newspaper columnists who have become too senile and incoherent to earn a living, as regularly paid by Slate, The Guardian, Standpoint and the Times.

Originally attributed to Comrade Hitchens, the Formula is expressed thusly...

Did (American action X) cause (atrocity Y)? No!

Rinse and repeat as needed. See also: Condemnit!

Democracy

2009-11-22T06:19:00.001-08:00

Contradictory Plebiscitory and Representative Process

Electoral procedure whereby citizens vote for candidates ostentatiously supported by Decents.

Not to be confused with totalitarianism, whereby citizens vote for candidates ostentatiously Condemned by Decents.

Democracy in Action - A Quick Guide To National Elections

1. Formal procedure by which Iraqi democrats appoint Islamists with links to unsavoury terrorist groups as their official representatives and rulers.

The ultimate expression of the will of the Iraqi people, demonstrating their immense hunger for freedom.

Supported!

2. Formal procedure by which Palestinian fascists appoint Islamists from unsavoury terrorist groups as their official representatives and rulers.

The ultimate expression of the will of the Palestinian people, demonstrating their immense hunger for genocide.

Condemned!

3. Formal procedure by which a US-installed and supported former Unocal oil consultant and ex-CIA asset appoints himself as the Afghan people's official representative and ruler.

The ultimate expression of the will of Hamid Karzai, although of course not representative of the will of the government of the United States nor their intelligence services, who frown upon election-rigging in countries that they militarily occupy and over which they exercise de facto control.

Condemned!

4. Formal process by which Iranian democrats appoint the clerical fascist former prime minister of the Islamic Republic and right-hand man of Ayatollah Khomeini, and actually get Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as their official representative and ruler.

The ultimate expression of the will of the Iranian people, contingent upon the Iranian opposition remaining out of power. Should the opposition actually take power, they will instantly cease to be democrats and revert to being horrifying, totalitarian fascist monsters thirsting for war and genocide.

Supported! unless they actually win, at which point they will be immediately Condemned!

5. Formal process by which Venezuelan idiots vote for the terrifying socialist monster Hugo Chavez as their Supreme Dictator-For-Life.

The ultimate expression of the will of the people, demonstrating their immense thirst for a Thousand-Year Reich of bloody Bolivarian horror.

Condemned!

6. Formal process by which Lebanese democrats appoint whichever Armani-suited warlord or gangster shares their ethno-religious identity as their official representative and ruler.

The ultimate expression of the will of the Lebanese people, demonstrating their immense hatred for Hezbollah and warm, near-sexual affection for states that periodically invade, strafe and cluster bomb their country.

Supported!

7. Formal process by which Spanish pussies are intimidated into appointing anti-war appeasers of fascism as their official rulers and representatives.

The ultimate expression of the cowardice of the Spanish people, demonstrating their pitiful, wimpish inability to take a few terrorist bombings and bullshit government propaganda efforts without going all weak at the knees and bowing before fascists.

Condemned!

Note

Final analysis of the Afghan election is contingent upon the outcome of Hitchens vs. United Nations, currently being heard before the Court of Decency.

Case summary: Hitchens observes blatant electoral fraud perpetrated by a US-installed and supported former Unocal oil consultant and ex-CIA asset in an epic campaign of ballot stuffing, and concludes that said fraud is entirely the fault of the United Nations. Hitchens further commends the ultimately futile efforts of the Americans to prevent the theft of the election by the candidate that they have both financially and politically backed for decades.

Judgement pending; Full text of Hitchens' petition here.

Israel Lobby

2009-11-21T05:20:00.000-08:00

Actually Existing Imaginary Political Tendency

1. Make-believe intergalactic clan of Hebraic space lizards plotting the domination of Earth through the deployment of satellite lazers, telepathic mind-control and insidious tentacle porn, beloved of black helicopter-fearing, Reptilian-sniffing internet 9/11 Truther mentals.

Despicable, ludicrous fictional conspiracy theory, referred to solely by racists.

2. Actually existing in reality Anglo-American political tendency entirely composed of headbanging right wing fruitcake fucknuts, loudly and openly demanding deranged foreign policy initiatives and military carnage from positions within some of the world's most highly respected universities, political forums and best-selling newspapers.

Entirely unremarkable group of individuals engaged in thoroughly commonplace and humdrum attempts to influence government policy and public opinion through the medium of the popular press and glorified cheese and wine parties, any reference to the existence of which is racist in the extreme.

Goldstone Condemnathon

2009-11-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

Following the UN General Council vote to endorse the Goldstone Report, the Encyclopedia of Decency hereby condemns Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Angola, Antigua and Barbuda, Argentina, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Bahamas, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Barbados, Belarus, Belize, Benin, Bolivia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Cambodia, Central African Republic, Chad, Chile, China, Comoros, Congo, Cuba, Cyprus, Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Democratic Republic of the Congo, Djibouti, Dominica, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Eritrea, Gabon, Gambia, Ghana, Grenada, Guatemala, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Guyana, Haiti, India, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Ireland, Jamaica, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kuwait, Lao People's Democratic Republic, Lebanon, Lesotho, Libya, Malawi, Malaysia, Maldives, Mali, Malta, Mauritania, Mauritius, Mexico, Mongolia, Morocco, Mozambique, Myanmar, Namibia, Nepal, Nicaragua, Niger, Nigeria, Oman, Pakistan, Paraguay, Peru, Philippines, Portugal, Qatar, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Saudi Arabia, Senegal, Serbia, Sierra Leone, Singapore, Slovenia, Solomon Islands, Somalia, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Suriname, Switzerland, Syria, Tajikistan, Thailand, Timor-Leste, Trinidad and Tobago, Tunisia, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, United Republic of Tanzania, Uzbekistan, Venezuela, Viet Nam, Yemen, Zambia and Zimbabwe.

Foul, genocidal racists directly supporting the terrorist assault on democracy itself. They should all be ashamed of themselves, especially Antigua and Barbuda. They're the worst racists of all.

You Don't Have To Be a Muslim To Be Furiously Denounced, But It Helps

2009-11-15T04:12:00.000-08:00

It seems like The Encyclopedia of Decency is in trouble with the chardonnay-swilling, braying, hooray Henry bien-pensant community again. Brie-scoffing, pony-trotting posho elitist Penny Laurie posts these words about us at The Samosa...

The Encyclopedia of Decency has pursued what has been seen as a "witch hunt" against any Muslim or Muslim-ally who does not fit the site editors' strict definition of "moderation"; to whit, near non-involvement in politics.

Oh dear, that old failure to distinguish between two entirely different, obviously unconnected things again. Laurie's unfounded accusation that we engage in politically-motivated smear campaigns and ad hominem attacks on dissenters is exactly what we'd expect from a painfully right-on upper middle class permastudent with a great, throbbing boner for Islamist fascism.

Let's get this clear. The Encylopedia is - inter alia - a website to which those individuals who hold deranged, belligerent hardline right wing views on a wide variety of national and international issues are welcome to contribute, provided they are willing to coat their wingnutty babble in a thick layer of faux-lefty bullshit about anti-racism.

We're against baleful theocratic conspiracies against democracy that threaten to hold the scimitar of head-chopping Islamic law to the neck of the human race, and we pull no punches in writing snotty blog posts about those who are in favour of such set ups, no matter how Muslim they are.

In short - you don't have to be a Muslim to be repeatedly and vociferously denounced as a brutal threat to peace and freedom in a frenzied circle-jerk of ever-increasing paranoia, but it helps.

I should clarify something else too. The Encyclopedia is not a racist hate site, although anyone who came here looking for endless, inflammatory booga-booga scaremongering about one particular minority religious group certainly wouldn't be disappointed.

The Encyclopedia is more of a voluntary police action aimed at a) defining our own fucknut, rah-rah pom-pom waving for one-sided violence as the outermost boundary of acceptable opinion and b) sending great snarling packs of feral right wing bigots snapping at the heels of those with the temerity to differ.

Nonetheless, it is far easier to portray these attacks on our race-fixated commentariat as the effete affectations of politically correct liberal woofters than it is to directly address the issue of our obvious witch hunting bastardry, so let us slyly gloss over the Samosa's entirely accurate accusations of McCarthyism.

So, in summary, Penny Laurie is - like most with the effrontery to criticise our monomaniacal zeal for partisan condemnation - very, very posh. Regular readers will know that the Encyclopedia is published straight from the Stygian blackness of our proletarian coal mine, and its hard-grafting, rough-handed writers do not take well to being ticked off by some tofu munching, proto-lesbian Jemima.

Let us then return to the good work of sniffing out vaguely suspicious opinion for political gain. We can do so secure in the knowledge that our relentless war upon reason, truth and basic human decency is the pinnacle of working class activism, rather than simply a bunch of illiberal, whining ex-Trots camouflaging their rocket propelled rightwards trajectory with a load of mealy mouthed and dishonest waffle about fascism.

Source: Never Mind The Legitimate Criticism - Here's The Bullshit, Marcus at Harry's Place.

When I Called It "Human Rights Watch," I Meant "Watch The Baddies, Not The Goodies"

2009-10-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

Guest post by Robert Bernstein, founding chairman emeritus of Human Rights Watch, cross-posted from the New York Times.

As the founder of Human Rights Watch, its active chairman for 20 years and now founding chairman emeritus, I must do something that I never anticipated: I must publicly join a militant wingnut circle-jerk with a mealy-mouthed and disingenuous hissy fit of epic proportions.

HRW had as its original mission to pry open closed societies, but recently it has been issuing reports on the Israeli-Arab conflict that suggest the Israelis have been acting like a bunch of belligerent, bullet-happy lunatics with a huge, throbbing collective hard-on for politically-motivated war.

At HRW, we have always recognised that open, democratic societies have faults and commit abuses. But we saw that they have the ability to correct them - through vigorous public debate, an adversarial press and many other mechanisms that encourage reform.

Of course, some open, democratic societies' faults and abuses can sometimes continue for more than forty years with total impunity, despite showing every sign of being tacit state policy. Such societies may vigorously debate whether state violence should go all the way up to eleven or merely to ten, with the small minority of dissenters being disregarded as traitors and fifth columnists. The press may be adversarial only over the voltage by which neighbouring cities should be zapped, and reform may restrict itself to the quadrennial election of increasingly insane gaggles of paranoid, gung-ho fucknut headbangers, but I think the lesson here is clear.

A democratic nation should be able conduct morally dubious, politically convenient bombing campaigns in heavily-populated areas, then orchestrate its own sham investigation and whitewash exoneration, without having to answer a lot of impertinent questions.

Israel is highly democratic, while the Arab and Iranian regimes are brutal, closed and autocratic, permitting no dissent at all. Ergo, organisations like HRW should so totally, like, cut the Israelis some slack every time they rev up their war machines to drop some seriously righteous whizzbang somewhere in the general vicinity of some terrorists.

At this point, I'd like readers to pretend that they are unaware that HRW prepares a very large number of reports about Iraq, Iran, Egypt etcetera, and to act as if it is in some way suspicious that a human rights organisation would report on massive aerial and artillery bombardments of an essentially incarcerated population.

Dodgy, isn't it?

Anyway, Hamas and Hezbollah are both racist, genocidal organisations, and as such HRW should be aware that this somehow exempts the Israelis from obeying international law in some vague manner that I won't deign to explain in this particular bout of waffling, diversionary boo-hoo.

HRW hasn't been able to verify its reports with the Israeli leadership, largely because the entire state apparatus spent the assault and its aftermath bluntly ordering every concerned organisation, neutral monitoring body and government to fuck off, and take their Geneva Conventions with them. Clearly, if the Israeli military had been committing war crimes, they would have said so by now.

More alarmingly, HRW have had to rely on untrustworthy eyewitness accounts, because the Israelis deliberately closed the battlefield to reporters and international observers. Never mind the fact that eyewitness reports can be biased and unreliable - reporting on a conflict without having been invited to do so is bad manners, and gatecrashing the party with a load of bothersome allegations is just plain rude.

And while we're on the subject of unreliable eyewitness reports, did I mention the fact that a British general was good enough to provide a glowing statement about how the Israelis take great care not to harm civilians while they're dropping several tons of high explosives on them?

This neat juxtaposition between hundreds of eyewitness reports, backed by supporting evidence and analysis, and a British general's offhand one-liner, should tell you everything you need to know about my concerns about HRW's reporting. That's unless you feel that the implication that the former is worthless and the latter obviously truthful is basically dishonest.

So, in conclusion, Human Rights Watch needs to return to its roots by directing all of its attention at the atrocities committed by unaccountable middle eastern tyrants, and essentially grant the Israelis carte blanche to use whatever weapons they like, wherever they like, whenever they like, without raising a whisper of complaint. If not, HRW leaves itself open to accusations of relativism.

That would devalue all of the good work this wonderful organisation does by giving the impression that it's only interested in certain rights violations by a very specific group of people, and we certainly couldn't have that.

Updated - The Guardian

2009-10-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Reprehenisble Media Organ

The Garr-Day-Yan

1. Islamist daily newspaper published and purchased by Useful Idiots, The Guardian (See also Al-Grauniad) ~~is the primary source of Suspicious Propaganda, disseminating Racist and Anti-American materials,~~ deliberately and with malice aforethought deletes the names of Israeli Prime Ministers from lists of Nobel Peace Prize Winners, causing Fascists to Laugh In Celebration.

Beloved of Effete Elitists and Bruschetta-munching Hampstead Liberals, The Guardian ~~dribbles its hate-filled bile and Moral Equivalence into the public conciousness like a leaky pisser thrust into the ear of the nation~~ seeks to destroy Israel by intentionally pretending that no Israeli Prime Minsters have ever won the Nobel Peace Prize, thus betraying their deeply ingrained Racist hatred for Israeli Prime Ministers who have won the Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Islamist daily newspaper published and purchased by Useful Idiots that likes to pretend that their horrific, Genocidal omissions from lists of Nobel Prize Winners are data entry mistakes, causing Decents to bang their desks, insist they know lots and lots about data entry and to declare that they know Racist deletions when they see them, and by God, these are Racist deletions.

"I see that the Guardian are trying to pretend that they have merely made a data entry error in an attempt to disguise their naked and blatant malice, their hideous cruelty and their remorseless, ever-throbbing black-hearted yearning for the destruction of Israel".

"Yes, I saw that, and I for one would rather get down on my knees and fellate a bull elephant on national television than allow the Guardian to wriggle away from our entirely non-partisan, semi-psychotic circle-jerk of a Gotcha!".

"I'm sorry, did you just say you'd fellate -"

"A bull elephant, yes".

