Monday, 31 March 2008

It's No Longer Left vs. Right, But Pro-Western vs. Anti Western

Guest Post By Barry Agricola Coccyx

The distinction between the "Left" and the "Right" right in global politics today is increasingly redundant. The dialectic has given rise to and been superceded by a new dialectic: Pro-Western vs. Anti-Western.

As this new paradigm has arisen, it has become apparent that the Pro-Western factions (or The Goodies, if you will) believe in free markets, the welfare state and liberal democracy, while the Anti-Western movements (let us say, The Baddies) put their faith in sociopathic hatred, mindless violence and psychotic outbursts of bloodcurdling horror.

To appreciate the magnitude of this tectonic upheaval in global politics, one must look back to the dominant political consensus of the Cold War era, when Left and Right moved in two distinct orbits but could put aside their differences and come together in the interests of liberal democracy if so required.

The Cold War Spectrum

With the collapse of the Soviet Union, however, political thought has bashed itself inside out and disappeared up its own fundamentals, and now a coalition of Blairites, former Cold War liberals and Neoconservatives (or Us, if that would be easier) find themselves on the frontlines of a battle for the democratic future of the human species.

A significant portion of the former "Left", however, found itself with no outlet for their anti-democratic impulses, and soon found willing partners in fascist, anti-democratic movements. This motley crew of Islamists, Stalinists and nasty Tories (Them seems apt) squat at the opposite end of the new political spectrum, where their ferocious hatred burns remorseless in the eternal night of their fat, black totalitarian hearts.

The Modern Political Landscape

At first glance, this political labyrinth is a minefield of pitfalls and mantraps, but with the correct ideological maps, torches and crampons it is possible to safely navigate its swift, often treacherous waters.

What cleaves the mere Pro-Western left (Our political allies, if you will) from Muscular Liberalism (Me and my mates) who stand steadfast in the face of this looming menace is the willingness to intervene militarily to protect our values. This "Bright line" neatly demarcates the Muscular Liberal from the merely tepid Pro-Westerner in the new political landscape, and is depicted on the right.

It is only when all of these elements are combined that we can begin to make sense of the threat we face, and the proper position of Decency in this era-defining existential struggle for humanity.

The Muscular Liberal In a Post-Left World

I think it is clear where the Muscular Liberal stands in this fight - proud, upright and unafraid to raise his head, spit in the eye of the enemy and say I will not be beaten, sucked in or jerked around by Fascists!

Our faith in liberal democracy is a mighty weapon, and we must use it to draw a line in the sand against anti-liberal religious chauvanists. The hand of fate has fallen into our laps, and we refuse to spend the Greatest Intellectual Struggle of Our Time tucked out of sight or stuck in the rear.

Thank you for your time.

Saturday, 15 March 2008




Oppressed, occupied Asian nation whose mere existence is evidence of the righteousness of Decency and the spectacular villainy of Anti-Imperialism.

Political football repeatedly blasted into an open goal by gaggles of Muscular Liberals stating that no useful idiot has ever, in the history of political discourse, raised any objection to the Chinese repression of the Tibetan people.*

The ultimate whatabout, effortlessly annihilating all ideological foes, Tibet is the cruise missile of political discussion, laying waste to all suspicious arguments leaving the Muscular Liberal standing alone at the very summit of the moral high-ground.

*Unlike Decents, who can rarely be prevailed upon to stop discussing the plight of the Tibetan people and engaging in political activism to ameliorate their condition.

"I don't expect the Israelis to sit on their hands while rockets are landing on their cities, but after forty years of massive retaliation I don't think missile strikes -"



"Tibet! Tibet! Tibet!"

"Excuse me? What has that-"

"Tibet! Tibet! Ha ha, no answer for that, eh, stopper? You all saw that - he doesn't care about the suffering of the Tibetan people, but he's obsessed with Israel! Suspicious, the way he singles out the Jews, eh? Why don't you take your racist hatred somewhere else, you disgusting bigot?"

"But I-"

"Shut up, fascist - your agenda has been exposed."

See also WWGD?, Catalogue of Contempt, Will-You-Condemn-A-Thon.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Alternative Iraq

Psychological Construct

Awl-Terr-Nah-Tiv Ih-Rak

Diabolical, imaginary country not liberated by the Republicans, in which the daily horrors and atrocities are so vicious, extreme and barbaric that it makes the real misery of actually existing Iraqis look like a three-ring circus replete with clowns, jolly music and popcorn.