Sources

Why, This Seems Like An Entirely Sensible Issue Upon Which To Wager a Significant Amount Of Our Website's Credibility, by "Lucy Lips", Harry's Place

We Agree 100% With That Assessment And Are For Some Reason Determined To Stake Large Amounts Of Our Own Credibility Upon This Vital And In-No-Way Hilariously Insane Non-Story, by Jessica Elgot, TheJC.com

I Don't Know What The Decent Left Is, So I Don't Know Any Better, by Tim Collard, Telegraph.co.uk

I'm A Well-Respected And Well-Remunerated Commentator For One Of The World's Foremost Newspapers, Yet I Too Am Keen To Piss a Good Bit Of My Credibility Down The Drain Over This Giant Pile Of Obviously Ridiculous Internet Shite, by Daniel Finkelstein.

I Gather We're All Wagering Our Credibility On Some Idiotic Post At Harry's Place - Count Me In, by Stephen Pollard.

As a Paranoid Lunatic With No Credibility To Lose, I Wholeheartedly Endorse This Ludicrous Propaganda Wheeze, by Melanie Phillips.

This Kind Of Risible Nonsense Is Our Bread And Butter, Jerusalem Post

We Have Wingnut Morons In Canada Too, You Know, by Tom Gross

More reports to follow as this story develops...

See also - Decent Dole.

Case Law

2009-09-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

Proceedings Of The Court Of Decency

Session 2009/10, CoD 22

James & Cohen vs. Western Feminists, Australian Local Intelligentsia, Australian Multiculturalist Ideologues, Legions of Australian Female Pundits, Western Female Thinkers, Writers In The Serious Newspapers, The Experts In Our Feminist Movement, The Irresponsible Semi-Intelligentsia, The Pampered Intelligentsia & Anti-Western Feminists

This fascinating case recently called before the Court of Decency, having been raised by journalists Clive James and Nicholas Cohen in the noted left-wing periodical Standpoint. The case has opened several legal cans of worms.

Firstly, while James and Cohen charged the entirety of western liberalism with crimes against the oppressed women of Islamic countries, a strict reading of their twin indictments revealed that their many synonyms for "western feminists" were in fact a cunning code for "Germaine Greer," and that the repeatedly-invoked "Pampered Intelligentsia" was a euphemism for "Timothy Garton-Ash and Ian Buruma".

Secondly, one need only examine the charges to recognise that this test-case has proved to be a watershed in the evolution of Decent Law.

1) That "Western Feminists" (i.e. Germaine Greer) think female genital mutilation is brilliant and, like, totally ethnic and shit;

2) That "Western Feminists" (i.e. Germaine Greer) are guilty of complaining too much about the status of women in western society, rather than Condemning the Muslims;

3) That "Western Feminists" (i.e. Germaine Greer) are in fact guilty of Not Condemning the Muslims regularly enough to avoid suspicion;

4) That several unnamed book reviewers are guilty of authoring unenthusiastic reviews of a book that Condemns the Muslims, and

5) That the "Pampered Intelligentsia" (i.e. Timothy Garton-Ash and Ian Buruma) are guilty of uttering mild criticism of Somali neo-conservative thinktanker Aayan Hirsi-Ali.

Analysis - The Court of Decency has set a revolutionary precedent by finding against the defendants on all counts.

The ruling means that in future, anonymous and possibly allegorical individuals can now be arrested, prosecuted and convicted for the arguments they don't make with unspecified regularity and at non-specific times in unnamed publications. Further, all western feminists are henceforth required to cease and desist with their yakking gossip about the status of women in western society, and are bound to restrict their empty gabble to Condemnations of the Muslims, preferably penned whilst performing menial tasks in The Kitchen.

It also establishes that even mild criticism of neo-conservative thinktankers is now a capital offence, as is the heinous and unforgiveable crime of penning unenthusiastic reviews of books that Condemn the Muslims.

Further, the ruling establishes that all western feminists are to be automatically presumed guilty of Germaine Greer in the first degree. This ruling is in stark contrast to the ruling in a 2006 case which found the Decent Left entirely innocent of Martin Amis with menaces.

Most importantly, the case will have the inevitable effect of clogging the Court of Decency with millions of cases against individuals who have failed to Condemn the Muslims with sufficient enthusiasm to escape suspicion. This analyst's research indicates that western liberals can and do spend as much as 99.9% of their waking lives Not Condemning the Muslims, and it may take years to track down and prosecute each and every one of these treacherous individuals for the arguments that they don't make.

Case Carried - Defendants Garton-Ash and Buruma sentenced to horsewhipping in the public stocks, followed by beheading; Defendant Greer to be buried and stoned to death by a ravening Decent mob. All costs to be paid by The Guardian, as is customary.

Those EDL Protests - Mea Non Culpa

2009-09-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

The Encyclopedia of Decency hereby wishes to disassociate itself utterly from the recent anti-Muslim protests of the so-called English Defence League in various towns and cities throughout the country.

The Encyclopedia's authors have always opposed the type of hysterical scaremongering that the EDF promote, and have been careful to impress upon readers that we firmly oppose the activities of some small Islamic political and religious extremist groups and the disgusting, politically-correct, right-on, traitorous far-leftists who wish to bring the nation to its knees before the Islamists' monomaniacal desire to destroy all that is right and true.

It appears however that some readers have somehow misinterpreted this nuanced and principled stance against small numbers of radical lunatics as a generalised animus towards all Muslims, and have posted hundreds of comments saying so over a number of years.

Nothing could be further from the truth. We at the Encyclopedia have taken great pains to show that we abhor racism in all its forms and we have repeatedly shown our support for moderates within the Islamic community such as Hassan Butt.

Nobody is more shocked than we are that this abhorrent crowd of violent racists have suddenly sprung up, as if from nowhere, with no encouragement from anyone. We have spent years warning that politically correct attitudes were opening the country to a dire threat from a very small number of Islamic extremists, and we are disgusted by these demonstrations by thugs warning that politically correct attitudes are opening the country to a dire threat from a very large number of Islamic extremists while chanting racist slogans.

That is why we, and all other Decents, can watch footage of the EDL protests then look ourselves in the mirror and say with our hands on our hearts that these marches by the far-right are entirely spontaneous, unforeseeable events that are completely unconnected to any of our activities over the past decade.

Indeed, if there's one primary victim to come out of all of this, it is principled anti-fascists like ourselves who oppose both the BNP and the Islamic extremists who infest our cities like Sharia cockroaches. After all, as Alexander Meleagrou-Hitchens says in the noted left wing periodical Standpoint, these protests make it all too easy for the anti-western, we-are-all-Hezbollah appeasers of Islamic fascism to portray our principled stance against totalitarianism as mere manipulation of racist fears for political ends.

As Hitchens the Younger further counsels, it is clear that responsibility for these protests - as with so much else - lies with the trendy multiculturalists who would prevent dissenting voices from raising awareness of the vast Islamist threat with a great volume of newspaper columns, campaigns, petitions, websites and blogs.

Let us not be dissuaded from the course upon which we are set, for we are certain that our cause is just and our aims noble. We say that no number of dunderheaded protests by racist idiots determined to "defend England" from a supposedly-unstoppable wave of foreign terrorists must deflect us from our duty to type up columns and blog posts hyping the Islamist threat. To your keyboards, comrades!

MM

Sources -

Racists, Hooligans and Bigots: We Feel Your Pain Lads, But We Can Handle This By Ourselves, by Alexander Meleagrou-Hitchens;

Never Mind The BNP - Here's More Bloody Muslims, by "Lucy Lips", Harry's Place

"This is the terrorist-supporting 'we are Hezbollah' mob. We need all our lads to turn out to let them know they aren't welcome here," - Stop The Islamification of Europe, quoted in The Guardian

Nuffink To Do Wiv Me, Guv, Aaronovitch Watch

Far-Left Activists

2009-09-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

Catch-All Excuse For Bastardry

Farr Lehfft Ack-Tih-Vissts

Hilariously half-assed fuckery fig leaf, disingenuously used by Decents to disguise shit-flinging assaults on individuals and Humanitarian NGOs.

Allegorical gremlins invoked as rhetorical justification for any form of objectionable behaviour, esp. when pretending to be worried about the reputations of individuals or institutions one hates and wishes to destroy.

"Darling, what are you doing helping these hideous right wing bastards with their smear campaign against Amnesty International?"

"Why, I'm extremely concerned that the organisation has been infiltrated by far-left activists who are endangering the reputation Amnesty has accumulated with its excellent work criticising nations that I support unconditionally."

"Oh, I see. So this is like those times when your intense concern about far-left activists drove you to help those hideous right wing bastards with their smear campaigns against the International Red Cross, the UN weapons inspectors, the anti-war protestors, the Green Party, the Guardian and Ken Livingstone?"

"Yes dear, it's very much like all those times".

"And like that time when you were arrested while searching for evidence of far-left activists by sniffing the seats on the exercise bikes in the ladies' gym?"

"You can't let your guard down, honey - those far-left activists are everywhere".

Concern

2009-09-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

Heartfelt Emotion

Con-sern

Serious regret and throbbing, priapic joy caused by the prospect of potential damage to institutions or individuals one hates and wishes to destroy.

Spam-throttling masturbatory ecstasy, characterised by wild outbursts of cheering, whooping and the immediate formation of furious circle-jerks.

When my friends and I heard that a gaggle of hideous right-wing bastards had slung together a pissweak smear campaign against Amnesty International, we were extremely concerned, twice.

Universal Principles

2009-01-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

Moral Framework

Yoo-Nih-Verr-Sull Prin-Sip-Puhls

1. Seemingly rigid set of intellectual beliefs based upon various human rights declarations and conventions on war which, on closer inspection, appear to contain great gaping logical canyons wide enough to pilot seven aircraft carriers, 1500 tanks, 400 artillery pieces and 200,000 soldiers through.

2. Principles with which everyone in the Universe should agree, the details of which are entirely subject to the whims of their authors and are subject to alteration at any time, without prior notification.

3. Rock-solid framework for the protection of civilians and the resolution of conflicts that would be a hell of a lot easier to grasp if it weren't for that distracting whoosh of mobile goalposts.

Civilians

2009-01-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

Surprisingly Fluid Military Status

Non-combatant persons against whom it is expressly forbidden to take military action, unless [Insert today's tissue-thin, exculpatory rationalisation].

Civilians are the infantry of The Greatest Intellectual Struggle Of Our Time (TGISOOT), and should thus be spent wisely.

Civilians killed in TGISOOT fall into five categories -

a) Innocent civilians - generally us, or any non-military personnel killed by them;

b) Regrettable deaths - Persons located within a fifty-meter radius of a terrorist, tragically obliterated in a surgical strike, for which the terrorist is responsible.

Civilians whom democrats take the greatest care to avoid harming while deliberately bombing them.

Also known as Human Shields - persons located within a fifty-meter radius of a terrorist, thus shielding Decents from having to think too much about the humanity of said persons while they are being bombed by Democrats.

c) Invisible civilians - Persons allegedly killed by Democrats, as reported by the Academic/Media Complex in order to make civilised nations look bad. Thousands of putative people who probably never existed, having possibly been entirely invented by the Red Cross or The Lancet, for whose likely fictional "deaths" terrorists are responsible.

d) Jihadist civilians - Alleged civilians who were probably terrorists anyway, who were thus asking to be blown to smithereens, for whose wholly-justified deaths terrorists are responsible, and

e) The little children - minors who have been bombed and are subsequently photographed while being kissed better by military doctors, before they are sent back home to be bombed all over again, for which terrorists bear responsibility.

See also, Al-Qaedification, Terrorism-By-Proxy, Terrorists Are Bad.

From This Weekend's Protests

2009-01-11T07:58:00.000-08:00

Pictures from Saturday's march against the Israeli bombing of Gaza, below...

...And pictures from this morning's wonderful pro-Israel, pro-peace march.

Truly, pictures speak louder than words.

Balance

2009-01-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

Like "News", Only More So

Bah-Lanse

1. Of news-gathering and reporting agencies, the practice of relating world events in a manner that does not offend the fucknut prejudices of ones head-banging political constituency.

2. Of Some Guy With a Website, the practice of instantly leaping to the most one-eyed, crack-addled, arse-brained position on any particular issue, and using implications of racism and bias as a stick with which to beat one's political enemies to death.

Example 1. When The Guardian declares that the team one supports are Using a Sledgehammer to Crack a Nut, one should pen a lengthy column contending that the Sledgehammers do not exist, and that the Nuts are genocidal terrorists.

Example 2. When the team you support then publicly announce that they have requested an emergency shipment of Sledgehammers from the Republicans to help with the Nut-Cracking, one should instantly question the suspicious obsessions of The Guardian and condemn George Galloway.

"That's why Nick Cohen is a must-read - he provides much-needed balance... Thank God for the Decent Dole."

Reports

2009-01-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

Rock-Solid Sourcing/Despicable Lies

Ree-Pohrts

1. 100% accurate information about teleporting terrorists gleaned from the armed forces of one's government after after they have bombed a military target in a surgical strike.

"Credible reports indicate that several thousand heavily-armed terrorists were identified at the scene moments before the attack, but evaporated like fascistic steam a split-second before the cruise missiles tragically blew the Red Cross hospital to smithereens."

2. Thought-provoking information that should not be dismissed out of hand, as gleaned from Some Guy With a Website. Esp. any information suggesting that the armed forces of one's government may not have bombed the military target after all, and that the real culprits were mysterious, teleporting terrorists.

"Interesting reports indicate that the "Red Cross" "doctors" and "nurses" "killed" at the scene may in fact have been heavily-armed terrorists... As Zombietime reports, when you rewind the film of the attack, you can see that the "civilians" spontaneously jump up off the floor, walls and ceiling and magically stick their limbs and heads back onto their suddenly-unharmed torsos, before walking away... Backwards."

3. Despicable totalitarian propaganda about unverified, alleged bombing, as credulously reported by the Academic/Media Complex to demonise democrats.

"Hysterical reports indicate that 20 "Red Cross" "doctors" and "nurses" were "killed" at the scene, but regular readers will have seen last week's Zombietime reports which proved that - (Cough, Cough, Mumble) ... selflessly and deliberately sacrifice their own soldiers to minimise civilian casualties."

4. Disgusting rhetorical inflation of alleged bombing, if not outright collaboration with fascists, as commonly practiced by Humanitarian NGO's to demonise democrats.

"Incredible reports indicate that the Red Cross deliberately bombed its own doctors and nurses because it is - (Cough, Mumble, Cough) ...rough bumsex with the Mullahs and hot, steamy, no-holes-barred action with Hezbollah and Hamas."

Remarkably subjective data disproving once and for all the possibility of death itself.

See also - On The Deaths In Jabalya; Massaging The News; Every Loon On The Internet For The Next Three Weeks

The Bruschetta Awards 2008, Part One

2009-01-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

What a year it's been for Muscular Liberalism, with a plethora of hot wars over which to wax priapic and a cavalcade of vacant-skulled lefties to denounce. Some had feared that the epic clusterfuck that was the invasion and occupation of Iraq might dull the lustre of the Decent Left, but they have proved in spectacular style that there is literally no military disaster so enormous and horrifying that it can't be shamelessly blown off as an irrelevance.

And so the time has come to hand out the gongs for the most outstanding contribution to Decent discourse...

First off, let us bow our heads in deep respect to Marko Attilla Hoare, who carries off the Sara Lee Award for the simultaneous retention and consumption of cake for his diagram-doodling skills.

Unlike his fellow Decents, Mr. Attilla Hoare was not content to cuddle up to right wing lunatics and espouse terrible right wing ideas, while insisting that he represents the real left. Rather, he dumped the old Left/Right political divide entirely and created a new system in which he and his new wingnut pals are the Goodies and those who disagree are the Baddies. Hats off, sir - lesser men would be too embarrassed to attempt such hilarious mental gymnastics, but you have dared to dream.

Mr. Attilla Hoare also carries off the Bellicosity Bauble for the promotion of unwinnable wars for his antics during the Russo-Georgian war - a conflict that much of the world believed was being fought in Georgia, between the states of Georgia and Russia. Mr. Attilla Hoare knew better, and proclaimed that the Russians were in fact making war upon Israel, that it was thus 1939 and he was Churchill.

"So by any reckoning, Putin’s kill-toll at the present time is worse than Hitler’s was at the time of Munich. Having said that, I’m entirely ready to recognise the differences between Hitler and Putin." MAH, 21st August 2008

Indeed - Hitler was Austrian and is dead, whereas Putin is Russian and alive. Apart from that, they're indistinguishable. Well done, sir.

The Coalface Gong for the denunciation of the despicable views of hypothetical middle class liberals goes to "Clothes For Chaps" writer Andrew Anthony, for his Stakhanovite mining graft down The Guardian's pit.

The Wankshaft Award For Barking-Wingnuttery-Dressed-Up-As-Left-Analysis could've gone to Nasty Nick Cohen for his column Nelson Mandela Is A Gutless Pussy; he could've won it for his column Right-Wing Psychos Aren't Harsh Enough On Liberals, and he only just missed out with his column Sarah Palin Is Lovely And The Left Are Bastards.

In the end, Nick couldn't produce a piece of wingnut lunacy that was barking enough to compete with Democratiya editor Alan Johnson's decision to publish a softball interview with wingnut loon and doom-bonkers racial obsessive Dr. Andrew Bostom. A masterstroke, and a golden moment in Decency that should be recalled every time Johnson decries "the left's alliance with nasty right wingers".

And finally for this segment, kudos is due to Denis MacShane MP, whose indefatigable research into racist, trendy dinner parties earns him the Islingtonian Award for anecdotal anti-semitism. Thanks to him, we are all now aware of the alleged conversational habits of nameless, notional liberals at the unspecified dinner parties of modish London.

Gentlemen, you are an example to us all. Congratulations!

Tragedy

2008-12-29T16:37:00.000-08:00

Regrettable Act, Deliberately Committed

Trah-Jeh-Day

Unfortunately necessary Al-Qaedification of civilians for unclear and most probably pointless military purposes, undertaken in self-defence with deep psychic anguish by Democrats.

Heartbreaking, highly distressing bombing campaigns which cause Decents to bow their heads in a moment of quiet, sorrowful reflection at the sheer waste of life, before penning exculpatory newspaper articles detailing the desperate need for more surgical strikes.

"I don't know, Professor... I sympathise with the plight of the Israelis in facing such an intransigent and fanatical enemy, but these most recent strikes smack of gratuitous and aimless violence born of political utility."

"I know, I know, it's a Tragedy, and I for one feel extreme sympathy for any non-combatants caught in the crossfire. Words cannot express my boundless grief at these entirely regrettable events, but it is with a heavy, heavy heart that I must remind you that Terrorists Are Bad, so basically - fuck it, why the hell not?"

See also: Military Target, Terrorism-By-Proxy

Admin Notes 10 - The Bruschettas 2008

2008-12-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

The festive season is upon us once more and in true end-of-year tradition, it's time for voting to open in the inaugural Bruschetta Awards, as given by The Encyclopedia of Decency in recognition of outstanding service to the cause of Muscular Liberalism.

My nominations for a few awards follow as an example, and readers are invited to submit any instances of Decency above and beyond the call of duty before the final count. Without much ado, let us commence...

The Mammy-Two-Shoes Award

Awarded in recognition of the most hysterically overblown reaction to a non-story, named for the old lady who owned Tom in Tom & Jerry.

To my mind, this year's finest display of chair-leaping, skirt-clutching, broom-beating shriekery was David T. of Harry's Place's jihad on segregated swimming - a not-really-very-interesting story immediately pounced on by the Mail, the Telegraph, and a global audience of gleeful wingnuts and white supremacists.

Congratulations are due, for inflating a disinterested decision made by a dipshit local administrator into an epic struggle between secularism, religious reaction and ethnic segregation is harder than it looks.

The Islingtonian Award For Anecdotal Anti-Semitism

Given for excellence in the reporting of alleged fashion-accessory racism by unidentified chardonnay-swilling elitists at Liberal Dinner Parties or in Decent Taxis.

Surely nobody has given as much in this field as Dennis MacShane MP, whose unstinting work in relating unverifiable tales of haute-cuisine Hebrew-hatred by anonymous middle-class liberals is second to none.

The Golden Wankshaft

Awarded for the most crass smuggling of deranged, wingnut culture war propaganda under the cover of a supposedly left wing critique.

Readers will do well to find a more egregious example than Nick Cohen's When Barack's Berserkers Lost The Plot, which joyfully embraced the hilarious "Liberal elitists hate Sarah Palin because she's so working class" propaganda being pumped out by America's most barking.

Extra points are awarded for invoking the following Decent hot-button words - Post-Modern, Support for the Iraq war, Neocons, "Leftists... Allowing their hatred to override their judgement" and Eric Hobsbawm.

Suggestions are also humbly requested in the following categories -

The Coalface Gong - For the most ostentatious condemnation of generic middle class liberals and high-horse antics over the working class by a Decent earning not less than three times the national average wage;

The Bellicosity Bauble - For the most bloodcurdling call for counterproductive warmaking;

The Inkblot - Given for the most impressive extrapolation of fascist, racist and/or pro-terrorist beliefs from the flimsiest evidence, preferably an out-of-context, single-sentence quote;

The Sara Lee Award - For the simultaneous consumption and retention of one's ideological cake. Winners are likely to be found amongst commentators on the Russo-Georgian war, during which Georgia managed to be both an American client state and not an American client state at the same time, and finally;

The Fuckam Tu Quoque - Given to the Decent who issued the most grudging, minimalist admission of error, accompanied by the most hilariously bitter But You Are All Bastards Nonetheless snark.

Many thanks.

Libel Laws

2008-12-21T09:01:00.000-08:00

Liberty, If It Means Anything, Is The Right To Call Anyone You Don't Like a Nazi In A Consequence-Free Environment

Despicable legal mechanism used to crush free speech, allowing persons one has described as a genocidal, jew-baiting, terrorist-loving, goosestepping fascist bastard to seek redress, apology and/or retraction.

Horrifying potential barrier to the promulgation of disingenuous smears and outright lies based upon out-of-context quotes and Decent Telepathy, tyrannical Libel Laws are the pro-fascist's boot on the neck of freedom.

"...And I say, what is Britain coming to when a man cannot concoct a fraudulent case against a number of named individuals, repeatedly describe them as racist cranks and hate-filled sympathisers with genocidal terrorists, publish their employment details on the internet then set hundreds of online maniacs swarming over them like flying, screeching, shitting monkeys, without receiving a tetchy letter from a lawyer... It's outright oppression, is what it is."

League Of Democracies

2008-12-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

International Crime-Fighting Syndicate

Leeg-Ov-Deh-Maw-Krah-Sayz

Decision-making body composed of Democratic nations whose leaders can be relied upon to be accountable to their citizens, to respect the rule of law and to do what they're bloody-well told.

Notional replacement for the United Nations, theoretically proposed because the existing body has failed to exterminate evil from the universe, the League of Democracies will leap tall buildings and zip around the planet faster than a speeding bullet, fighting for truth, justice and the Republican way.

Admittance to the League would be dependent upon a country's democratic bona fides, its legal system, its human rights record and its willingness to accept international Norms of Decency, which would be considered in-depth before being utterly blown off in favour of a quick America, Yay!/America, Boo! qualification test.

Theoretically brilliant mechanism for annoying the Russians, the Iranians and the Syrians, the League of Democracies allows the most priapic level of moral grandstanding while still being laughably unworkable in practice, making it the quintessentially Decent enterprise.

Administrative Notes 8

2008-12-13T07:41:00.000-08:00

Announcement - Introducing "Decentpedia Arts"

The rise of blogging in recent years has laid bare the limitations of the traditional "dead tree" media. In today's multifaceted, super-lubricated media landscape, the mainstream press finds itself outstripped and intimately molested by the growth of newer, stupider online commentary.

Can any reader honestly deny that, on opening The Guardian, they have never thought to themselves, This newspaper needs many, many more nostalgic, colonoscopic ruminations on the history of punk rock?

Surely you have found yourself wishing that there was some outlet devoted to ponderous deconstruction of the endless Jihadist propaganda of primetime BBC dramas, and the subsequent rectal detection of racist tropes?

And who can honestly say that they have never seen a poster for a Hollywood film and thought, Boy, rather than pay to watch that, I'd far prefer to read a hysterical weblog entry accusing its director of sedition and complicity with terrorists?

If so, Decentpedia Arts is for you - a daily journal of cultural highlights viewed from a Decent perspective, vibrating and glistening in the shine-buffed abstraction of the cybermedial. It will be stuffed to the anus with fellatious reviews of the creative works of my friends and political allies, and strident condemnations of the traitorous artworks and the elitist literature of my political enemies.

Whether you're a frustrated, middle-aged white guy who is horribly embarrassed of the stupid opinions you held as a youngster, or just an old-fashioned small-minded reactionary terrified of modernity and hostile to the foreign and the novel, Decentpedia Arts will do for culture what its pusillanimous, mealy-mouthed sniping and bitter, resentment-fuelled carping have done for politics.

Upcoming articles include...

Nando's - My Deeply Authentic Proletarian Dining Odyssey

Bonekickers, Spooks And Doctor Who - The BBC Drama Department's Thirst For Murder

Question Time - Should The Left Support The Execution Of David Dimbleby?

Jon Snow - A Life In Broadcasting Fascist Lies

The Clash - How a Tenuous Connection To The Far Left Thirty Years Ago Means Joe Strummer Was a Nazi Communist

The Smiths - It Were All Trees Around Here When I Were a Lad (or, You Don't See Bands Like That These Days, It's All Just Noise Now, Isn't It)

The Berserkers Of Hollywood - Nick Cohen Can't See Any Jihadist Villains In Movies With His Head Jammed Up His Hoop

Why Free Speech Must Be Absolutely Free And Unlimited For Everyone, Except For Homophobic Jamaican Rappers, Guardian Columnists and Tedious Left Wing Bloggers, Who Should Be Imprisoned The Very Moment They Open Their Disgusting Mouths

Scaremongering

2008-12-06T07:07:00.001-08:00

Disingenuous Rhetorical Ploy

Scay-yer-Mun-Gerr-Ring

Upon being faced with a terrorist atrocity, a despicable attempt to spread dangerous levels of calm, reason and a sense of proportion amongst the Not-Yet-Murdered*.

The disgusting insinuation that Decents would attempt to smuggle bad policies past the populace by terrifying them into submission, made while wilfully ignoring the fact that suicide bombers will kill all of your children and pets by Christmas, ergo we must bomb Tehran.

*"Not-Yet-Murdered" - A snappy phrase meaning "Civilians", as coined by Professor Norman Geras, 2008.

From the annals of Decency - "Will an Iraq war make our Al Qaeda problem worse? Not likely." - Title of Slate Magazine article by Comrade Hitchens, 5/2/2003

Two O'Clock Bin-Rake

2008-12-04T13:58:00.001-08:00

Labour-Saving Device

Too-Oh-Clawk-Binn-Rayk

1) Of a sexist gentleman at Chucking-Out Time, one last stagger through the detritus of a rapidly-emptying nightclub in search of a friendly female of dubious virtue, for immoral purposes.

Much-beloved tactic of the thirsty gentleman who wishes to economise on charm, to leave more time for drinking.

2) Of a lazy Decent journalist with an imminent Deadline, one last stagger to one's computer to type the words Terrorism and Root Causes into Google News, in search of Some Guy With a Website one can use as an excuse to knock-off a half-assed article about relativism, for financial purposes.

Much-beloved tactic of the Decent gentleman who wishes to economise on effort, to leave more time for drinking.

From the Annals of Decency - " 'Anti-Americanism' is a transparent slur that libels and subverts the best of American freedom. It is a propaganda insult that is as contaminated as 'terrorist'. Right-wingers... use it shamelessly to suggest that those who are not happy with their abysmal status-quo are the moral equivalents of blood-drenched murderers." Nasty Nick Cohen, 14/1/02

Explanatism

2008-12-04T12:29:00.000-08:00

Rhetoric

Eck-Splah-Nah-Tizz-Zum

(Of a bien-pensant liberal elitist, upon being informed of an atrocity, animosity or bellicosity)

1) Any spoken or written statement that does not exclusively restrict itself to furious demands for the public flogging, flaying and beheading of all terrorists, their sympathisers and useful idiots in the west, or -

2) Any spoken or written statement that does not exclusively restrict itself to furious condemnation of terrorist ideology, its sympathisers and useful idiots in the west, followed by calls for their public flogging, flaying and beheading.

Relativist epidemic of quibbling and excuse-making for fascism on The Left, as diagnosed by David Aaronovitch following a quick Two O'Clock Bin-Rake, thus obviating any need to refrain from mounting one's high horse and acting the dick.

Terrorists Are Bad, to the power of ten.

n.b. Not to be confused with the act of mbunderstanding - a coterminous neologism coined by Professor Norman Geras following a heavy afternoon on the cooking sherry.

Plucked From The Annals Of Decency - "The notion that Saddam's removal will of necessity lead to chaos or the election of an unstable Islamist government is worthy of Henry Kissinger at his most cynical. It is pretty disgusting in the mouths of "left wingers" . " - Dangerous David Aaronovitch, 2/2/03

Scottish National Party

2008-10-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yet Another Notch Upon The Whittled Bedpost Of British Political Appeasement

Skaw-Tish Nah-Shun-Null Parr-Tay

Despicable fifth-columnists funding fascist activities, thus plunging the number of British political parties not directly involved in the promotion of terrorism and genocide to a figure that is now perilously close to "zero".