A hellish land existing entirely within a parallel universe, invoked to scold realists and pro-fascists for their maniacal desire to retrospectively subject Alternative Iraqis to hideous, agonising, and entirely fictional deaths for political purposes.

Details are sketchy, but one imagines that Alternative Iraq is a collossal inferno where the inhabitants are chained to ravenous bears and the tabouleh is booby-trapped with spring-loaded jars of pissed-off tarantulas and scorpions.

Further, it seems likely that the football pitches writhe with poisonous asps, the markets throng with troops of sexually enraged baboons and one cannot so much as bend over to pick up a coin in the street without being badly gored in the anus by a disgruntled rhinoceros.

"Given the horrific slaughter that has resulted from the invasion of Iraq, it would seem that it was unwise to trust the Republicans, and that the doctrine of liberal intervention must be subjected to a thoroughgoing and rigorous audit process to determine why it failed."

"You anti-imperialist lefties disgust me, with your blatant, cold-hearted disregard for the lives of Alternative Iraqis. However horribly the fascists, Ba-athists and jihadists have disfigured Iraq, there can be no doubt that it is better than what would have happened if we had not intervened."

Disambiguation - Alternative Iraq should not be confused with Iraq, a land existing in a parallel universe in which fictional Mesopotamian men of peace conduct an entirely non-sectarian conflict against a generalised concept of evil, as embodied by non-Iraqi terrorists, via the endeavours of selfless Republicans and a largely illusory Iraqi Army.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Administrative Notes 5

Excellent news comrades - the latest edition of Democratiya is now available and contains a rich bounty of insightful and inventive writing.

In this issue, criminology lecturer Simon Cottee utilises the full force of his interrogative powers to enthusiastically me-too Decent Dole recipient Andrew Anthony's furious struggle to shout down the left hemisphere of his own brain.

Foreign Secretary David Miliband announces his fervent belief in the vital importance of sucking up to the Democrats in The Democratic Imperative. Sample quote...

"...I know that many of you will have doubts, citing the mistakes we made in Iraq and Afghanistan... And yes, sadly, mistakes were made. My plea is that you don't let your opinion of the trillion-dollar bloodbath we accidentally kick-started in Vietraq prevent you from supporting movements for democracy... by which I mean, saying Yes, Boss and throwing our weight behind whatever hare-brained scheme we're told to support next...

...So, we must resist the argument of the left and right to retreat into a world of realpolitik, and yadda-yadda-yadda, you get the idea - bombs away, freedom and democracy etcetera.

Thank you for your time, enjoy the finger buffet, all major credit cards accepted."

Prof. Andrei S. Markovitz takes time out from detailing the many injustices he suffered as a child at the hands of anti-American Viennese school teachers to remind us that, since Britain is populated almost entirely with Jew-hating fascists, none of us need re-examine the petty resentments, fallacious certitudes and hyper-partisan outrage that constitute Decent discourse.

Student David Zarnett relieves his bulging bladder over a re-examination of Orientalism while firing rhetorical cannonballs at a shrieking, 700-foot tall SaidZilla that threatens to rampage across Europe, crushing empirical analysis and truth with mighty swipes of its relativist paws.

Matthew Omolesky warns that a France which does not immediately accept the wildly popular cult of Muscular Liberalism as its state religion risks sliding into irrelevance, while Pimp-My-Senator Scoopist Robin Simcox reminds us that Terrorists Are Bad before denouncing the stupidity of those so discombobulated by relativism that they can't recognise impending victory in the War On Terror when they see it.

Finally, editor Alan Johnson passes round the begging bowl and offers salt-of-the-earth leftists the fantastic opportunity to send him large sums of money. Hands in pockets, fellow anti-fascists, for this kind of repetitive reshuffling of the same five talking points, ably remixed by a gaggle of po-faced academics, does not come cheap.

And remember the Democratiya motto - Liberty, if it means anything, is the right to tell ones readers what they wish to hear, over and over again.

Sunday, 2 March 2008




1. Absolute freedom of action and moral agency available to fascists.

2. Absolute freedom of action and moral agency seldom, if ever, available to democrats.

"After the initial terrorist attacks, we had no choice other than to use minimum force to counter the threat."

"Pardon me, General, but it says here you bombed the airport, the petrol stations, the factories, the highways, the supermarkets, shops, bakeries, sea ports... In fact, you appear to have bombed practically everything except for the terrorists themselves."

"Exactly - it was an appalling act of terrorism-by-proxy, for which the terrorists bear ultimate responsibility."