Disgusting Caledonian political organisation duplicitously exploiting misguided working class discontent with the honest, rough-hewn sons of toil in the Labour Party to sow hatred, fear and psychotic rampages of blood-curdling horror.*

Racist useful idiots whose recent electoral success north of the border is evidence of their mendacious, scheming nature and... Well, why the hell not - their incipient totalitarian ideology, probably.

Any perceived causal relationship between recent SNP electoral success and recent, Decent condemnation is entirely coincidental and any suggestion to the contrary is, in itself, fundamentally unserious.

*Disambiguation - Not to be confused with the British National Party, who are a pack of racist, thuggish fascists duplicitously exploiting entirely justified working class discontent with the chardonnay-swilling, middle class liberal elitists of the Academic/Media Complex to sow dissent, hatred and psychotic rampages of blood-curdling horror.

Source - SNP Direct Public Money to Hamas Front

2008-08-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

"It's Our Generation's Spanish Civil War"
Guest post by Jerry Gorgon, Canadian Decent Front

You know, furious anti-war leftists often stop me in the street and say Jerry, don't you think we should just leave Afghanistan and cheer the Taliban on as they embark on a genocidal rampage of blood-curdling horror?

I just laugh and say Of course not, for the Afghan campaign is this generation's Spanish Civil War, and I shall follow in the footsteps of great leftists like George Orwell by sitting in my study denouncing everyone who says otherwise.

It's usually at this point that they say something like Wait a minute, Orwell didn't do that. He joined a Republican militia, fought in engagements and got shot in the throat, and Why are you rattling on about the Spanish War as if you were some kind of eight-foot tall killing machine, rather than a slightly tweedy dork with a website?

I see that as the very epitome of leftist unseriousness, and I always make a point of saying Why? Because SHUT UP, that's why.

Despite this unreasoning and maniacal aggression, it remains vital that we complete our mission and defeat the Taliban. The fate of the Afghan people is in our hands, and we must stand by them in their hour of need. Failure is not an option.

Afghanistan is every bit as much like the Spanish Civil War as the invasion of Iraq was like World War II; so was the Israel/Lebanon war. It's as similar to the war in Spain as Russia vs. Georgia is to the appeasement of Hitler in 1938, i.e. practically identical.

Of course, one can always count on the defeatists and idiots of the anti-war left to come up with stupid objections. There are no end of fools pointing to the generals and military advisors who say they can't win without more troops, more materiel and more money... As if troops, tanks, helicopters, planes, guns, bombs and money were the most important thing in a war!

We shouldn't be distracted by such waffle. The most important thing is that we win - everything else is a secondary consideration, and no amount of complaining about how there aren't enough soldiers to beat the fascist Taliban changes that.

That's why I draw this astute comparison to the Spanish Civil War. Victory in Afghanistan is vital for the future of democracy in the region, and just as in Spain, it is imperative that other people do their part for the Afghan people.

Thank you.

Georgia

2008-08-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

In the Forefront of the Fight Against Fascism

Jorr-Jah

1. Defenceless democracy scurrilously invaded and occupied by the fascist Russians.

Laughably described by the Guardian conspiracy theorist Seumas Milne as being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit, to the general outrage and horror of Decents, who can recognise centuries-old anti-semitic tropes when they see them.

Source: That Milne Bloke Is Teh Fashizzle, Harry's Place, 14th August

2. Defenceless democracy scurrilously invaded and occupied by the fascist Russians.

Perceptively described by diagram-doodling deep thinker Marko Attilla Hoare as being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit, to the general approval and agreement of Decents, who can recognise incisive and serious analyses when they see them.

Source: Those Russian Blokes Are Teh Fashizzle, Harry's Place, 20th August

Any insinuations that Georgia is being backed by America and Israel for their own benefit is therefore borderline satire, exposing the ridiculous unseriousness of the Left, unless it isn't, in which case it's not.

Case Law

2008-08-13T07:50:00.001-07:00

Proceedings of the Court of Decency

Session 2008/09 CoD 22

Reality vs. Hitchens

Virtually an open and shut case, Reality vs. Hitchens is in fact the textbook example of the Conficamus (lit. "Fuck - It") principle in Decent Law.

The case hinged upon the following statement, published by the defendant Christopher Hitchens in defence of a certain ongoing military disaster ostentatiously supported by him -

"Surely it is those who opposed every step of this emancipation, rather than those who advocated it, who should be asked to explain and justify themselves."

Justice Geras, presiding, made short work of his verdict -

"There are things (those contending the statement) could say - he must know that. I mean, honest things, reasonable things. But so many of those who opposed the Iraq war have given voice, and for so much of the time, to the denial that there could have been any good reasons on the other side that his drawing attention to good news is very much to the point."

Analysis - Justice Geras does not mince words - in his judgement that "(Hitchens) must know that (there are honest and reasonable responses)" he clearly acknowledges that the defendant Hitchens is legally Plenus Stercoris (Lit. "Full of - shit").

Justice Geras then deftly dismisses the defendant's transgression by noting that, since some nasty people have previously called him (Geras) some unpleasant names, the Conficamus principle is invoked - the defendant's contention must therefore be utterly valid. All charges are summarily dismissed with no case to answer, all costs to be paid by Reality.

Interestingly this is, by this court reporter's estimation, roughly the 14,732nd occasion on which the defendant Hitchens has been found to be legally Plenus Stercoris, and the 14,284th time that a Decent Judge has dismissed all charges with a declaration of Conficamus.

n.b. Please note that Justice Geras' reference to "Good news" should not be taken to imply the existence of any actual, meaningful "Good news". In this instance, the "news" is "good" in the same sense that stepping in a large, fresh dog egg with a penny in it is "Good news" - your shoe is still covered in dog dirt, and what precisely are you going to do with a penny?

Full text of the judgement here.

Nando's

2008-08-09T04:26:00.000-07:00

Restaurant of the Righteous

Nahn-Doze

Eatery of choice for the rough-hewn, good-hearted working classes, Nando's provides fine Portuguese provender to the honest, hard-working Plebian and affords the enterprising corporate lawyer the opportunity to marinade his Decent bona fides in the spicy Peri-Peri sauce of the proletariat.

The authentic, modest fodder of Nando's is shunned and derided by the Waitrose-shopping liberal relativist in elitist acts of open contempt for the common man. For the average Decent, a visit to Nando's is an occasion for passionate self-congrulation, often prompting fulsome circle-jerks of the utmost ferocity, as if one had just finished a shift down a fucking coal mine.

External sources: Whistle While You Wank, Harry's Place.

The Surge

2008-08-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

Secular Miracle

1. And lo, it came to pass that Babylon was accursed with plagues, and the rivers did foam with blood; and there was drought, for the Water floweth not from the Taps of men, nor did the Power that is Electric light their tents.

2. And men were as beasts, and brother slew brother even unto the last Sunnite and the last Shi'ite, and there was a great Cleansing of Ethnics and Drilling of Heads, and mighty were the Bombings of Cars and the Missiles of Cruise that smote Babylon.

3. And the Gerasites and the Hitchenites looked upon Babylon and saw that it was not Good, and grew displeased, saying, Bugger, This Maketh Us Look Pretty Bad.

4. And, Let Us Blameth It All On The Head-Choppers And The Fascites And The Ba'athites, For They Are A Jolly Unpleasant Lot, and they did demand, Will You Condemn The Fascites And The Ba'athites?

5. Oh, Well, In That Case, Will You Condemn The Ahmadinejites? What About The Hamasites, Will You Condemn The Hamasites?

6. And so on.

7. And on.

8. And there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth, and the Condemnations of the Gerasites and the Hitchenites were Legion.

9. And when they did finally remember the plagues of the Babylonites, the Gerasites and Hitchenites offered up their prayers to the LORD, crying Oh Great One, Wilt Thou Not Do Something, Anything, and loud were their lamentations and the Pity that is Self.

10. And lo, the LORD looked upon them and sayeth, Now Shalt Begin The Great SURGE Of Freedom, and, I Now Send Unto Thee a Saviour, Who Is Called David Of Petraeus

11. And David Of Petraeus walked among the Babylonites and did giveth unto the Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites thirty pieces of silver, saying Here, Taketh This Cash And Quitteth With The Chopping of Heads And The Bombing Of Cars.

12. And unto them David Of Petraeus sayeth, I Am Just Off For A Lie Down In My Fortified Tent, It Would Be Great If Thou Lot Couldst Keep The Babylonites Quiet Until After The GLORIOUS APPEARING Of John Of McCain On The White House Lawn, If Thou Knowest What I Am Saying.

13. Nudge, Nudge.

14. And Thrice Nudge.

15. And the Head-Choppers and the Fascites and the Ba'athites rejoiced, and they took the thirty pieces of silver and gave them unto the Ahmadinejites and said, Giveth Us Some Of Those Slings That Are Automatic And Those Arrows That Are Piercing of Armour, For We Shalt Have Need Of Them Once David Of Petraeus Hath Sodded Off.

16. And it came to pass that the streets of Babylon were quietened a bit, although not that much.

17. And still the water did not flow, nor did the Power that is Electric light the tents of the Babylonites, and great was their fear of the Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites.

18. And the Gerasites and Hitchenites looked upon Babylon and saw that it was Good, and said, God Bless The SURGE!

19. And, God Bless the Head-Choppers and the Fascites and The Ba'athites, For They Hath Brought Peace To Babylon And Restored Our Faith.

20. And, Oh, Did We Sayeth Head-Choppers and Fascites and Ba'athites? Verily, We Meant "Democrats".

21. Yea, We Distinctly Remember Saying "Democrats".

22. And so it came to pass that the SURGE did WORK, and there was great rejoicing and loud were the Hosannas and the hearts of men were gladdened, and there was much mounting of the Horse that is High.

23. And the Babylonites did say, Why Are These Mentalites In Charge, and, Where's All This Freedom the LORD promised us, and, Hello, and, Is Anybody Listening?

24. And lo, nobody was.

Administrative Notes 7

2008-07-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

To The Barricades, Comrades - A Rallying Cry In Defence of Harry's Place

Arise, muscular liberals, for the enemy is at the gates in the form of Mohammed Sawalha, President of the British Muslim Initiative and his dastardly legal threats against Harry's Place.

Having been caught red-handed promulgating anti-semitic smears, this supporter of and fund-raiser for Hamas has launched a doomed legal action against that esteemed internet outlet for its reporting of quotes attributed to him by an entirely separate website in an attempt to intimidate the near-defenceless corporate lawyer David T. into silence.

These bullying tactics are a disgusting abuse of the legal process and English defamation laws, which should be reserved for only the most serious breaches, such as those occurring when Guardian writer David Edgar points out that Nick Cohen is full of shit or Some Guy With a Website says something nasty about Oliver Kamm.

Rest assured that this chilling suit is merely the tip of the iceberg. If Harry's Place is silenced for reporting the truth and backing it up with solid evidence, then the era of the Will-You-Condemn-a-Thon is officially over and, with it, muscular liberalism itself.

A movement which bases its worldview upon quotes ripped out of context, wild and highly defamatory speculation over the motives of its enemies, dubious anecdotes, Decent Telepathy, viscious two-minute hates and baseless, hysterical accusations of proto-fascism will surely shrivel up and die the instant it is dragged under the microscope of the judicial process.

Just think - all that good work poured into dissecting Ken Livingstone's public statements and extrapolating near-Hitlerian levels of fascism... Gone in a firestorm of white-hot litigation!

Those extended hate-harshes against academic unions attempting to boycott Israel, and all of those maniacal insinuations about their outright jew-hatred... Blasted into smithereens by bewigged legal assassins!

Those countless celebrities, columnists, politicians, journalists, writers, thinkers, film-makers, bloggers, broadcasters, and religious figures constantly depicted as jack-booted fascists, hankering ravenously to devour democracy itself... Why, any one of them could stand up and insist that any and all muscular liberals take full legal responsibility for their actions.

Unthinkable! If I choose to defame a minor public figure as a genocidal fascist with exterminationist tendencies who propagandises for terrorists, then it's up to that person to refute my arguments, and also the mendacious counter-arguments I'll deploy ad infinitum thereafter.

So I urge all of you to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Harry's Place on this issue. Remember, these are the same courts that refused to find against George Galloway, on the pitiful grounds that his accusers couldn't produce any reliable evidence against him.

Liberty, if it means anything, is the right to disparage whoever one likes in a consequence-free environment, and that applies just as much to known anti-semitic scum like Sawalha as it does to thousands of random political opponents we don't like.

Failed State

2008-06-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

Country In Chaos

Fayld Stayt

1. A State which has failed to elect a government sufficiently congenial to the foreign policy aims of the Republicans and/or Israel, and requires an intervention to adjust the population's attitude.

2. A State which will not be receiving a Christmas card from the League of Democracies this year.

3. Slanderous term used to describe Iraq, a nation where an intervention has granted the population the freedom to decide whether they are tortured to death by the Republicans or the fascists, and the people give daily thanks that they do not live in Alternative Iraq.

Updated - George Orwell

2008-04-12T07:18:00.001-07:00

Historical Figure (1903-1950)

Novelist, political commentator and Patron Saint of Decency, George Orwell's ideas form the basis of modern Muscular Liberalism.

While he garners much respect for having physically confronted fascism by enlisting to fight in the Spanish Civil War, he is particularly lionised by Muscular Liberals for his political writings.

His most important and relevant works heap derision upon elitist Hampstead liberals and the Ivory Tower intelligentsia, rigorously refuting and ridiculing their moral relativism and liberal guilt.

Orwell was also the celebrated author of works on linguistic accuracy in political speech, inspiring Decents to eschew all forms of propaganda and weasel words when arguing.

His influence upon Decency cannot be overstated, and all over Britain hundreds of committed Muscular Liberals dedicate themselves to ensuring that his vision becomes reality.

An Anatomy of Decency - How Orwell's Vision Was Realised

Problematically, however, historians tend to gloss over Orwell's psychotic hatred of elephants, which he hunted and executed by the thousand, gunning them down without mercy while laughing in celebration.

Selected Bibliography

Homage To Catalonia - Entertaining knock-about larks in Spain, in which the author comes to realise that physically fighting fascists in wars should be secondary to penning venomous screeds denouncing The Left.

Notes On Nationalism - Fiery polemic dissecting the tendency of useful idiots to don ideological blinkers that prevent them from perceiving politically inconvenient facts, leading to the acceptance of irrational, illogical and highly partisan beliefs, like a gaggle of unstoppably dense football supporters.

Animal Farm - Cautionary tale describing how the Far Left became everything it once despised by allying itself with its former foes, rather than working democratically with Man to incrimentally advance the cause of Animalkind.

Politics And The English Language - Masterclass in the art of Decent discourse.

1984 - Novel exploring the use of euphemism and selective memory as a tool of control. Required reading for Muscular Liberals.

External sources: Politics and the English Language by George Orwell, British Writer Sought After Elephant-Shooting Spree, Guardian Online

(Cough, Cough, Mumble)

2008-04-07T14:27:00.000-07:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Koff-Koff Mumm-bal

The intermediate stage in the typical tripartite Decent foreign policy initiative, book-ended by the initial confrontation of fascism and the final democratisation of tyrannies endgame, leading to yet another giant forward step in the march of liberty. (See also, magical ponies.)

Worryingly flimsy rhetorical plywood bridging the yawning chasm that separates the moral imperative from the positive policy outcome.

"Friends, it is vital to the future of peace in the region that we support the Iraqi Trade Unions, while glossing over their continued opposition to the American occupation. We must continue to show solidarity with their cause until... (Cough, Cough, Mumble) ... at which point the Iraqi people will finally defeat Islamist obscurantism and tyranny."

(Cheers, cries of "Hooray for democracy!")

"Indeed, I say to you that now is also the time to stand up to the tyrants of the Chinese Communist Party!"

(Wild applause, Hoo-ah!s)

"And not only that, but all nations must boycott the forthcoming Beijing Olympic Games, thus forcing the Chinese authorities to... (Cough, Mumble, Cough) ... a free Tibet and a democratic China! Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"

(Hysteria, palpatations, speaking in tongues)

Alternatively, the Jurassic Park Fallacy, after the laughable 1990 Michael Crichton novel and subsequent film, in which idealistic scientists somehow manage to create viable dinosaurs from some DNA and some damn fresh air.

Administrative Notes 6

2008-04-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

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It's No Longer Left vs. Right, But Pro-Western vs. Anti Western

2008-03-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

Guest Post By Barry Agricola Coccyx

The distinction between the "Left" and the "Right" right in global politics today is increasingly redundant. The dialectic has given rise to and been superceded by a new dialectic: Pro-Western vs. Anti-Western.

As this new paradigm has arisen, it has become apparent that the Pro-Western factions (or The Goodies, if you will) believe in free markets, the welfare state and liberal democracy, while the Anti-Western movements (let us say, The Baddies) put their faith in sociopathic hatred, mindless violence and psychotic outbursts of bloodcurdling horror.

To appreciate the magnitude of this tectonic upheaval in global politics, one must look back to the dominant political consensus of the Cold War era, when Left and Right moved in two distinct orbits but could put aside their differences and come together in the interests of liberal democracy if so required.

The Cold War Spectrum

With the collapse of the Soviet Union, however, political thought has bashed itself inside out and disappeared up its own fundamentals, and now a coalition of Blairites, former Cold War liberals and Neoconservatives (or Us, if that would be easier) find themselves on the frontlines of a battle for the democratic future of the human species.

A significant portion of the former "Left", however, found itself with no outlet for their anti-democratic impulses, and soon found willing partners in fascist, anti-democratic movements. This motley crew of Islamists, Stalinists and nasty Tories (Them seems apt) squat at the opposite end of the new political spectrum, where their ferocious hatred burns remorseless in the eternal night of their fat, black totalitarian hearts.

The Modern Political Landscape

At first glance, this political labyrinth is a minefield of pitfalls and mantraps, but with the correct ideological maps, torches and crampons it is possible to safely navigate its swift, often treacherous waters.

What cleaves the mere Pro-Western left (Our political allies, if you will) from Muscular Liberalism (Me and my mates) who stand steadfast in the face of this looming menace is the willingness to intervene militarily to protect our values. This "Bright line" neatly demarcates the Muscular Liberal from the merely tepid Pro-Westerner in the new political landscape, and is depicted on the right.

It is only when all of these elements are combined that we can begin to make sense of the threat we face, and the proper position of Decency in this era-defining existential struggle for humanity.

The Muscular Liberal In a Post-Left World

I think it is clear where the Muscular Liberal stands in this fight - proud, upright and unafraid to raise his head, spit in the eye of the enemy and say I will not be beaten, sucked in or jerked around by Fascists!

Our faith in liberal democracy is a mighty weapon, and we must use it to draw a line in the sand against anti-liberal religious chauvanists. The hand of fate has fallen into our laps, and we refuse to spend the Greatest Intellectual Struggle of Our Time tucked out of sight or stuck in the rear.

Thank you for your time.

Tibet

2008-03-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

Nation

Tih-Bett

Oppressed, occupied Asian nation whose mere existence is evidence of the righteousness of Decency and the spectacular villainy of Anti-Imperialism.

Political football repeatedly blasted into an open goal by gaggles of Muscular Liberals stating that no useful idiot has ever, in the history of political discourse, raised any objection to the Chinese repression of the Tibetan people.*

The ultimate whatabout, effortlessly annihilating all ideological foes, Tibet is the cruise missile of political discussion, laying waste to all suspicious arguments leaving the Muscular Liberal standing alone at the very summit of the moral high-ground.

*Unlike Decents, who can rarely be prevailed upon to stop discussing the plight of the Tibetan people and engaging in political activism to ameliorate their condition.

"I don't expect the Israelis to sit on their hands while rockets are landing on their cities, but after forty years of massive retaliation I don't think missile strikes -"

"Tibet!"

"What?"

"Tibet! Tibet! Tibet!"

"Excuse me? What has that-"

"Tibet! Tibet! Ha ha, no answer for that, eh, stopper? You all saw that - he doesn't care about the suffering of the Tibetan people, but he's obsessed with Israel! Suspicious, the way he singles out the Jews, eh? Why don't you take your racist hatred somewhere else, you disgusting bigot?"

"But I-"

"Shut up, fascist - your agenda has been exposed."

See also WWGD?, Catalogue of Contempt, Will-You-Condemn-A-Thon.

Alternative Iraq

2008-03-11T14:11:00.000-07:00

Psychological Construct

Awl-Terr-Nah-Tiv Ih-Rak

Diabolical, imaginary country not liberated by the Republicans, in which the daily horrors and atrocities are so vicious, extreme and barbaric that it makes the real misery of actually existing Iraqis look like a three-ring circus replete with clowns, jolly music and popcorn.

A hellish land existing entirely within a parallel universe, invoked to scold realists and pro-fascists for their maniacal desire to retrospectively subject Alternative Iraqis to hideous, agonising, and entirely fictional deaths for political purposes.

Details are sketchy, but one imagines that Alternative Iraq is a collossal inferno where the inhabitants are chained to ravenous bears and the tabouleh is booby-trapped with spring-loaded jars of pissed-off tarantulas and scorpions.

Further, it seems likely that the football pitches writhe with poisonous asps, the markets throng with troops of sexually enraged baboons and one cannot so much as bend over to pick up a coin in the street without being badly gored in the anus by a disgruntled rhinoceros.

"Given the horrific slaughter that has resulted from the invasion of Iraq, it would seem that it was unwise to trust the Republicans, and that the doctrine of liberal intervention must be subjected to a thoroughgoing and rigorous audit process to determine why it failed."

"You anti-imperialist lefties disgust me, with your blatant, cold-hearted disregard for the lives of Alternative Iraqis. However horribly the fascists, Ba-athists and jihadists have disfigured Iraq, there can be no doubt that it is better than what would have happened if we had not intervened."

Disambiguation - Alternative Iraq should not be confused with Iraq, a land existing in a parallel universe in which fictional Mesopotamian men of peace conduct an entirely non-sectarian conflict against a generalised concept of evil, as embodied by non-Iraqi terrorists, via the endeavours of selfless Republicans and a largely illusory Iraqi Army.

See also Iranian Bus Drivers, Iraqi Political Football, Ghost Dance of Geras,

Administrative Notes 5

2008-03-04T04:24:00.000-08:00

Excellent news comrades - the latest edition of Democratiya is now available and contains a rich bounty of insightful and inventive writing.

In this issue, criminology lecturer Simon Cottee utilises the full force of his interrogative powers to enthusiastically me-too Decent Dole recipient Andrew Anthony's furious struggle to shout down the left hemisphere of his own brain.

Foreign Secretary David Miliband announces his fervent belief in the vital importance of sucking up to the Democrats in The Democratic Imperative. Sample quote...

"...I know that many of you will have doubts, citing the mistakes we made in Iraq and Afghanistan... And yes, sadly, mistakes were made. My plea is that you don't let your opinion of the trillion-dollar bloodbath we accidentally kick-started in Vietraq prevent you from supporting movements for democracy... by which I mean, saying Yes, Boss and throwing our weight behind whatever hare-brained scheme we're told to support next...

...So, we must resist the argument of the left and right to retreat into a world of realpolitik, and yadda-yadda-yadda, you get the idea - bombs away, freedom and democracy etcetera.

Thank you for your time, enjoy the finger buffet, all major credit cards accepted."

Prof. Andrei S. Markovitz takes time out from detailing the many injustices he suffered as a child at the hands of anti-American Viennese school teachers to remind us that, since Britain is populated almost entirely with Jew-hating fascists, none of us need re-examine the petty resentments, fallacious certitudes and hyper-partisan outrage that constitute Decent discourse.

Student David Zarnett relieves his bulging bladder over a re-examination of Orientalism while firing rhetorical cannonballs at a shrieking, 700-foot tall SaidZilla that threatens to rampage across Europe, crushing empirical analysis and truth with mighty swipes of its relativist paws.

Matthew Omolesky warns that a France which does not immediately accept the wildly popular cult of Muscular Liberalism as its state religion risks sliding into irrelevance, while Pimp-My-Senator Scoopist Robin Simcox reminds us that Terrorists Are Bad before denouncing the stupidity of those so discombobulated by relativism that they can't recognise impending victory in the War On Terror when they see it.

Finally, editor Alan Johnson passes round the begging bowl and offers salt-of-the-earth leftists the fantastic opportunity to send him large sums of money. Hands in pockets, fellow anti-fascists, for this kind of repetitive reshuffling of the same five talking points, ably remixed by a gaggle of po-faced academics, does not come cheap.

And remember the Democratiya motto - Liberty, if it means anything, is the right to tell ones readers what they wish to hear, over and over again.

Choice

2008-03-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

Rhetoric

Choyss

1. Absolute freedom of action and moral agency available to fascists.

2. Absolute freedom of action and moral agency seldom, if ever, available to democrats.

"After the initial terrorist attacks, we had no choice other than to use minimum force to counter the threat."

"Pardon me, General, but it says here you bombed the airport, the petrol stations, the factories, the highways, the supermarkets, shops, bakeries, sea ports... In fact, you appear to have bombed practically everything except for the terrorists themselves."

"Exactly - it was an appalling act of terrorism-by-proxy, for which the terrorists bear ultimate responsibility."

Health & Safety Regs

2008-02-27T08:56:00.000-08:00

Suicide-By-Bureaucracy

Hellthh Ahnd Sayff-Tay Reggz

Foolish and unnecessary red tape employed by liberal relativists to impede the reconstruction of liberated stable democracies.

Silly, legalistic indicators of a culture of risk avoidance, Health & Safety Regs are the Taliban's greatest ally, and the only obstacle preventing courageous Observer journalists from immediately charging out to Helmand province to help out our brave boys, causing them to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.*

*The Decent Observer journalists, not our brave boys.

Case Law

2008-02-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

Proceedings of the Court of Decency

Session 2007/08 CoD96 - F.O.I. Request 08/34/2

R. Thomas vs H.M.G.

(Rush transcript - 11.32 27/2/08, Justice Brown presiding)

(Transcript begins)

Justice Brown: "...Turning to our next case, let's see... Ah! That bloody information commissioner, what? Thomas, isn't it? Still banging on about that Iraq nonsense I see... Oh well, I suppose we might as well just bash through it, make it look good..."

"...So, you want the transcript of the pre-war cabinet meetings released. Ho ho, you never give up, you nasty little terrier you... Let's see... 'The decision to take military action against another state is so important that accountability... etcetera etcetera, public interest and so on and so forth...'"

Well, this looks an open and shut case to me, Thomas old boy. You've clearly failed to understand how British democracy works, eh? See, in Britain, what we do is elect a party to represent our interests - that party elects a leader, and that leader is then free to do whatever he sees fit, without having to answer a lot of impertinent questions from jumped-up quill-pushers such as yourself."

"Indeed, I see a further difficulty here - this 'transparency and accountability' malarkey sets a jolly bad precedent. If we start auditing government decision making, that'll hardly encourage them to be more open about their true intentions in future, will it?"

Thomas: "I object your honour, I - (Inaudible) - in the interests of full public disclosure - (Inaudible, "public trust", "governance", some such nonsense)

JB: "Yes, that's all well and good, Thomas, but what if ministers were unable to get their story straight in private before presenting a pack of half-truths, exaggerations and outright lies to the public? If Johnny Taxpayer is going to stick his oafish nose into every cabinet meeting, it carries a real risk that ministers will be less open and transparent when preparing to mislead the public over future foreign policy disasters."

Thomas: (Inaudible, 'pre-emptive' this, 'war of choice' that, 'misleading the electorate' etc. etc... i.e. much the same prating foolishness as before)

JB: "Overruled, Thomas, you contemptible little scrote. What's all this about 'Pre-emptive war', then? Surely that's the whole point, you clot. One goes to the great trouble of shooting first precisely so that one can ask questions later, or preferably never... I'm satisfied that this will all come out in the fullness of time, by which point everyone will have forgotten what the problem was, and there'll be no unpleasant prosecutions - case dismissed."

"Now you, Thomas, Information Commissioner or not - I'm of good mind to fine you for wasting the court's time this morning, you meddlesome little turd. What's your interest in overturning the basics of British governance, eh? For let us not forget that Liberty, If It Means Anything, Is The Right To Elect a Prime Minister Then Slavishly Obey His Whims Without Getting Ideas Above Our Station, eh?"

"Get out of my sight, you despicable oaf... Now, what's next... What? Lunchtime already? Good show, I'm ruddy starving, and I've got the Common Man vs. the Liberal Intelligentsia to do first thing tomorrow morning..."

(Transcript ends)

Full text of written judgement

Comedy

2008-02-15T09:29:00.000-08:00

TBC

Koh-Meh-Day

1. Unserious pandering to the infantile prejudices of ivory tower dwelling bien pensants by a light entertainer, in which the politics overwhelms the humour.

Smug, self-righteous moral and intellectual idiocy dressed up as the very apex of rib-tickling ribaldry.

2. Obsessive and suspicious activity indulged in by wankers.

3. Devastatingly witty response to any mildly political or military occurance, in which one imitates the tone of one's political enemies for chucklesome satirical effect.

"I see that there have been extensive blackouts in Tehran today, with some speculating that the elderly power grid cannot maintain supply to all parts of the city due to a lack of maintenance. Some are asking whether external actors may have played a part... Take it from the top, boys!"

"It has to have been the ZioCon Crusaderz LOL!!!!"

Small man with miniature drumkit - "Ba-Doom, Tish!"

"Ha ha, no, it was the JOOOOOOOOS using their mystical powers, ha ha ha ha OMFG!!!1!!1!"

Fat man with duck whistle - "OOOOoooooOOOOO!"

"Ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ROTFLMAO!!!!!!"

"No, no, I've got it now, it was an eight-foot tall uberrace of NeoKKKon space-lizards who zapped Tehran's electricity networks with gamma rays and lazer beams from an orbital network of Hebraic satellite lazers!"

(Silence, Tumbleweeds)

"You've taken that too far, Oliver."

Higher Standards

2008-02-13T12:30:00.000-08:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Hy-Yer Stahn-Darrdz

Craftly rhetorical wriggle for excusing the departures from universal principles of nations basking in the warm glow of Decent affections.

The same standards.

Legal restrictions requiring nations to minimise civilian casualties while Al-Qaedifying cities in acts of self-defence, which theoretically apply to democrats, sometimes.

Exculpatory gambit used to cast suspicion upon the motives of any person with the audacity to suggest that civilised nations should not bomb heavily populated urban areas, even if terrorists are bad.

"The massive bombardment of Beirut's most heavily populated areas and the deliberate destruction of civilian infrastructure including roads, shops, petrol stations, factories, ports and airport runways, amongst many others, were clear violations of international laws and war crimes."

"How ridiculous - I object to your obsessive singling-out of Israel. Why should this one, tiny state be held to higher standards than everybody else?"

Some Guy With a Website

2008-02-11T14:52:00.000-08:00

Fountain of Knowledge/Vanguard of Fascism

Sum Gye With Ah Wehb-Syte

1. An invaluable source of information, Some Guy With a Website provides insight and expertise into the technical specifications of military hardware, the velocities and trajectories of countless projectile weapons, the history of printing and fonts on typewriters and computers, sunlight and shadow in digital and film photography, editing technology, political history and gossip, amongst many other subjects, all of which is put to good use proving that the armed forces of Civilised nations have never, at any point, killed or injured anyone.

2. As above, but put to good use proving that the Academic/Media Complex and Humanitarian NGOs act in malign confederacy against Democrats to blacken their names with a daily litany of false accusations about the legitimate security operations of western nations.

3. An arch-propagandist with a suspicious, obsessive urge to post daily stories portraying an ethnic or religious minority as a dire threat to the life of the nation. Some Guy With a Website viciously and repeatedly insists that said minority bears responsibility for most of the world's problems, before inviting his readers to indulge in a prolonged hate session. The mere existence of such a Guy With a Website is evidence of the neverending corruption and perfidy of The Left.

"Hey, did you hear that Some Guy With a Website has run those Reuters photos through his algorithmic transmogriphicationaliser, and it turns out it was all the Palestinians' fault?"

"Wow, I always thought that looked suspicious. Hey, look - Some Guy With a Website says that the Americans are trying to flog the Iraqis' natural resources to their business associates at super-bonanza knock-down prices!"

"What nonsense - this is evidence of the lunacy, irrelevance and derangement of the Left."

See also Decent Taxi, Decent TARDIS.

Nothing

2008-02-10T13:20:00.000-08:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Nuh-Thing

The preferred foreign policy choice of pointy-headed liberal academics, who would far rather sneer in disdain at the victims of tyranny than support an intervention.

Doing nothing is the knee-jerk response to tyranny of those who lack the basic humanity to back massive aerial bombing campaigns to liberate the oppressed, the interminable occupation of their country and the selling of their natural resources to ones business associates at super-bonanza knock-down prices.

"Why are you so determined to extend Saddam's reign of terror? 600,000 Rwandans died because people like you did nothing."

Muscular Taxonomy

2008-02-10T11:43:00.000-08:00

Know Your Decency

A Regular Series

#2 The Adumbrator

An intellect of near-galactic proportions, The Adumbrator is charged with the intellectual heavy lifting of Decentism, focusing the vast power of his remarkable mind upon the threat of modern Horrorism.

Through the use of Thought Experiments, The Adumbrator explores the motivations and manifestations of Atrocitivistic Nihilism, in the context of the impending British Jihadalanche. With only the occasional aside to inform the public of the countless dusky maidens he has selflessly penetrated, he ponders the great unaskable questions of the modern age, such as Have Women Become Too Uppity To Outbreed The Heathen? and There, That's Ten Thousand Words, Will That Do?

"There is a definite urge - don't you have it? - to say 'The Muslim community will have to suffer until it gets its house in order.' What sort of suffering? Chinese burns and wedgies... The infliction of dead arms, further down the road... The flushing of heads down the sixth-form's toilets, until it hurts the whole community and they start bogwashing their children... And if that doesn't work, perhaps a program of sterilisation." - From The Great, Big, Bumper Book Of Adumbration, Vol. II

Serious

2008-02-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

Euphemism

See-Ree-Yuss

Polite term indicative of a person undergoing a spectacularly extroverted mid-life crisis, which manifests itself in ferocious demands for respect and acceptance, with sundry other quirks.

Generally occurring in men aged 35-60 who have experienced an epiphany, an outbreak of Seriousness often causes embarrassing, bellicose rants, the adoption of bizarre mental and verbal tics and a deranged desire to cruise up and down the streets of the middle east showing off one's brand-new F-22 Raptor to young ladies.

Following a period of self-examination, the Serious often concocts a strange and alarming fantasy world and can lash out violently at those who intrude into his inner psychodrama. The condition can fatally damage the Serious's personal life and career, as the extroverted nature of the disorder leads him to seek wide publicity for his new-found certainties, not unlike a slightly slow toddler proudly showing a dinner guest his whiffy, full-up potty.

Thankfully, men afflicted with all but the most acute Seriousness can overcome the condition by podgering their secretary, or by purchasing a high-powered motorcycle and driving it into a stationary vehicle at seventy miles-per-hour.

Some, however, will never shake the condition and are condemned to a life of Seriousness.

"There's no doubt about it - Martin Amis is one of Britain's most Serious authors."

See also Unserious.

*Are you afflicted with Seriousness? Would you like to meet fellow sufferers and discuss your condition? Perhaps a family member has become Serious, and you would like to find out more. If so, visit the support group's website and please - give generously.

Rhetorical Inflation

2008-02-01T09:08:00.000-08:00

Argumentative Gambit

Reh-Taw-Rick-Kal Inn-Flay-Shun

Despicable tactic employed by self-hating liberal relativists and Humanitarian NGOs, whereby the severity of an event, policy or group of people are exaggerated beyond all recognition for political purposes.

Commonly used when discussing the Departures From Universal Principles of civilised nations, this ploy is used to inculcate fear and outrage in the audience, rendering them pliable and accepting of extreme views.

Unfortunately, this tactic plays right into the hands goose-stepping Islamist fascists, who love nothing more than settling down in front of the television with nibbles to laugh in celebration at such foolishness. In propagandising for the vanguard of modern Nazism, thus do the bruschetta-munching useful idiots lay the ground work for a billion-strong army of Islamic stormtroopers to enslave the entire planet under the thousand-year rule of a totalitarian Caliphate.

Amnesty International Spokesman - "By suspending the right of prisoners to hear evidence presented against them, the American government is fatally undermining its own moral authority and damaging its ability to pressurise authoritarian states for their human rights violations."

Bearded Jihadists - "Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Pass the Doritos, Hassan, for tonight we dine upon the spicy salsa of enlightenment values!"

Administrative Notes 4

2008-01-29T11:24:00.000-08:00

"...talk about 'a war to end war', a 'war for small nations', a 'war for democracy'... Its sole purpose is to make the reader feel that the hatred stirred up in him is righteous indignation, and may be indulged to benefit mankind." - Bertrand Russell

"Morals are private. Decency is public." - Rita Mae Brown

"Who are you to condemn another's sin? He who condemns becomes part of it, espouses it." - Georges Bernanos

"As far as I'm concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue." - Albert Einstein

"...This suggests we may simplify our account of what constitutes a good man: A good man is one whose opinions and activities are pleasing to the holders of power." - Bertrand Russell

"Hypocrisy is great fodder for comedy." - Mo Rocca

Updated - Racism

2008-01-24T10:52:00.000-08:00

Noun

Ray-Sizz-Zum

1. Anti-Semitism.

2. Bullshit accusations employed by Ken Livingstone and his cackling horde of gremlins and familiars, used to assail and smear wide-eyed, honest Decents while shitting smouldering brimstone all over the streets of London.

Dishonest, cowardly tactic used in bad faith to deflect deserved criticism by mendacious, deceitful persons.

"Frankly, I think that the financial irregularities Livingstone has presided over look a bit dodgy, and he has questions to answer."

"Why are you singling out Ken, eh? Whatabout all those other cases of corruption in the Labour Party... Cash For Honours, Lord Levy, Wendy Alexander - Will-You-Condemn them too? I find this obsession with Ken a bit suspicious."

"Who, me? But surely it's reasonable to ask -"

"Looks like a case of naked racism to me - why should Ken be held to a higher standard? You seem to be hinting at some Well-Funded Kennite plot to dominate the Earth through a network of Socialist space satellite lasers."

"But-"

"Frankly, your obvious anti-Ken agenda is just grievance mongering driven by hatred, and is indicative of the rampant racism that is so prevalent in the Decent Left these days. I'm disgusted."

Theocracy

2008-01-24T10:03:00.000-08:00

Religious Political System

Thee-Aw-Krah-Say

1. Despicable system of government by which totalitarians rule in the name of God, which should be firmly opposed in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Turkey and other countries.

2. Legitimate system of government by which moderates rule in the name of Democracy, which should be firmly supported in Iraq and Afghanistan.

See also Solidarity With Decent Iraqis, Stable Democracy.

Neoconitis

2008-01-20T12:16:00.000-08:00

Clinical Unseriousness

Nee-Yoh-Kaw-Ny-Tiss

Debilitating mental condition afflicting brie-scoffing liberal relativists and ivory-tower dwelling elitists, as diagnosed by Alan Johnson, causing them to rend their garments in apopleptic rage.

The sole reason for the refusal of the Britsh public to embrace Muscular Liberalism in its entirety, symptoms of Neoconitis include disruption to sensory perception, susceptability to conspiracy theories and strong allergic reactions to bullshit.

Typically, sufferers will fail to recognise signs of social democracy in those who agitate for the replacement of established international law with a loose set of poorly defined statements amounting to "The Republicans do whatever they like, no matter how deranged or self-serving."

Examples of mass outbreaks of Neoconitis include voters in the American Democratic Party primaries in 2006, who went berserk, convincing themselves that lifelong socialist and humanitarian Senator Joe Lieberman was some kind of Republican hack.

In reality, Lieberman's record of near-total support for Republican chicanery over war, massive redistributions of wealth to the economic elite and bankruptcy bills that shaft the public for the benefit of credit card companies was a sign of his deep, committed Leftism.

See also Neoconitis by Alan Johnson.

The Aaronovitch Dodge

2008-01-12T08:44:00.000-08:00

Twinkle-Toed Argumentative Evasion

Thee Ay-Rawn-Noh-Vitch Doj

Two-part rhetorical ploy and moral blank cheque first employed by the nimble Decent journalist David Aaronovitch to skip past defenders.

Faced with an opponent, one first misdirects him or her by announcing that any person who refuses to support certain ill-conceived foreign policy adventures will bear moral responsibility for future deaths.

Having bedazzled slow-footed opponents, one then swiftly changes direction by announcing that those who supported said foreign policy clusterfucks bear no moral responsibility for the consequences thereof.

Correctly employed, this devastating rhetorical swerve leaves opponents dumbstruck at your audacity, while you bask in a zen-like state of absolute moral perfection, forever protected from the need to face certain unpleasant conclusions.

"But surely, Mr. Aaronovitch, your committed support for the invasion of Iraq was of great use to the British government at a time when it was having difficulties convincing the public of the case for war. By articulating and advocating the government's case with such care and deliberation, surely you bear some responsibility for the chaos and mayhem that resulted."

"I don't know nothing, mate - a big Fascist did it and ran away... It was like that when I got here. My Islamist dog ate it... It just broke itself, I never touched it... Oh, look, are those Iranian Bus Drivers?"

See also Terrorists Are Bad, Terrorism-By-Proxy, Departure From Universal Principles, Failures in the Reconstruction Process, Mea Culpa Sed Tu Quoque Ad Maximum.

Peace Conference

2008-01-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hope/Suicide of Nations

Pees Con-Feh-Rance

Conciliatory summit at which democrats and fascists come together in the spirit of their shared humanity to thrash out a deal that will be judged fair and equitable by the Republicans.

Moral Compass

2008-01-08T16:07:00.000-08:00

Mystical Voodoo Power

Maw-Rul Kum-Pus

Unerring internal guide of righteousness, useful for examining vastly complex bloodbaths involving an incomprehensible patchwork of militias, death squads, private armies, criminal gangs and terrorist groups, all of whom split their loyalties between a bewildering array of political, religious, national and tribal interests, and deciding which faction to support.

This 100% reliable tool of moral guidance is also useful for divining which group represents the forces of democracy in any intractable, bloody feud over land and resources between a network of competing political, criminal and religious sects.

This instinctual understanding helps the Muscular Liberal focus like a laser upon the core truths of any given conflict. He or she can thus identify the good guys, who can then be supported with mealy-mouthed newspaper articles and highly partisan blog posts, while simultaneously slaying the ravenous beast of relativism with the sword of whatabout?

Similarly, this arcane ability allows one to spot the fascists in any given conflict, the better to deliver surgical strikes upon military targets.

n.b. While the moral compass functions with absolute precision during foreign conflicts, it can often become more difficult to read during western interventions, especially if there are numerous instances of Al-Qaedification and Terrorism-by-Proxy.

At such times, it's important to note that such situations are messy and that bad things happen during wars.

The Phantom Stopper

2008-01-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

Terrifying Supernatural Phenomenon

Tha Fan-Tum Staw-Purr

The disembodied spirit of a deceased fascist, the Phantom Stopper roams the streets of Britain, disorienting Decents with its plaintive, deceptive cries. The Phantom lurks nearby whenever political issues are discussed, howling its ghoulish messages into the night.

Its ghostly exhortations can be heard on dark and stormy evenings, when a fell voice seems to carry upon the wind, insinuating itself into the minds of sensitive Decents with cries of "Ooooo.... Death to the imperialist Amerikkkans.... Ooooo...."

Sudden visitations by the Phantom can cause great confusion to the psychically attuned, as the articulation of simple political concepts seems to distort into bloodcurdling shrieks for genocide and war.

"Well, as I was saying, I think that the more right-wing American politics become, the more counter-productive its foreign policies are."

"That's a good point - the era of Republican dominance has - wait, what's that noise?"

"I can't hear anything."

"I distinctly heard you say 'Oooo, the Zionist entity must be destroyed, Oooo'."

See also Decent Telepathy, Decent TARDIS, Decent Taxi

Festive Admin Note

2007-12-25T04:16:00.000-08:00

Waitrose

2007-12-22T08:59:00.000-08:00

Supermarket of Sedition

Way-Trows

Effete purveyor of goods and services, Waitrose is the consumer choice of pointy-headed liberal relativists and ivory tower elitists.

Its aisles jammed with expensive beverages and hilariously ethnic foodstuffs, it is here that the chattering classes that constitute the Academic/Media Complex gather to bray their contempt for the working man, before engaging in sordid bottom-based activities and mass golden showers.

Sample shopping list

Brie
Bruschetta
Latte
Anti-Semitic Pizza
Non-Israeli organic olives

Muscular Liberals disdain the fare available at the effeminate retailers, preferring to shop at Aldi with proletarian credibility while shunning all those branded with The Mark of Waitrose.

See also Liberal Dinner Party, What's Left?

Muscular Taxonomy

2007-12-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

Know Your Decency

A Regular Series

#1 The Working Class Superhero

A titan of authenticity, the Working Class Superhero speaks for his entire social stratum with invincible moral authority, his every pronouncement a testament to the hard-learned wisdom of generations of ordinary Britons.

Appearing in public, onlookers gasp in astonishment at his amazing feats of humbleness, as he holds forth on who is and is not Tory filth, liberal scum, middle class vermin or fascist bastards.

Using the boundless power of his proletarian bona fides, the Superhero defends New Labour, the beloved blue-collar tribunes of the people, from relentless attacks by an unstoppable tide of chardonnay-swilling liberal elitists and ivory tower intellectuals. Armed with only five cursewords and a hideously repellent personality, the Superhero lays waste to the Waitrose-shopping moral relativists who seek to crush the plebians beneath their perfumed heel.

For intellectual sustenance, the Superhero turns to those rough-handed sons of toil Christopher Hitchens and Martin Amis, hanging rapt upon their every word. No matter where they go, they can be sure that the faithful Superhero will be on hand to protect them from hordes of bruschetta-munching hatemongers.

Even when Hitchens finds himself in darkened basements calling for torture and perpetual war, the Superhero will be huffing close behind, all clattering pots and pans, crying "I don't know where you're goin', Mister 'Itchens, but I'm comin' with you!" like some kind of mentally impaired, modern day Sam Gamgee.

For the Working Class Superhero, all considerations are secondary to the need to kill fascists, a term he defines so broadly that it encompasses roughly 60% of the planet's population. Naturally, the Superhero is content to delegate the actual fascist-killing to others, preferring to direct operations from the rear.

In the wider movement of Muscular Liberalism, the Superhero is the lone wolf, the loose cannon, even moved to deny his own Decency on occasion. The deception fools no-one, however, for the Superhero's perpetual hissy-fits and generalised condemnations prove that you can take the man out of Decency, but you can't take the Decency out of the man.

Nobody Could've Predicted

2007-12-21T13:58:00.000-08:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Noh-Baw-Day Coo-Duv Preh-Dick-Ted

Risky yet potentially fruitful rhetorical gambit, whereby one asserts that the failures of certain foreign policy clusterfucks have been caused by astonishing, unforseeable acts of barbarity and random chance.

Amazing, utterly unprecedented occurrences that can be cited include -

Who would've thought that a modern military force could be stalemated by a committed insurgency? I mean, has this ever happened before?

Nobody could've predicted that demolishing a nation's civil structure would lead to lawlessness and looting...

I'm dumbfounded that an invasion and occupation of a country by a superpower would be met with foreign interference. It's totally unprecedented.

Jesus, if you'd told me five years ago that the Republicans would pack the CPA with clueless partisans and use the war as an excuse to loot the Federal Treasury, I would've called you a fascist and a twat... It's just unbelievable.

I could never have guessed that the US would respond to an invisible insurgency with brutal, overwhelming acts of demonstrative violence - I don't want to think about it too hard now, in case my wife has to wipe my exploded brains off my monitor.

These rhetorical gambits are useful when adressing the slow-witted, but may founder if accidentally presented to a pro-fascist familiar with the history of Vietnam or Afghanistan.

If caught out, immediately switch topic to the plight of Iranian Bus Drivers.

If pressed, it may be necessary to concede ground - see Mea Culpa Sed Tu Quoque Ad Maximum.

Moderate

2007-12-17T13:36:00.001-08:00

Rhetoric

Maw-Deh-Rut

1. Person prepared to throw him or herself to the floor, abjectly begging forgiveness for his or her personal failings, religious and political beliefs, habits, friends and acquaintances.

Someone who accepts that he or she is entirely wrong and is willing to apologise for the manifest crimes of his or her entire political, religious or ethnic group, to whom one can thus reach out.

"What can we do when there are so few moderates with whom to engage?"

Case Law

2007-12-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

Proceedings of the Court of Decency

Session 2007/08 CoD 33

Professor Geras vs. Your Intelligence

An interesting case just placed before the court, in which the plaintiff, Professor Geras, attacks the defendant, Your Intelligence, by extrapolating from an anecdotal account.

The facts of the case are clear -

1) That some guy with a website had that Kenneth Roth, director of Human Rights Watch (HRW), in the back of his Decent Taxi, wherein he did single out the Americans for special treatment, to whit -

2) That, in the back of some guy's Decent Taxi, Roth did categorically and maliciously state that American human rights violations will encourage nasty regimes to violate international law.

3) Hence, that in the back of some guy's Decent Taxi, Roth did state that America should be held to a higher standard than other nations. Thus -

C) Kenneth Roth is guilty of the crime of moral equivalence by effectively stating that it is more acceptable for tyrannical regimes to violate human rights.

Your Intelligence contends that it has been grievously insulted by Professor Geras's argument.

Analysis

The case is yet to come to court, and may prove to be a landmark in the evolution of Decent case law.

Firstly, the court will likely accept hearsay evidence obtained in the back of a Decent Taxi without independent corroboration.

Secondly, and controversially, a brief Google search reveals that HRW has repeatedly made some form of the following argument -

"It is highly damaging to the cause of international human rights when the nations that conceived, drafted, signed and have pushed for the enforcement of human rights laws are caught in flagrant violation of them. It is doubly damaging when those nations actively seek to exempt themselves from such laws with mendacious claims of exceptionalism and point-blank refusals to improve their behaviour.

This encourages people all over the world to believe that human rights are merely a stick for beating international pariahs, rather than strict laws which should be adhered to by all nations. The damage this causes may well be irreparable.

In short, the leader of the free world must possess the moral authority to castigate China's human rights record without facing an outbreak of sniggering."

Your Intelligence refuses to accept that a Professor Emeritus of politics is incapable of grasping this simple idea. Further, by implying that this argument means "it is to some extent all right for nasty regimes to violate human rights," Professor Geras has clearly insulted Your Intelligence.

Since Professor Geras has grievously insulted Your Intelligence on numerous occasions in the past, this may seem an open-and-shut-case. Readers are reminded, however, that the Court of Decency has a history of bizarre rulings against Humanitarian NGOs generally and Human Rights Watch in particular.

Full text of Professor Geras's musings here.

Mainstream Liberal Culture

2007-12-05T12:13:00.000-08:00

Rhetoric

Mane-Streem Lih-Beh-Rall Kult-Yer

Odious hosepipe of hateful propaganda, urinating a thick stream of relativist bile into the eyes and ears of the hard-working, honest people of Britain.

Commonly associated with Hollywood, but in reality championed by the brie-eating liberal intelligentsia and ivory-tower elitists of the BBC.

"...so consistent was the pro-Islamist party line in the BBC's drama it seemed as if a politburo had taken control of the arts department."- Nick Cohen

Sample schedule - BBC1

6.00 Robin Hood

Pro-Jihadist re-imagining of the traditional legend, in which Osama and his Merry Islamists fight bravely against a thinly-veiled Tony Blair, as played by a short, fat, bald Keith Allen. This foul slice of terrorist-promoting light-entertainment repeatedly penetrates the eyes of innocent British children nationwide, spurting great wads of disease-ridden filth into their fragile little minds. With Minnie Driver. Producer Nigel Gurning-Twitte

7.00 Spooks

Racist drama chronicling the struggle of the intelligence services to expose the megalomaniacal schemes of a secret clan of demonic Jewish space-lizards from Saturn. German subtitles available in some areas, press red for extra Protocols. Producer Lavrenty O'Toole

8.00 Movie Premiere

Honey, I Wilfully Blinded Myself To The Urgent Threat Of Islamist Fascism (2005)

Fantastical action movie, starring Bruce Willis as a hard-bitten New York cop who must battle a thousand-strong band of fanatical terrorists from England, Germany, America, Russia, Australia, Mexico, Israel, Italy and Spain. Not a Muslim amongst them, of course, which is typical of the mealy-mouthed appeasers of Hollywood. Honestly, do you remember Delta Force? Proper bad guys, then, all swarthy and filled with genocidal bloodlust... That scene where Chuck Norris blasts that Palestinian with his motorbike's built-in grenade launchers, I was stiff as a rolling pin, I can tell you. But you don't get proper films like that these days, do you? No, it's all bending-over-backwards-to-avoid-offending-the-Muslim-fascists, isn't it? Bastards.

Also starring Jean Reno and Antonio Banderas as non-Islamic terrorists 1 and 2.

10.00 News

Daily litany of false accusations about the legitimate security operations of western nations. With Fiona Bruce.

10.30 Question Time

Hillary Benn and the American ambassador face hate-filled tirades from a jeering mob of liberal scum, while John Humphries and George Galloway fight to be first to lick the hot, salty tears of sorrow from their honest, trusting faces. Producer Tarquin Pierrepont

11.00 Fahrenheit 9/11

12.30 24

04:00 - With the clock ticking on an ebola-stuffed nuclear bomb, Jack is forced to take radical measures against an injured prisoner by shoving his arm down the suspect's throat and pulling his arsehole out of his nose. President Palmer faces a dilemma as he decides whether to accede to the terrorists' demands or to push a corkscrew into Mahmoud's eye really slowly. Meanwhile, Kim is menaced by a slightly annoyed cougar while sporting a truly sensational cleavage. Contains scenes of masturbatory violence, torture and sadism, although curiously, no strong language. Those crazy Americans, eh?

Now, that's more like it.

------------------------------------------------

Administrative Notes 2

2007-12-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

Venezuela - An Apology

It has come to my attention that some consumers of Decent journalism and bloggery may have formed the impression that we believe President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is a megalomaniacal tyrant, drunk on power and intent upon launching a thousand-year reich of fascist horror.

Readers may also have misinterpreted our principled stand against Britons who write positively of Chavez as somehow indicating that they have "brought shame upon the Left".

In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.

Nonetheless, having re-examined articles and posts entitled Bloodthirsty Dictator Chavez Crushes All Human Freedom; Fascist British Chavistas - The Shame Of The Left and Nationalisation of Corporate Interests - Who Will Be First Into The Gas Chamber?, I can see why some confusion might have arisen.

As the official scribe of Muscular Liberalismtm, I can categorically state that we have always believed that Chavez is merely a very silly person, if not an outright figure of fun. His recent electoral defeat merely confirms that he is rather weak, ineffectual and something of a comical loser.

Nor have we ever intended to imply that leftists said nice things about him because of their inward yearning for the crushing of all democracy beneath the Latin jackboot. It was not our intention to imply that modern socialists are generally a feeble-minded mob of genocidal cretins whose brains are ripe to be washed with the most hateful and violent ideologies imaginable.

No, these leftists have instead "brought shame upon the Left" by believing the words of this empty-headed charlatan and his sub-Chomskyan jeremiads.

I hope this clarifies our principled position against this terrifying, cartoonish stuffed-shirt and his pathetic, hilarious attempt to overthrow democracy and create a totalitarian communist empire.

P.S. I have recently discovered that certain unserious writers have implied that our honest stance against Hugo Chavez is motivated solely by our desire to crush anyone who says nasty things about George W. Bush. Others have claimed that our position is motivated by our maniacal urge to discredit and destroy any political movement to the left of Blairism.

I can confirm that these accusations have no basis in fact, and are being circulated by a small, dishonest group of irrelevant, Stalinist throwbacks whose hatred of the American President has warped their tiny minds.

Intervention

2007-11-29T14:06:00.000-08:00

Rhetorical Ploy

In-Terr-Ven-Shun

Turd-polishing linguistic quibble, designed to emphasise the good intentions motivating certain foreign policy disasters.

A term first coined by Alcoholics Anonymous, an intervention begins when several hundred thousand heavily-armed friends drop by, before relieving ones psychotic ruler of his non-existent nuclear weapons programs and settling down to sell ones natural resources to their friends at super-bonanza knock-down prices.

Used explicitly to disambiguate an intervention - a righteous moral crusade for freedom, truth and justice - from a deliberate war of aggression. The difference is vital in law, since one is awarded Nobel prizes for the first, and hung like a common cutthroat for the second.

"Professor Taylor's inability to distinguish an "invasion of Iraq" - as if a state's legitimate sovereignty had been violated by the removal of a bestial and kleptocratic regime - from an intervention in Iraq is merely the least of the many components in the evidence of his stupidity." - Oliver Kamm

Case Law

2007-11-29T13:27:00.001-08:00

Proceedings of the Court of Decency

Session 2006/07 CoD 14

European Thuggery vs. European Fascism

A noteworthy test case for all students of Decent law, Thuggery vs. Fascism is the benchmark for assigning culpability following acts of mob racism and violence.

The court considered two instances of football-related civil disorder. In the first, French football fans racially abused then physically attacked an Israeli supporter - in the second, Israeli football fans disrupted a "minute's silence" for an assassinated former Prime Minister with racist chants.

Justice Zitver, presiding, overruled previous legal precedents requiring all acts of racist hatred to be judged by the same standard, creating a new two-tier hierarchy of prejudice. This new legal test, Israelum Accuso Non Potest, allows for the precise allocation of culpability.

In the first case, Justice Zitver held the nation of France responsible for the racist behaviour of a small group of French football supporters.

In the second, he held the continent of Europe responsible for the racist behaviour of over ten thousand Israeli football supporters.

Case closed, all costs to be paid by France.

Analysis - The judgement is notable for its refusal to adhere to the principle that "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander". In effect, Justice Zitver's ruling deliberately exempted the inhabitants of one nation from culpability for their actions.

While this proved controversial, it is entirely consistent with his previous rulings on the use of indiscriminate violence, collective punishment and human rights abuses, thus conforming with the principles of Decent law.

Full text of the judgements can be read here and here.

Reach Out

2007-11-21T07:05:00.000-08:00

Rhetoric

Reetch Owt

Also, engage with, befriend, seek alliance with, and build good relations with.

The act of seeking out a person or group with whom one wishes to make common cause, then hectoring them at very great length over their personal and collective failings, religious and political beliefs, habits, friends and acquaintances etc.

To browbeat, to lecture. Also, to chide, sermonise, rebuke, tell off, dress down, hassle, harangue, preach to, scold, admonish, and shout at. The more belligerently one engages with a potential ally, the more likely that person is to grasp the firmness of ones opinions and the urgency of the situation.

"There's no doubt that the radicalisation of young Muslim men in Britain is a major problem. I say that we should reach out to moderate Muslims."

"Right! I've been making common cause with them for years -now's my chance to really befriend some sense into them on a one-to-one basis. I'll engage with those fuckers like they've never been engaged with before."

Legitimacy

2007-11-21T06:31:00.000-08:00

Adjective

Leh-Jit-Tih-Mass-Say

The state of acting in accordance with the law, particularly in holding public office. A politician or head of state is ruled to hold his power legitimately providing he or she can secure the majority support of commenters at the internet blog Harry's Place.

Having secured a democratic mandate from the gatekeepers of Decency, a national leader is largely free to act in any way he or she sees fit. Penalty points are applied for failing to maintain at least an indifferent human rights record, indulging in blatant larceny or clamping down on free speech. Major credits can be gained by occasionally voicing weak support for surgical strikes upon whichever nation the West is bombing democracy into at that particular moment.

Any leader attempting to enact legislation to empower the mass of the people, redistribute wealth or curtail the excesses of the free market will be regarded as suspicious.

Any leader mentioning The Rubble can expect instant disqualification.

"Of course Hugo Chavez is a dictator - he has no legitimacy whatsoever."

"But he's won election after election. He may be mad as a box of weasels, but surely he's earned his office."

"Are you deaf or something? The people have spoken - he's a dictator."

Complicit

2007-11-13T11:28:00.000-08:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Komm-Pliss-Sit

Conjugation of support.

"I support Israeli self-defence against Hezbollah.

You are in agreement with Hezbollah.

They are Complicit in Hezbollah's aggression."

WWGD?

2007-11-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

Sporting Pursuit

Acronym for What Will Galloway Do? Amusing internet pastime, prompted by any mildly political or military occurance.

Properly executed, the WWGD gambit can result in days of entertainment and ribaldry as hundreds of humourists speculate wildly over the perfidy of the football-faced, shouty political Munchkin.

"I see that the people of Burma are protesting against their tyrannical rulers. Analysts fear that the regime will react violently... this situation has the potential for appalling loss of life, but also extends the hope that the people of that nation will overthrow their corrupt rulers... All of which leaves us with only one vital, burning question... WWGD?"

"Galloway will definitely issue a statement in support of the regime, decrying the imperialist United Nations Committee on Human rights..."

"Ho ho, he'll set up a charity - I can see it now, DictatorAid! Please give generously..."

"I reckon GG will be on the first plane out to fellate these dictators and tickle their balls."

"LOL!!!!!1!!!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! ! My face hurts from laughing!!!!"

":)!!!!" (Cont. ad infinitum)

Chucklesome version of "Yo Mamma So Fat" for middle-class university graduates.

Racism

2007-11-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

Noun

Ray-Sizz-Zum

Anti-Semitism.

Good Intentions

2007-11-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Good In-Ten-Shuns

1. Naive ideals about anti-racism held by latte-swilling Islington liberals, which have inevitably led to the ghettoisation and fragmentation of modern Britain into a collection of mutually hostile ethnic and religious clan fiefdoms.

Stupid and deluded beliefs resulting in unmitigated disaster, thoroughly discrediting the effete Ivory Tower simpletons who hold them.

2. Righteous ideals about anti-fascism held by Muscular Liberals, which have accidentally led to the ghettoisation and fragmentation of modern Iraq into a collection of mutually hostile ethnic and religious clan fiefdoms.

Timeless and compelling beliefs resulting in qualified success, thoroughly vindicating the sensible and serious commentators who hold them.

See also Failures Of The Reconstruction, Stable Democracy, Confronting Fascism.

Responsibility

2007-11-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

Noun

Reh-Sponce-Sib-Bill-Lit-Tay

Rhetorical ploy and moral blank cheque excusing any and all fatalities incurred during surgical strikes upon military targets - full and final culpability for any casualties resulting from the actions of Democrats.

"Let me see if I can pin down your point here. Surely the occupation of Iraq has been an abject disaster -"

"Yes, and one for which terrorists bear ultimate responsibility."

"Oh, come on, you're not suggesting that all those wedding parties that have been obliterated-"

"... Are unfortunate horrors, arising from the depravity of fascists."

"... Right. So when the Metropolitan Police mistakenly shoot a member of the public at point blank range, then pump exculpatory propaganda into the media, that would be-"

"That would be a disgraceful failure in operational procedures, compounded by a grotesque and deliberate strategy of misinformation."

"My goodness, really?"

"No, not really, you total retread - it's the fucking terrorists' fault again, isn't it?"

"I see. David Aaronovitch, thank you."

"No problem Jeremy, it's always a pleasure appearing on Newsnight."

The Moral High Ground

2007-11-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Tha Maw-Rull Hy Grownd

1. Righteous position claimed during acts of Terrorism-By-Proxy - a comfortable, satisfying aura of regretful determination.

2. The only place left to stand after cheering surgical strikes on the Low Ground and the cluster bombing of the Middle Ground.

In Agreement With

2007-10-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

Rhetorical Ploy

In Ah-Gree-Mint With

Faux-innocent argumentative manoeuvre, handy for pretending not to understand the difference between the concept of an American Israel lobby comprising right-wing cranks, and the idea of an all-powerful secret cabal of eldritch Zionist Cthulu-Monsters who can command the United Nations with the merest flick of a gelatinous tentacle.

Generally employed when confronted with inconvenient opinions, this simple technique sets a metaphorical army of miniature clockwork Nazis goose-stepping all over the argument, thus bringing it to a swift conclusion.

"Well, I think it's pretty obvious that American policy in the Middle East is heavily influenced by a small group of hardcore Republican partisans, religious fundamentalists and general right wing monomaniacs."

"Why, isn't that interesting - you are in agreement with neo-nazis, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, David Irving, Mussolini, David Duke, Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler and Darth Vader! I find that rather suspicious."

Objectively

2007-10-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

Adverb

Ob-Jekt-Tiv-Lay

Crafty euphemism for Not Really.

Word used to indicate that the speaker possesses no evidence whatsoever to back up his assertion and prefers instead to exhume the corpse of George Orwell, then force the 1984 author's grinning, clattering bones to dance mechanically to the speaker's tune.

"Those who demonstrated in support of the Ba'athist regime were not marching in support of peace - they were objectively pro-Saddam."

"Whoah, dude, cool skeleton! Hey, make him do the hula!"

Silence

2007-10-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

Noun

Sy-Lense

1. Complete absence of sound in Britain when democrats are attacked by fascists.

2. Complete absence of sound in Britain when one foreign nation attacks another in a flagrant act of aggression.

Often ironically contrasted to previous vocal and strident Anti-War Protests at which thousands of bruschetta-munching trendy lefties congregated to cheer on Saddam Hussein's reign of terror.

"So when Britain prepares to liberate Iraq, British liberals Go Berserk! But when terrorist suicide bombers slaughter thousands of civilians, there's nothing but the sound of silence."

"Well, that's probably because terrorist suicide bombers couldn't give a flying shit about the opinions of British demonstrators-"

"Nonsense - it's rank, anti-Western, Occidentalist hypocrisy."

Self Defence

2007-10-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Noun

Selph Dee-Fense

1. The righteous act of protecting one's country from small bands of foreign-based terrorists by bombing the infrastructure of the host nation to smithereens.

Regretably necessary surgical strikes against fascists, resulting in hundreds of cases of Al-Qaedification and Terrorism-By-Proxy.

Causes the Far Left and the Academic/Media Complex to Go Berserk!

2. A despicable act of unwarranted aggression undertaken against democrats.

Opportunistic military rampage launched by known genocidaires, launched under the pretense of attacking foreign-based freedom fighters, resulting in silence from the Far Left and the Academic/Media Complex.

Case Law

2007-10-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

Proceedings Of The Court Of Decency

Session 2006-07 - CoD 43

The Liberal Intelligentsia vs. Manning

The plaintiff held that the defendant, Bernard Manning (deceased) was guilty of the crime of racism. Supporting its case, the plaintiff presented documentary evidence showing the defendant engaged in racist behaviours, video evidence of same and anecdotal evidence from numerous eye-witnesses.

The defendant offered no rebuttal, having recently died.

Justice Brown, presiding, found against the plaintiff and declared the defendant not racist based upon mitigation.

Firstly, Justice Brown held that the defendant's extensive charity work should be counted in his favour.

Secondly, he held that Mr. Manning's alleged racism was mitigated by his British origin. Justice Brown clarified that he would not have applied such leniency had Mr. Manning lived in the American deep South during the 1950's.

He also exempted the defendant from blame on grounds of his profession, holding that comedians should benefit from a wide margin of appreciation not afforded to politicians.

Finally, in summing up, Justice Brown found Mr. Manning prima facie working class, and admonished the Liberal Intelligentsia for it's braying, snobbish condescension of an honest, hard working man.

Case dismissed, all costs to be paid by the plaintiff.

Analysis - The judgement is unusual for it's stark departure from established practice - several aspects of the decision seemed contradictory to previously accepted case law, in particular Justice Brown's advice that the plaintiff should "...turn off (its) racist antennae".

Experts were nonplussed by the verdict of not racist, since the court saw video evidence in which the defendant answered the question "Are you racist?" with the word "Yes."

Additionally, the notion that defendants can claim protection from charges of racism on the grounds of "not being a politician" is highly inconsistent with previous rulings.

It remains to be seen whether this judgement has established the precedent of Homo Laborum Intactum, which could grant immunity from prosecution to any person capable of carrying off a convincingly proletarian accent.

Full transcript of the judgement.

Well-Funded

2007-10-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Wehll Funn-Ded

Hilarious euphemism for Jewish, used to imply that one's opponent is a closet Nazi who believes that the world is controlled by seven-foot tall Zionist lizardmen.

Particularly useful when pretending not to understand the difference between the concept of an American Israel lobby comprising right-wing cranks, Republicans and religious fundamentalists, and the idea of an omnipotent Zionist Shadow-Government of megalomaniacal, telepathic reptilian space-monsters.

Anti-War Protest

2007-10-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

Noun

Mooz-Limz And Cruss-Tayz And Trotz, O My!

Pro-War protest, mounted by those who are On The Other Side.

A gathering of a few hundred cowardly demonstrators, tinfoil-hatted cranks and straw-men, marching together in support of fascist totalitarianism, motivated by suspicious, obsessive self-hatred and a longing to be crushed under the Islamofascist jackboot.

A rollicking good party of apologism where useful idiots cavort indecently, celebrating their childish rebellion against the father figures of authority, while furiously laughing and wanking mucky splurts of pro-Jihadi ichor into the trusting, pleading faces of the victims of tyranny.

The main Anti-War Protest of 2003 was the Bastille Day of Decency, at which several hundred Decents experienced epiphanies when faced with a broad coalition of fascists, trendy lefties and Ivory Tower elitists, thereafter penning atrociously dull books describing their brown-trousered horror.

"When I awoke on the morning of 15th February, I discovered that one million Britons had chosen to march in support of a fascist regime - the largest such rally since the marches against the overthrow of General Franco in 1975...

When I asked one young marcher why she was marching in solidarity with fascists, she resorted to a glib witticism, braying "Mister, yer fly's open and yer balls are hanging out!"

Looking down, I was horrified to discover that she was correct - it was at that moment that I espied Lady Fotheringhame, who was staring open-mouthed at my exposed clackersack in shock and undisguised revulsion...

"I can explain everything!" I blurted, stepping forward, but unbeknown to me a police horse had just that moment laid a fresh deposit of steaming manure, and I slipped and stumbled forwards into the ample bosom of a heavyset lady in a floral dress. My protestations of innocence went unheeded as she began to thrash me with her handbag..."

Extract from What's Left? by Nick Cohen

"I was deeply and passionately anti-war, determined to demonstrate my implacable hatred of the Nazi imperialist George Bush. I marched to show my steadfast commitment, my moral certitude and my genocidal hatred of western democracy...

...Then I clapped eyes on a crusty juggler talking to a bloke with a beard, and the scales fell from my eyes... I immediately threw my lot in with the pro-war crowd, who were far cooler kids, had better parties and free beer."

Extract from The Joy of Sectarianism by Andrew Anthony

Working Class

2007-10-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

Noun

Wurr-King Klass

Social group of people employed for wages, especially in industrial or manual work, noted for their level-headed sensibilities, sense of humour and grim, steadfast hostility to the chicanery of Ivory Tower elitists and effete Hampstead liberals.

Represented in government by the humble, plain-spoken proletarians of New Labour, who wage a brave and unrelenting struggle against the megalomaniacal power-lust of chardonnay-swilling trendy lefties and the Academic/Media Complex's totalitarian grip on the reins of power.

With their natural ability to detect bullshit, they are instinctively distrustful of morally superior useful idiots and Saddam-fellating apologists for tyranny, preferring to place their faith in the callussed hands of modest, labouring sons of toil such as Martin Amis and Christopher Hitchens.

Frequently mocked by bruschetta-munching appeasers, who spend up to 75% of their waking hours urinating verbal filth into the upturned faces of the honest, upstanding people of Britain, leaving rough-hewn, Working Class Observer columnists to seethe at their own frustrated impotence.

Catalogue of Contempt

2007-10-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

Rhetorical Ploy

Kat-Ah-Log Ov Kon-Temt

Interminable liturgy of contemporary and historical atrocities and injustices that must be condemned before one is permitted to criticise any Departures From Universal Principles committed by Democrats.

The Catalogue of Contempt must be recited sequentially without any omissions - errors invariably result in an extended Will-You-Condemn-A-Thon.

"...Thus leading to the Highland Clearances, a disgusting abuse of power in which thousands of families were forced from their land and made derelict - an act which I condemn utterly, without reservation...

...Turning to the 417th item of our list, the Israeli "Security Barrier", which is really nothing more than a disguised attempt to-"

"Hey, why single out Israel for criticism? What's this obsession with the Jews, eh?"

See also Moral Equivalence, Suspicious.